Sarah's Hope

Here's To Better Days...

2012-01-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

We were celebrating. Celebrating my family's victory over breast cancer. Celebrating life and second chances. Celebrating moving on and finally walking forward with our lives. Why did things have to go so wrong so fast?

In my last entry we wrote about how my reconstructive surgery went fantastic and how my body was healing afterwards. My family watched as the chest pain that haunted me for over a year melted away and the vision of total healing was on the horizon. The tissue expanders were the center of all the chest pain and I was so relieved to have them out. Kirk and I started dreaming again of all the things we wanted to do in our lives. After all this was our second chance at life together. We wanted to live without fear, travel without maps or guide books, for once color outside the lines! We started talking about moving to our favorite place to relax and forget the world, Hawaii. Kirk and I wanted an adventure and our adventure would be in paradise for a year. Research was done, phone calls were made, potential apartments were found, and the perfect swimsuit was bookmarked in my favorites. We figured we would take Hawaii by storm and come back rested and ready for the next step in our lives: a family. Our dreams were going to become our reality.

Just a few weeks after my reconstructive surgery my world was shattered…again. My mother found a lump. As all women should do she was doing her weekly self-breast check and there was a small lump under her right arm. I could barely feel it but I knew it held my mother’s future in its hand. She had surgeons feel the mysterious lump and they reasoned that since she was taking a chemotherapy pill to deter cancer to form again that this lump must be scar tissue left over from her double mastectomy. They told her not to worry but a lumpectomy might be a good idea. It turns out it was a great idea because it came back positive for metastatic breast cancer. My family’s hearts dropped to the ground. The thought of seeing my mother go through more pain just sickened my soul. She had just won this battle three years earlier and now it was back? It seemed impossible. Her P.E.T. scan confirmed that cancer was in her body and it had spread fast. She had surgery to remove all the cancer including 38 lymph nodes. My mom and I are no strangers to the operating room so she healed very quickly. When the pathology came back it showed that all of the 38 lymphnodes were positive for cancer. With that information she was diagnosed with stage 4 incurable breast cancer. She was told that she may have 18 months to live depending on treatment success.

My mother grew up wanting to be a warrior for God and for justice. She worked very hard to become a nurse and she conquered that dream with pride. My mom meets people on the worst days of their lives and she shows them kindness and God’s love. What an amazing woman! She is and always will be the role model I honor and respect. My mother is my best friend and I love her with all my heart. If you asked me I would never admit it but I’m becoming more and more of my mother’s daughter. Our personalities are very similar so we know what each other needs and wants and we were bonded so tightly even before sharing the awful experience of breast cancer. She was and is always there when I need her and now I need to be the strong one for her. I asked God for the strength I would need to help her emotionally and physically…I know I can trust God to take care of me so I in turn can care for my mother and family.

On Tuesday the 10^th of January she started her 16 weeks of intense chemotherapy treatments. 8 treatments, 2 weeks apart. After chemotherapy she will undergo 6 weeks of harsh radiation treatments. Doctors call stage 4 cancer incurable and give a timeline of 18-24 months to live. When those are the odds all we can do is get on our knees and ask the Lord for a miracle; a miracle that tops all miracles for a woman who has been faithful all her life to Him.

A week after her first chemo treatment she was admitted to the hospital for low blood pressure, a stomach infection, very low white blood cell count, and nausea and vomiting. She is still in isolation at the hospital because of her inability to fight off any kind of infection. Masks must be worn to protect her delicate state. All this only after one treatment? How can she go on? Her next chemo treatment is less than a week away and she may not even be out of the hospital by then.

When does it end? The hurt, the pain of seeing those you love suffer? What line does it have to cross to see that it has cut us too deep to recover? I don’t understand…all I do is hurt…all I do is ask why couldn’t it have been me again? What lesson am I to learn from all this tragedy and I’m screaming no more, please no more. Cancer kills dreams. My mom shared that cancer killed her dream of having a Christmas without its dark presence. It has killed my family’s dream of a celebratory victory vacation. It has killed Kirk’s and my dream of living in paradise. Cancer is a disease that kills much more than cells in your body, it spreads and kills laughter and smiles. It kills futures. When will this darkness end?

This is the reason I have been gone so long. I have doubts that there is hope; that there is a future without fear of finding a “game changer”. Sometimes I feel better days won’t come. Just when you get the hope of getting your head above water you get dragged back down so far that you can’t see the light. I’m sorry that this isn’t uplifting and comical but I don’t want to be fake. I’m hurting and I’m wearing my emotions on my sleeves these days…well not around my family. I want to be the strong one. The calm one under pressure, the one who knows what to do and can fix any problem without showing how distressed and exhausted I really feel. The job is hard and has quite a lot of private meltdowns but I would rather take the job than have it be on anyone else.

I want good days to be on the horizon. To have a victory vacation that rivals all other vacations. To have my nephew know that hospitals and sickness are not normal. To create a future with my husband with traveling, a house, a dog and of course our 17 embryos! I want those days to be near but I find myself not putting much stock in any of my dreams. Only God has the power to change the circumstances and I know He will but the time waiting is feeling like a lifetime.

Love Always,

Sarah

Surgery...

2011-10-19T19:21:00.001-07:00

Sarah's surgery went just great! Overall she is doing very well but she is having a decent amount of pain on her right side. Sarah will be staying one night in the hospital here at UW and then she will go home tomorrow. I have taken the rest of the week off and will be home with my sweet wife just helping her recover. Thanks for all your prayers!

-Kirk

Sarah is in surgery....

2011-10-19T09:45:00.001-07:00

Sarah went in to surgery and everything is going according to plan so far. She will be in surgery for 2-3 hrs and she will spend one night in the hospital then go home tomorrow.

Surgery...Coming Soon

2011-10-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sarah's reconstructive surgery is coming up really soon. It is on Wednesday the 19th, just one week from today. Even though the thought of surgery is never fun, Sarah is really looking forward to getting the painful tissue expanders removed from her chest and having her permanent implants placed. However, we do still need quite a lot of prayer on this subject. Sarah and I have put a lot of hope in the idea that this surgery could really help her get past the health issues she has been facing for the last year. Ever since Sarah’s double mastectomy surgery a year ago, she has had to be on almost constant pain medication due to the discomfort of the expanders. That pain medication, while necessary now, has wreaked havoc on Sarah’s body. She has been almost always nauseous 24/7, sometimes throwing up, she can’t eat all that well, and she has had lots of problems with dehydration. All these symptoms started after her first surgery when she had to start on pain medication. Our hope, is that with the comfortable permanent implants, Sarah’s pain would drastically decrease taking with it all of the terrible side effects of the pain meds that she has had to deal with. This hope is not a pipe dream, but based on the experiences of people like Sarah’s mom who have walked this same road and have told us of their experiences. The prayer we need is in a specific area. We desperately need this surgery to be the change that brings back Sarah’s ability to eat well, exercise, and do many of the day-to-day tasks that she so desperately wants to return to doing. She has been constantly held back by searing pain and difficult side effects of harsh medications. We truly believe that the removal of pain and meds will be the catalyst to launch Sarah into full recovery from the past year and a half of treatments and setbacks. Please pray with us that God will act on Sarah’s behalf and bring a real change followed by complete restoration for her. We are somewhat afraid that nothing will change and this time of pain and sickness will continue, but we are whole-heartedly putting all of our eggs in this “Final Surgery” basket. Please put all of your eggs in there with us!

-Kirk

P.S. Even though Sarah has had all of this to deal with, she has still somehow found a way to keep her dream of helping children in Africa alive! Sarah has listed her first Emalene crocheted baby hat for sale on Etsy. She will be listing more and more of her items in the days to come. I am so very proud that Sarah is taking life by force and living her dreams.

The link to Sarah's Etsy shop is: http://www.etsy.com/shop/emalene

On her page you will find all of the hats that she has listed!

Thanks for the prayers...

2011-09-08T18:05:00.001-07:00

Sarah's MRI was crystal clear. She has no problems with her head!

Thanks everyone for praying.

Kirk

Another Prayer Request

2011-09-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Sarah is having an MRI of her head. Sarah has had some dizziness and has fainted a few times over the past few weeks. Sarah has had bruises on her legs and bumps on her head from falling when she passes out. It has been very scary for her to wake up on the floor not knowing how long she has been out. I have become more and more worried about her safety when I leave her home when I'm at work, but I know that God is her protector.

The MRI is at 2:15 so please pray that all will be well. Sarah's doctors are just not willing to take any chances that something is wrong. However, they don't think that they will find anything either. Please pray that the results will come quickly as this will be a scary time of waiting for Sarah and the rest of us.

Thanks for praying,

Kirk

On a happier note...we celebrated Sarah's dad's birthday tonight with lots of family and friends and some special guests Sarah's niece Elizabeth and her parents Joe and Susan. It was a wonderful night of laughter before Sarah's hard day tomorrow. We will treasure all the fun that we had.

Plese Pray...

2011-09-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Sarah's health has taken a few steps back lately. She has been struggling once again with dehydration. The hard thing is that her main doctor right now has told her that he thinks she doesn't need fluids and that she is not truly dehydrated. However, all of the nurses she sees tell her that she is clearly dehydrated. Frustrating! Whenever Sarah goes in for hydration, it always takes the nurses numerous tries to get an IV started leaving her hand sore for days. This is a clear sign of dehydration. This dehydration leaves Sarah feeling very nauseous and often leads to her throwing up. As you can imagine this puts a serious damper on her nutrition. We are trying to get Sarah on a schedule of weekly infusions of fluid just to give her body a weekly boost.
One positive note is that for now Sarah has found a pain med that does seem to be helping, but with every medication comes a slurry of side effects. More nausea...more drowsiness...when does it end. The truth is...until Sarah can be off of most of her medications needed for pain and nausea, alot of the negative side effects won't improve. With that in mind, we are looking forward very eagerly to Sarah's last surgery. Her full reconstruction. This surgery will remove the painful tissue expanders that are in Sarah's chest now and replace them with more comfortable permanent implants. It is my feeling that with the source of pain in her chest gone, Sarah will be able to get off most of her tough medications. In my mind this should vastly improve her ability to fully recover from the last year and a half of treatments.

Sarah is also struggling a great deal with depression (who can blame her). My poor wife has been sick now for a year and a half. Sarah's birthday is coming up this month and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she commented that truly she wanted the last two years of her life back. She was 24 when this all started and now she will be 26. I am sure it is hard to look back and realize that two years of your twenties have been taken away from you. My biggest prayer request would be that very soon God would give my wife the complete recovery that she longs for and that he would enable us to live out some of our dreams so we can put all of this sickness and hurt behind us.

Thanks for continuing to love my wife.

Kirk

A Quick Note...

2011-08-16T22:03:00.001-07:00

Sarah feels bad that she has not been keeping up with the blog posts, but life for her has been a little hard to face lately. Sarah's anti-depressant medication (along with her pain Med) has been contributing to her abnormal heart function and as a result, the dose has had to be reduced. From my view this has not been a change for the better. Sarah still has so much pain and sadness staring her in the face that it is hard for her to see the areas in which she has improved by leaps and bounds.

I am writing this to all of you to let you know that Sarah hasn't forgotten about all of her supporters. She told me that she has tried to write posts, but feels terrible coming to "Sarah's Hope" to write when she feels very very void of that hope. Please continue to pray for and love my wife as she continues to fight. She will come around soon and every time she gets through a tougher season like this last month or so she comes through 100% stronger and more alive than before.

Thank you all so much for your diligent support of my sweet, sweet wife. She does not deserve the hurt she has been through this last year and a half, but she does deserve a group of supporters like you.

-Kirk

Garage Sale Day One a Success!

2011-08-05T21:46:00.001-07:00

The first day of our Sarah's Hope Fundraiser garage sale was a blazing success! We sold a ton of stuff and raised a lot of funds. Thank you to everyone who donated and to everyone who came and bought. We still have a lot of stuff to sell so come on out Saturday and Sunday to show your support. If you still have a donation for the sale go ahead and bring it to the sale any time.

Garage Sale Location:
1723 93rd Dr SE
Lake Stevens, WA 98258

For Questions Contact:
Kirk @ 425-232-0756

Thanks again!

2011-07-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who has supported Kirk and I in getting this garage sale going! I'm so happy and blessed to have so much love bestowed toward us. Please keep the donations coming and please, please, please remember to come out and leave with treasure! The sale is August 5th, 6th, and 7th and will be located at 1723 93rd Drive SE, Lake Stevens, WA 98258.

While I am trying to get support for the garage sale, life is just kicking my behind! If my body keeps rejecting fluids and food, I'll be in the hospital again soon. Another visit to the ER equals another bill. When will it end?

God,
Please hear my cry for help. I feel like I'm on the losing end of this battle. Cover me with protection and Your healing touch.

More details about the garage sale below

We Need Your Help!!!

2011-07-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

As you well know we are always up for fundraising efforts and Kirk’s family has offered to put together a Fundraiser Garage Sale! The Lien Family will put the sale on but WE NEED YOUR HELP!!! Garage Sales aren’t much of sales without stuff and that is exactly where you come in. We need your stuff to SELL, SELL, SELL. Please donate your gently used items to us so we can in turn pay for our medical bills.

Also remember to stop by and show your support. The garage sale is August 5th, 6th, and 7th at: 1723 93rd Dr SE, Lake Stevens, Wa 98258.

Donation contact for North of Marysville: Bonnie Lien (425) 232-6344
Donation contact for South of Marysville: Kirk Lien (425) 232-0756

Hurry and donate soon! The garage sale is in a week and a half.

Garage Sale Items
- Cell phones—no older than 3 years
- Puzzles and Board Games
- Furniture (sofas and other large pieces)
- Sporting goods (good condition)
- Small appliances (toasters, irons, blenders, etc)
- Musical instruments (no organs please)
- Bedding (good condition)
- Dishes and cookware
- Home decor
- Fishing gear
- Baby items (good condition)
- DVD players (working condition)
- DVD’s
- Video Games (games and consoles in working condition)
- Computer monitors (flat screen)
- TV’s (flat screen)
- Tools (working condition)
- Weedeaters, edgers, lawnmowers (working condition)
- Camping gear
- Bikes (working condition)

Please No Books, Clothing, Computers, Printers, Tube TV’s. Thanks

Day 285

2011-06-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe this is my life right now. I am 25 years old. Isn’t this the time in your life that you are supposed to feel the best? The time where you jump at the chance of adventure? Where energy comes in endless supply? This should be a time in my life when I get fun travel magazines in the mail not stacks and stacks of medical bills that are rapidly depleting my cancer fund. Or a time when I should be playing tennis with my husband instead of barely being able to make it up the front stairs to the door. I am falling further and further from the woman I once was. I am always tired, always in pain and I have to take medications by the handfuls; and those handfuls cause horrible side effects. I don’t sleep without nightmares. I don’t move without pain searing throughout my body. I feel so much guilt for the things I am not able to do. I want to be the wife that cleans the house and makes dinner for my husband when he comes home from work and I want to be the friend who cooks a meal for a girlfriend in need. I can start trying to do those things, but right in the middle of it my legs start to ache and quiver, or my head starts to feel so dizzy I almost fall down. I stop and rest which only makes things worse. A time of rest quickly turns into a complete emotional meltdown. I am so frustrated that because of my physical weakness I am unable to complete even the simplest of tasks. I have tried doctor after doctor, medication after medication, vitamin after vitamin and nothing makes me feel like Sarah Elizabeth Lien the 25 year old woman that has an amazing future ahead of her. In fact I don’t remember that Sarah. All I know is the exhausted, sick and depressed Sarah that has lost some of her hope in feeling better. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever overcome this dark cloud in my head? Will I ever smile without it being forced? I know there are some things that make me happy no matter what but they can never last forever. Flowers, babies, my nephew Roman; I can’t make flowers bloom all year round, I can’t hold newborn babies all day long and I think my sister Bethany would miss her child if Roman moved in with me. So it’s back to the drawing board for happiness for me. I need some help for happiness.

God, please let me see the beauty everywhere I look. I want happiness. I want wholeness. It has been too long since I have felt well. Please heal my body. Please lay your mighty hand over me and heal every muscle, every bone, and every cell. Keep me tucked away in the safety of your arms. Heal me O God.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 284

2011-06-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

I told you all I would put an update on here the next day, but I got so caught up in the whole "hospital" thing that I totally forgot. On Wednesday at about 3:30 in the afternoon Sarah was finally discharged. For all of Tuesday and Wednesday the hospital was only using medicine that Sarah could have at home. They seemingly have found a regiment of medications that will work for now. One big change is that Sarah's pain doctor will be slowly reducing the dose of Sarah's pain cocktail to find the least dose that is still effective. That way there will be less impact on her stomach. Now that Sarah is much more stable and is eating again, she should also be able to do some very very light exercise to strengthen herself which should really help the pain in her muscles and joints. Her doctor's are now looking to make a lot of little changes that will hopefully yield big results overall.

Just as all of you have been thinking that Sarah and I can't catch a break lately...just wait...there's more. On Thursday, I was at work and Sarah and her Mom were at our new apartment we just moved to a couple of weeks ago. They decided to make some lunch and fired up the oven for the first time to make some Texas toast. As the oven got going suddenly smoke started barreling out, quickly a fire started that even more quickly began to get out of control. With some flour, a fire extinguisher, some help from the landlord and finally the fire department (called by Sarah), the fire was finally put out. The final result let me tell you was less than pleasing. There was a huge cloud of thick black smoke that covered the entire apartment. All that smoke settled as thick sticky dust over every single knook and cranny of the apartment. It took countless hours of seemingly endless cleaning to finally get things close to normal. We very thankfully had the help of both sets of our parents. Without them we could not have done it. There was no permanent dammage done to the apartment but we lost a couple of essentials. A cupcake pan, a pizza pan, two kitchen rugs, a cooling rack, the tops to our pyrex glassware, an entire bottle of laundry soap (we had to wash all our clothes, curtains, pillows, etc.) I think that is everything oh yeah...an oven. haha. We can laugh about it now but for the last day and a half it has been no laughing matter. The smell of smoke is still somewhat present and I am sure it will take a while to dissipate, but the good news is that no one was hurt and no priceless belongings were ruined.

We thank the Lord that he always has his angels surrounding us and keeping us protected, but we are pleading with Him to stop thew hits that seemingly just keep coming. Please pray that Sarah and I could finally enter a season in our lives where things start to look up again.

Thanks,
Kirk

Day 283

2011-06-14T21:04:00.001-07:00

Monday, Sarah was admitted to the hospital at the University of Washington. The plan, in short, is to find a solution for pain and nausea that will work for her at home. Since Monday, they have managed to get Sarah to a more stable state where she can eat and drink without vomiting. This is a very good thing as she has not eaten since Thursday. Tomorrow (Wednesday) the doctors here will start to try new means of pain and nausea control until a solution that is tested and proven here at the hospital is found. It is not fun for Sarah to be at the hospital, but at the moment it is the only place she has been stable for a couple of weeks.

Thanks for all the prayers over the last couple of days. We feel them and could not make it without them. I will update the blog tomorrow with info as to what the "plan" is.

-Kirk

Day 282

2011-06-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

When will she feel better???
Sarah has been so sick for so long that she doesn't remember what it feels like to be healthy. She is completely at her wits end with pain and nausea. For the last few months, Sarah has been on a pain cocktail to try and help manage her pain. That cockail, while she tolerated it early on, is now making her incredibly nauseous. For the past week and a half, Sarah has consistently had a very high level of nausea, but that nausea has now become vomiting. Sarah is unable to keep food, most medications, or large quantities of fluids down, a very bad cycle which has led to numerous emergency room visits. Now Sarah's only option is stop the pain cocktail to help the nausea, but then be in searing pain 24/7. The Seattle Cancer Care Alliance wants to admit her to the hospital to try and stabilize her while also trying to find a different solution to combat her pain. While this might sound like a simple solution to most, one more IV poke, one more trial and error with different medications, or one more time throwing up from a new medication will almost literally send her over the edge of insanity.

We need your help! We need prayer. Prayer for pain....Prayer for nausea...Prayer that God would FINALLY move his hand and bring my suffering wife some quick relief. I struggle to undestand all the reasons why Sarah needs to be so sick this far out from her treatments. I struggle to be able to keep my frustration under the radar so I don't further add to Sarah's. I am powerless to do anything for my wife and that is very very difficult. To see someone you love so much be in so much pain and agony and not be able to do one thing to help is heartbreaking. Please plead with me that God will see Sarah's hurt and decide to act on her behalf. God has helped us in so many ways this last year and I am eternally grateful for the grace He has shown, but what I need now is for my wife to be whole again. Please join with me and intercede for our sweet Sarah.

-Kirk

Day 281

2011-06-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, how awful can one person feel? I like to think I’d take the cake but I know there are worse off people than me and I have such a heart for them because I truly know what it means to hurt…emotionally and physically. Tomorrow I have another appointment in Seattle at the Cancer Care Alliance’s pain clinic and I am hoping for a miracle. My levels of pain and nausea are just putting me right on the brink of being out of commission. Kirk has been a life saver this last week! I hurt when I’m awake, I hurt when I’m asleep…oh that pretty much covers my day and night. I just want to feel good for a little while and be able to pick up my nephew without tensing up my whole body. To jump into my husband’s arms and not have him worry if he is going to hurt me if he hugs me. To sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time without nightmares or awakening pain jolts. I know it will get better so for now I will picture my great big sun hat sitting in a chair nestled in the sand on my beach in Hawaii feeling the warmth of the sun and hearing the light crashing of the waves on the shore. Anyone care to join me?

With all this pain and nausea I had to figure out something I could do to get my mind off all the hurt. And guess what? I did it! I found a hobby that doesn’t cost me but saves me money! Couponing! I can coupon when I am sick and when I’m having not such a bad day. Today Kirk and I went shopping and I saved us $20 on grocery items we were going to buy anyways! At the checkout counter I wanted balloons to fall from the ceiling and confetti everywhere you looked but I didn’t get all that. I did however get a Good Job from the cashier and a hug from my Hubby. I can’t wait until our next shopping trip…what will I save then?

Thank you for the continued prayer and financial gifts. It has been very hard with me not working and the extra funds have kept us out of debt from all the cancer treatments. We would be in a very different position without the help of family and friends. The aftermath of cancer has been a hard one but with a support group like ours it is easy to see that we are well taken care of by God and by YOU

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 280

2011-05-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

The Aftermath of Cancer vs. Sarah Elizabeth Lien
This last month I have needed a V.I.P. access card with the short line at the check in counter at the E.R. I am asking who is on staff that night and I have my favorite rooms…it’s getting sad. Last night we were on the phone with the pain clinic on-call doctor at the University of Washington and she said because of how I was doing she was worried about dehydration and not being able to keep my meds down. Her advice was to go to the E.R. and ask to be admitted. I think I was being stubborn last night because it was a really rough night of sleeping in the bathroom but the negatives of going to the hospital are all I can think about. I feel like if I give in and go I am losing some part of this battle and I just start to cry. I feel so weak and vulnerable but I know I am in God’s hands. Please pray for me. I need your help to get through this and you have not failed me yet! Pray! Pray! Pray!

Let’s see how today goes…..

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 279

2011-05-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

Looking for a Rainbow...
I wish I could tell you good news but I don’t have much to say to brighten your day. I was in the E.R. again with nausea symptoms along with pain and more pain. I have started my new regimen of my pain cocktail that consists of taking it four times a day but it doesn't seem to be helping all that much. My pain specialist says the nausea is being caused by my body getting used to the new pain cocktail and it will take some time for everything to calm down a bit and my body will accept the pain medicine. If the pain doesn’t settle down I may have to up the dose and that may cause more nausea so I am on a road that may not have a happy ending until God heals me completely…oh please pray that a miracle happens because our God is certainly capable of miraculous miracles! It just seems like with all this rain falling down on me every day making life more and more difficult to cope with, there should be a sign of a rainbow somewhere. I’m looking but don’t see one but I could sure use a boost by finding that leprechaun and his pot of gold!

I have been pushing my body harder than I should be these last couple days and I am paying for it with "I told you so's" from family members and horrible pain and exhaustion. The reason I push my body so hard is I won’t let the effects of cancer hold me back any longer. I won’t let cancer hold me back from making a fort with my nephew and climbing on all fours to play with trucks under the table. I won’t let cancer hold me back from spending an entire morning at the Zoo with my sister Bethany, who is a nanny, gather up her little "chicks" and scoop them up in arms, give piggyback rides and lift them up as high as possible to see the giraffes. Let’s just say I over did it…a little…okay a lot, but when will I have that moment again? Realistically…never. I want to savor each day. Remember the Sunday School song "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it"? That’s what I want to do. Every day is a gift and I won’t let cancer take away my gifts from God. Be mindful that I don’t feel this way every day…some mornings when the pain is searing through my chest and back I say "this day is lost…let’s try for tomorrow". I hate losing time, not checking something off my to do list, accomplishing a goal and when I stay in bed or curled up in a ball on the couch I feel worse at the end of the day because I am a purpose driven person and when there are hundreds of things on my plate there is no time to lose. Cancer may have gotten me down this last year and a half but cancer doesn’t know who its dealing with…I’m a Lien…formally a Hawkins and when you mix those two together you better watch out because I am a force to be reckoned with. Just wait until Kirk and I have kids…watch out world!

Okay, I feel a little better now. I have left you with a sweet thought mixed with a little sunshine. Thank you to all those who have responded to our fundraiser letter; it never ceases to amaze me of the generosity of our family and friends. Cancer is so expensive. Thank the Lord Kirk and I have insurance, without insurance the average yearly cost of cancer treatment is $300,000! And that doesn't even count all the follow up treatments for years to come. God has really provided for us in every way and all of you are part of that support circle that has been raising us up in prayer and in love. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I’d be lost without all of you. Thank you for being there for me.

Love Always and Forever,
Sarah

Fundraiser Letter

2011-05-22T19:43:00.000-07:00

Click On Image To Enlarge

Day 278

2011-05-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

ER Once Again...
For the past three weeks Sarah has been having a continual increase in pain due to the nerves in her chest and arm waking back up in the aftermath of her double mastectomy surgery. What her pain feels like is when your leg falls asleep and feels like pins and needles when you move or touch it , but x100. Every time she moves or touches her chest it is excruciating.

We finally got Sarah in to the pain clinic at SCCA and they put her on a new regiment of medication that will get this new pain under control. However, this new regiment will take 3-5 days to start to make a difference and probably 1-2 weeks to completely control the pain. To give you an idea of how resistent Sarah is to medication, the pain clinic had her try a pain medication that was 50x stronger than morphine and it had no effect on her at all.

Last night we were on our way back from picking up the new medications when Sarah's pain started to worsen. It was so bad that I made the decision to take her to emergency room. They kept giving her more and more pain medications but nothing helped. She was there for about six hours and her pain was not touched at all. By the time we made the decisionn to go home Sarah was in intense pain and was very frustrated by not getting any relief in the ER. We headed home and tried to go to bed. This morning Sarah's pain hadn't lessened, but the breakthrough shooting pains that sent her over the edge had ceased. She is feeling a little better and we are eager for her new pain control regiment to take full effect.

-Kirk

Day 277

2011-05-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

Mother’s Day
First of all if you are a mom I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I have two moms and it was very special spending some time dedicated to just them! I love you Mom! I love you Mom2!

I had an emotional mother’s day. I was angry that cancer was still holding me back from what I wished for my life and I was sad because Kirk and I have 17 embryos but had no baby to hold. I cried in the shower. Cried getting dressed and cried just wishing the sadness would pass. As it now stands I have 689 days left until I can start to have children. Pathetic that I know the days? I don’t think so, I see it as a woman that is very excited to be a mother.

Kirk being a sweetheart took me to the pet store to see the little cuddly puppies and although it made me forget about the sadness for a while, the smile slowly faded and I was gloomy once again. What made the whole day turn around was….Roman! Roman was slated to come over to my house for a couple nights and it has been so wonderful to hold this precious boy and read him a story before naptime and have picnics in the kitchen and secretly wear my very high, and very expensive heels around the living room. We made a fort under the table and played with cars until his little eyes were drooping. He crawled up into my lap and fell asleep. I am so happy to have a nephew who is fun and is always a darling. I have one more night with Mr. Roman and I can’t tell you what adventures will come next.

Thank you Bethany for allowing me to babysit your son. He heals my longing heart with his laughter and hugs. You are a super sweet sister to share him with me. Let’s start calling the day after Mother’s Day Happy Aunties Day!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 276

2011-05-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

Craft Fair
The craft fair day had finally come and I was going to be showing my handmade creations to the public! I was excited but nervous…what if no one liked my gifts? Kirk and I set up my table at Lake Connor Park and we waited until the first customers walked through the doors. I met some great people who owned lots at the park that I hope I will see again this summer; also I met some people who had baby showers and grandchildren coming soon so my business cards were flying. Overall I wished that there was a little more customer flow but what do you expect for Mother’s Day weekend? What I did not expect was the generosity of the people who stopped by my table. Some people came by and read my sign that I give 50% of their purchase to charities who support children in Africa and they just handed me money and said “it is great what you are doing”. The whole reason Emalene was started was to help African children so you can imagine that my heart melted with every donation.

Thank you everyone who stopped by my table. You are not only helping me but you are supporting a much bigger cause. I even had the pleasure of meeting one of my faithful blog reader’s family. Thanks Heidi! (I hope that is your name…I still have chemo brain…it’s a miracle I remember my phone number these days.) Thank you to everyone who has been excited for this business venture. I hope I can make a mark for a greater cause and if not at least I’m making baby’s heads warmer.

Love Always,
Sarah

Come On Down!!!

2011-05-07T10:00:00.001-07:00

Come on down to Lake Connor Park in Lake Stevens. I am having my first sale of Emalene hats at their craft fair. I give 50% of my profit to charities that benefit the children of Africa. I have such a heart for them and this is my way to show them love.

Day 275

2011-05-04T15:11:00.000-07:00

Trying to walk forward

The effects of cancer still cripples me down to my knees. I’m lying in bed sick from hotflashes, intense pain, nausea, and a headache that is making the room spin. I am in Cle Elum helping my friend Sherri cook for some 25 pastors and I feel helpless; unable to be away from the bathroom and unable to help a friend that has gone above and beyond for me. I’m so done with having cancer run my life. When will I be in charge again? I know that the road to recovery is taking 3 steps forward and 1 step back but some days it feels like I’m taking more steps backward than forward. Please pray with me that I will be able to help my friend serve these pastors and for complete healing will be on the horizon.

Lord, I want to serve your people and not let those who count on me down. Heal me Father. I want to be your hands and feet but I feel like my body is holding me back. Have mercy on your daughter and give me strength for the days to come. Thank you for the gifts that you give: my husband, my family, my friends. Father you bless me day in and day out; please give me strength to do your will and help those in need. I love you. Amen.

Love Always,

Sarah

Day 274

2011-04-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

5 steps forward 2 steps back…
Sarah has been doing so great lately, but once again the recovery from cancer continues to take its toll. Over the last month, Sarah has been starting to decrease the amount of pain cocktail she was taking because she was starting to feel pain free. She was so proud of herself and she was looking forward to her independence from pain medication. However, over the last week Sarah’s nerve endings in her chest were starting to wake up and cause serious pain. During Sarah’s double mastectomy surgery all of her nerves in her chest were cut leaving her numb in most of her upper torso. Now, she is starting to regain her feeling but unfortunately all the feeling that has come back has been pain. This is a new symptom and her doctors are trying to figure out how to manage this new pain. We have been working with Sarah’s pain specialist, but he is unable to see her and make medication changes until late next week. To add to the problem Sarah has been experiencing very severe hot flashes. These hot flashes are due to a hormone blocker medication that Sarah is taking to improve the percentage of staying cancer free. Imagine trying to sleep when one minute you have ice flowing through your veins and the next there is sweat rolling down your forehead. As you can guess the hot flashes and pain are causing Sarah to average 1 to 2 hours of sleep per night. So, when you can’t see your pain specialist for a week and a half and you haven’t slept in days, you are left with few options. For Sarah just about her only option for relief was the emergency room. My Sarah fought as hard as she could to be strong but the pain and sleep deprivation just overwhelmed her on Thursday night. This was very disappointing to Sarah because of all the hard work and persistence on her part to be able to live free of pain medication and hospital visits. At the hospital she was given pain relief and a sleep aid and it made a world of difference. Please keep Sarah in your prayers for her pain and sleeplessness. Thank you.

At the moment Sarah is very focused on finally being able to sell some baby hats for her new business Emalene. Sarah has a huge heart for under-privileged children in Africa and with Emalene her dream of helping them will become a reality. A portion of every hat sold will be donated to benefit the children of Africa. Sarah is getting ready to participate in her first ever craft fair. Because she is not sleeping, she has had lots of extra time to get hats made. The lack of sleep is certainly not a good thing, but it has allowed her to get a ton done. The craft fair will be May 7^th and 8^th at Lake Connor Park in Lake Stevens from 10a-3:30p. Come on out and show your support for Sarah and the hurting children of Africa.

Thanks,

Kirk

Day 273

2011-04-16T22:14:00.001-07:00

Blessings!
I want to thank each and every one of you who congratulated me on my great news. It touches my heart that so many of my friends and family called, wrote, texted, treated us to dinner and all but wrote in the sky how happy and proud of me you are. I am so blessed to have had an army of support backing me up in my fight for life…which I won! There are not words enough to describe the gratefulness I feel to have been shown so much love. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for loving me. You made the difference and I hope that I will show you that I will not take for granted this life that was spared. I will make a mark in history because I have a purpose and I believe that purpose is to serve God’s people. I am the Lord’s hands and feet and I will do whatever and go wherever there is a need. Thank you for giving me the courage to live without fear. Your prayers and encouraging words help me stand tall and feel that my survival is no accident but the divine plan of God. I have much to do and my goals in these next few months are to strengthen my body and mind for what God has in store for my future. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 272

2011-04-10T00:18:00.001-07:00

News!!!
News... and boy do I mean good news! I’m going to keep this short and sweet so we can all shout a joyful noise of praise. This last week I had a string of appointments at Seattle Cancer Care that lasted from 7a to late afternoon and by the last examination table I was told by all my doctors that I was doing way better than anyone could have imagined. My pain specialist was floored about my progress. My oncologist said it is amazing what I have accomplished in just one year. Then the best news came. My surgeon took my hand and told me my chance of getting breast cancer again is one to two percent. You don’t know what I left in that room when we walked out the door…weights fell off my shoulders when I heard that my percent of getting cancer again was as close to zero as we can get. I celebrate life because I have a life to live. I can breathe a sigh of relief and take the next step in my life with a smile on my face. I have beaten cancer. Sarah Elizabeth Lien has fought her battle and won.

Thank you for cheering me on to get this far! I still have much to accomplish to get back to where cancer found me but I am making up ground faster than doctors can even dream possible. And that is ONLY due to your prayers, donations, support and your love. Please keep me in your hearts as I work to regain what was lost plus much much more.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 271

2011-03-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm Back!!!
I’m back and ready to stay at home...at least for a little while. First Minnesota then California, what was I thinking? I had some great fun with a little pain but man it was totally worth it. I feel like I’m living again! On the road and flying about the country is liberating. Excuse me "normal life", Here I Come! As you read in the last post Minnesota was very enjoyable. Spending time with our family is always a special treat and I can’t wait for them to come here and visit us in the summer. We were only home for one night between Minnesota and California so it was crazy packing. When we left Minnesota it was snowing and when we got to California the sun was shining with gusto so out came the sunscreen! It was fantastic until the clouds came and sent us running back to our hotel in our ponchos! Can you picture all of us in orange and white ponchos running through the rain to the tram? It was quite a sight to see. The sun did come out for one glorious day and we enjoyed every minute of it…my red cheeks and nose are proof! It was so much fun reconnecting with my cousin and her daughter. When you visit California you can’t miss a certain theme park sporting mouse ears can you? I was feeling good for the first two days but then the third day my weak legs couldn’t walk without pain searing through my body so guess what I got to do? Use an electronic scooter! I was so embarrassed that I wanted to stay behind but I did get my party in the fast lane a couple times so by the end of the day I was the superhero of the lines. The most wonderful thing about Minnesota and California besides family was I didn’t need to go into the hospital or need emergency meds at all! God sure gave me a gift these last couple weeks. I still haven’t needed to go into the hospital for nausea or dehydration so is this the turning point we have all been waiting for? Please pray with me that I have weathered the nausea and dehydration storm and God has healed my body completely. Thank you Lord for safety on our trips with lots of laughter and fun!

On to another note, March 16th was the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I know! Can you believe it? One year ago I was a woman seeking what to do next in life and BAM! I had a stage 3 rare aggressive breast cancer that could have taken my life at 24 years old. I feel the need to celebrate life! How would you celebrate life? Get a tattoo? Go skydiving? Buy my dream car? Take a trip around the world? Buy a house? I am at a loss at how to celebrate that I am alive and well. I am still in shock that I had my life flipped upside down but didn’t God do a miracle in the midst of a tragedy? He sure held us in His mighty hand through each trial and triumph. I want to do something amazing with my life….God saved me for a reason right? I guess I am wondering what my next step should be. What course do I take now? Where is God leading me? I am so ready to live yet I’m a little afraid. What if I can’t do what I used to? What if I don’t regain what I have lost? All I know is I have survived cancer and that I have more to do in this lifetime…I just have to wait and see where my path leads me.

Thanks for keeping me close to your heart in thoughts and prayer.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 270

2011-03-22T20:54:00.001-07:00

How can being on vacation with your family wear you out? Isn’t vacationing supposed to be relaxing and rejuvenating? Well maybe not our family vacations. Between running through the house being the scary dragon to my niece and nephew, dancing to the Footloose soundtrack with my sister in the living room and walking on a frozen lake with my daring husband….I call that…FUN with a dash of ADVENTURE! I’m so happy when I spend time with family and friends my heart and mind heal…my body may take a bit longer but praise God that my soul is healing!

I wanted to share the news with you! I hope you think it is as exciting as I did when I heard it. My Muga heart scan came back perfect so that means no damage was done to my heart from medications or procedures. I would like to think other parts of me haven’t been damaged either and I have faith God has kept me safe. Also…..drumroll please……..my last PET scan came back CLEAR! No signs of cancer from the tip of my nose to the bottom of my toes. Isn’t that wonderful? I sure think so! I am officially cancer free and hope to stay that way for at least my 5 year goal of freedom from such a horrible affliction. And what a great way to celebrate a clean scan by going on a trip with my loved ones?

This week I also get to spend more time with family and that means more healing for my wounded soul and more laughter to tone my abs….doesn’t that count as exercise? It does in my book! Come on and join me and laugh your way to swimsuit season! Family is what counts, it keeps me going, it keeps me from giving up. How could I let my husband down by not greeting him at the door when he gets home from work? How can I let my niece down and not spin her around and around like a ballerina until both of us are so dizzy we look like bobbleheads? How can I let my nephew down and not cart him around in a Tupperware bin that he calls a “train”? How can I let my mom and dad down and not be the bossy first born….someone has got to be! I have to be Sarah…the girl everyone can count on and rely on to be there for each need. I want to be there. I need to be there. I don’t want cancer to take away my ability to be there for my family. No way in deed. I will be the cheerful greeter, the dragon, the train conductor, and of course the bossy first born. I will always be there for my family because my family will always be there for me.

Love Always,
Sarah

Vacation....oh how I love vacations!

2011-03-22T06:17:00.001-07:00

We are heading to the airport now in MN going home to good ol Seattle! Lord please keep us all in your hand of protection as we travel home today. We had so much fun visiting family and friends. I will post pictures soon of all the fun we had. Thanks for keeping Kirk, my family and me in your prayers this last week.
Love Always,
Sarah

Nausea

2011-03-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

As I sit writing to you I am holding on by a thread battling with nausea. I know it has been a long war with this enemy called nausea and I am at the mercy of God to keep me strong. I ask my family to pray when these waves of sickness come upon me and today my mother reminded me of something. My mom and dad are avid prayers for their daughters and I am so glad to have them in my corner of the ring. My mom prayed that no one knows my body better than God does. I know that but somehow it rings truer today. She prayed that even though she carried me in her womb she doesn’t have the know-how to what is hurting my body. She prayed that even though the doctors can do hundreds of scans and tests even they don’t have the know-how to what is hurting my body either. Only my Heavenly Father does and I have faith He will heal me when the time is right. Oh Lord let the time be near! I hold the Bible close to my heart and think of all the people Jesus healed just by words or by touch. God is bigger than this nausea and if I suffer I know God is suffering too with me and for me. As much as my earthly father yearns for my healing and strength I know my Heavenly Father wants me not to hurt even more.

I can’t remember where I heard this but I wanted to share it with you. A woman asks “Why do bad things happen to good people? Doesn’t God care?” She is answered with a story. If we were walking together and you fell and hurt yourself, did I mean for you to get hurt and want you to be in pain or would I stop, bring you to your feet and help you recover? That is what God does in our relationship. He walks with us each step and when we stumble or in my case… fall off a cliff; He doesn’t leave our side. He simply gathers us up in His arms and helps us heal; hour by hour, day by day, month by month or year by year. Only God can tell us when our hurting will cease but don’t you think it is amazing that He sticks with us through thick and thin. He is my rock in my storms…I hope He is yours.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 269

2011-03-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Okay you know how swimsuit shopping is meltdown island for every woman? Try trying on swimsuits in my situation. I have the opportunity to go on a trip with my family and there is a pool and I am not going to let my cousin down and not join her swimming. But truthfully I felt so embarrassed trying on these tops that you can see scars from my port, scars from lymph node dissection and each side, darker skin lines from radiation and not to mention my four tattoo marks from radiation. I just felt very ugly and different. I hope in the future these feelings will change and I will learn to put the blinders on when it comes to my body but I want to love my body and not hide it. I want to be a sexy 25 year old that doesn’t wear a turtleneck swimsuit that goes down to my knees…my mother and father might be happier if I did plus I wouldn’t have to use so much sunscreen…look there’s light at the end of this tunnel! I just wish my body didn’t look like such a war zone and I felt comfortable in my own skin. God has the power to change my way of thinking and how I look at myself…anyway, isn’t it inside beauty that really counts?

I wanted to update my prayer request list a little differently tonight. I recently went to a counselor and I wrote down some things that have been twirling in my head and I wanted to share them with you so we can all be very specific in our prayers. Here it goes:

Independence. I need independence something fierce. I haven’t been able to drive because of the pain cocktail and it has really taken a toll on me mentally. I want to get out on the road just me and the Jetta.

Complete healing for nausea. This back and forth, wishy washy game needs to come to a close. God please intervene and take a stand for me. Heal my stomach or whatever is causing this horrible nausea.

Energy and Strength. My body needs to remember I’m on the mend and get well fast. Everything seems to be on the slow track from weak to strong but with prayer (…and the Wii Fit) it all can change!

Business Woman. Pray for the ability to start and upkeep my business. I need the drive and confidence to run a small business and I want to be proud of it. Also I need God’s creativity to rain down on me.

Expectations. I expect so much from myself and when I can’t achieve my goals I feel like I am a failure and don’t give myself grace. I let myself down and I don’t forgive myself. God let me let it all go.

Memories. Our apartment reminds me of having cancer and being sick in each and every room. We need God to set something in our laps (house/apt.) so I can heal in peace without painful memories.

So that’s the first six I could think of. Please pray with me and for me. I know I am not alone in this fight. I have many friends and family cheering me on and it comforts my soul. God please ease my troubled mind and hear these prayers. Your word says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that You did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love and of a sound mind. I will hold You to it God because I do not need to be fearful but I do need to have love and a sound mind.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 268

2011-03-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a complete and total nightmare. As we were headed down to Seattle yesterday for Sarah's heart scan, she began to feel very nauseous. While we were in the waiting room, Sarah ran to the bathroom and threw up. Because she was so sick they gave her something to help her nausea. Sarah didn’t get almost any relief from that, but decided to carry on with the MUGA scan anyway. I am sure it took a lot of strength, but my sweet girl composed herself and laid still for the scan for about a half an hour. Finally she was done with the scan and we headed home. Once home I started her on two different anti-nausea medications and after a while she started to feel better.

This morning we are headed down to SCCA again for Sarah’s PET scan. This scan will show if there is any cancer left in her body. We know that there is not, but Sarah wanted to do this scan for her own peace of mind. Having said that, please pray for Sarah this morning because if there is cancer in her body still this scan will show it. Deep down we know Sarah is cancer free, but it is still scary to think about. Please pray for strength, peace of mind, and a great outcome.

Thanks for praying,
-Kirk

Info and Prayer Requests

2011-03-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, when Sarah woke up, she had alot of nausea for some reason. Even though it has been two and a half weeks since she has needed to go into the infusion clinic (Hallelujah!), she made the decision to go in, not so much for the fluids, but more for the anti-nausea medication they have been authorized to give her. After one higher dose and about an hour nap, Sarah was feeling much better and was ready to go home. Today, we are headed down to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance because Sarah has a MUGA scan which checks the function of her heart. Sarah has been having some swelling in her feet and lower legs and although her Oncologist believes it to just be a sign of extended malnutrition, a heart scan is in order to be on the safe side. Tomorrow, Sarah is going down to Seattle again for a PET scan. This scan will cap off all of her cancer treatment and will prove that there is no longer any cancer in her body. While that may sound exciting (and truthfully it is) Sarah is not happy about having all of tese scans done. She is simply ready to be done with it all. Done with medication, done with doctor appointments, done with big scans, done with surgeries, done with having her expanders filled, just done. My poor girl has been through the ringer and I cannot blame her for wanting to be done.

Because of all the appointments she has coming up and all the meds that she is still having to take, Sarah feels alot like she is taking one step forward and five steps back. Her depression is really kicking up a notch and for this Sarah really needs some serious prayer. Her doctors did increase her dose of anti-depressants, but all that Sarah is going through is proving to be very hard to overcome.

Please pray that joy will soon find my sweet wife. Pray that excitement will soon find her eyes. Pray that she will be able to look forward to tomorrow instead of dreading the next day and what might hurt or how sick she could possibly be. Sarah does have some good days, but she desperately needs a good week, month, and year.

Thanks for your support and bring on the prayer!
-Kirk

Day 267

2011-03-06T16:09:00.000-08:00

I forget sometimes the feelings that I hold in so close to my heart. I have such an emotional rollercoaster when I think of certain topics…well mostly one. One word, and you all can probably guess it, children. Yes, children. I’m like a broken record when I say I long for them but you know when you are told you can’t have something and then you want it even more? That’s me all the way.

Kirk and I said we wanted to wait to have children for 4 years of marriage. We wanted to travel. We wanted to go on mission trips. We wanted to have bought a house. I barely have done any of those things but the longing is still there. I was recently talking to a friend who has two children plus a new baby and she is tired and needs a mommy resting day. At first I was like please just be happy you get to have this precious baby but after a few minutes I knew that if I was in her position I would need a mommy break x5! Every season women will have different emotions. I long for children now but looking on the bright side…Kirk and I could fly to Maui at a moment’s notice and not think anything about it. Without kids we can stay out at long as we want, spend money on dinner and a movie instead of diapers! When I think about it I’m so happy we don’t have kids during this time in our lives…could you imagine having kids when you are going through cancer? Cheers to the women who have done it and are doing it right now! You are my heroes!

I still get sad some days. A couple days ago I got a baby shower invitation in the mail and I just stood in the kitchen and cried. Tears slid down my cheeks as I asked God why Kirk and I couldn’t have had a carefree life: marriage, travel, health, house, children, a puppy and of course the white picket fence. Maybe that life doesn’t exist for anyone but I hope I never stop believing in my happily ever after, there are a couple chapters being added into my book but I believe we will get back on track soon.

I watched my nephew Roman last night and today. At this moment Roman is sitting in my lap snuggling up because naptime is soon. It soothes my heart that this little one loves me so much. When I leave a room he points and yells “T!!!” (Roman can’t say Auntie Sarah so I’m just the “T” out of Auntie) He makes me love him more and more each day.

In Ecclesiastes 3 the Bible says there is a time for everything. I know that I have shared these verses with you in the past but they are so important to me. God knows that each day brings new emotions, new trials, and new happiness. God also knows my every thought and He knows my heart so I am safe under the protection of His hand.

I don’t know what this time and season will bring but I am excited for new things. God has thrown new goals and desires in my heart…starting with Emalene. I never thought God would call me to run a business. I don’t know the first thing about it but God is with me in every step I take. Isn’t that comforting to know God is right alongside of you helping you accomplish the desires of your heart? Well it sure is comforting to me. Now I just need to work on my confidence levels.

I have to be honest with you and say I’m in need of confidence. I am being challenged by God and my husband about confidence in myself and I fail each test they throw at me. Is there a book “Confidence For Dummies?” Or how about a 1 hour class I can take for me to learn that I am pretty, smart, courageous and that I have the “know how” to run a business? I’m sure God will help me with this as well…all it takes is time.

Medical News:
I’m sure you really read my blog to hear about the medical stuff and could skip the above but this is my online diary that you have the key to.

Next week I have a couple procedures to look forward to. I have a Muga scan to check out my heart because one of the pain meds can affect my heart. The next thing I have is a P.E.T. scan to do a final check on my entire body for any signs of cancer. I thought since I am finished with most of my treatments for breast cancer I wanted a scan just to ease my mind and settle down the “what ifs”. The final procedure next week is a fill for my expanders. We are expanding very slowly so we don’t stress out my radiated skin.

On another note I have not needed to go into the infusion clinic for two weeks now. All that has changed is me drinking Alkaline water. God works in mysterious ways and if He can use simple water to heal me then let’s do it!

Thank you all for reading about Kirk’s and my life. Sometimes these posts get so crazy I think they should be turned into a book or a movie…okay now I’m getting ahead of myself. I love all of you and the prayer that you give me is amazing. There is power in prayer and I am walking proof of that!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 266

2011-03-01T06:44:00.000-08:00

I used my hair dryer!

This might be a puff piece to you but all I’ve got to say is Wow! The dryer doesn’t do exactly what it used to do to my hair but I’ll figure it out. Right now it just makes my curly short hair fluffy and not what we would call stylish but it is something new and I’m all for it. Next time you use your hair dryer cherish it because I had no reason to use mine for close to a year and it was not the most fun thing I’ve done with my hair.

Okay I’m just going to come out and say it…some or most of you already know this but I’m depressed. This whole last year has stripped all of the “old Sarah” away and this “right now Sarah” isn’t cutting it for me or for Kirk. I don’t know who I am right now. I constantly let myself down with what I can’t do and then feel like a horrible wife for not getting anything done because I’m so weak. Some days I stare at a basket full of laundry and just melt to the floor and weep. I want to be strong enough to get the laundry done but I can’t muster up an ounce of strength in order to just think of the first step. Have you ever had one of those moments? I am having one of those moments just about every day. The dishes, laundry, a dusty shelf, and a messy bed are huge obstacles for me to conquer and sadly most days I am defeated. I am lucky though because Kirk’s mom comes and cleans for me; I am so grateful but deep down I am embarrassed that I can’t clean my own house. I have so many things getting the best of me right now but my main worst enemy is myself. I put so much pressure on myself to get things done by a certain time and when the deadline comes and goes I feel like a failure. I need help with all of this but where do I start? When I am feeling better this drive to accomplish things and giving myself deadlines will be great especially if I want to run a business but right now I need to give myself a break. Where’s the switch in my brain that tells me to calm down and rest? I also want to be honest with you and say my marriage has changed because of cancer…what marriage wouldn’t I guess. Things just are different between us. Kirk has seen the ugliest parts of his wife and while he loves me more because of it, I am so embarrassed. I hate for him to see my scars. I feel ugly in front of him. We used to laugh and play like newlyweds but all of that has been stolen away from us and I hate it. I want the playfulness to come back but maybe it can’t after you see your spouse lose all her hair, throw up in the car, change dressings after surgeries and gain weight from meds and chemotherapy. Again Kirk would say all this has brought us closer together but for me it has robbed me of my dignity. I want some secrets from my husband like him seeing me hover over the toilet for hours because of my stomach…I could go to the grave without him having that in his memory. Both Kirk and I want things to change for the better. However, things have negatively changed for us and we are the first ones to say “No way! We are not going to be like this…we want our old selves back and we will fight for it till the end”.

With saying all that you may say “Sarah, you need to go to a counselor!” and I will cut you off before you are done and say “Boy, do I know it”. Yesterday we had our first session with a counselor who is not only familiar with medicine and its effects but also she is familiar with cancer and everything that comes along with it. I want to talk to her for hours and hours so I can let my brain rest but I’ll have to wait till next time. She partners with Seattle Cancer Alliance so Seattle is where we have to travel to get the best treatment. Sorry Jetta for all the miles we are putting on you but I gotta do what I gotta do.

Please pray for progress to be made for Kirk’s and my relationship. My friendship with my husband is so important to me and I don’t know what I would do without his laughter. Just keep us in your prayers. God is powerful and He answers prayer. Be grateful for what you have and ask Him for what you need. Please just pray a special prayer for Kirk and me. I love you all. Thank you.

Love Always,
Sarah

Great News!

2011-02-26T02:00:00.001-08:00

Sarah made the decision this week to not go into the infusion clinic at all for extra fluids! She is drinking a different type of water at home and so far so good. Her body seems to be staying hydrated much better. Sarah would be ecstatic if she could stop having to go into the infusion clinic. As far as Sarah's health goes, this week has been pretty good. Please pray with us that this trend continues. Sarah had her expanders partly filled again today. This was the first time since before radiation and its exciting, but at the same time we need to be sure that Sarah doesn't experience any pain from these fills. Please also pray that this weekend will be a relaxing time for Sarah that is pain and nausea free.

-Kirk & Sarah

Day 265

2011-02-23T21:14:00.001-08:00

What in the world am I doing? I’m starting a business while I’m still on the on outskirts of getting well from cancer treatments. I am crazy or just ambitious? I’m going with crazy. I have set up a tiny office in my second bedroom with inspirational things to keep me smiling and focused but seriously my confidence is dwindling. I think that is the main reason that I started the Beth Moore Confidence study. Beth Moore can say so many deep and inspirational things that rock my core. I can spring into action and say these things to another person such as a friend who is in need or another cancer survivor that needs a pick me up after hearing test results. But when I read these words and try to have them sink in or straighten up my posture and speak them out loud hoping to spur the confined Sarah just waiting to spring into life; I just feel dumb and wait for something to happen and by the way nothing ever does.

Maybe if I share what I learned today with you I will be taught again and maybe just maybe someone will be changed because of what I chose to write about today.

Do not throw away your confidence. Why do we never feel good enough? Not good enough for others, not good enough for jobs, not good enough for ourselves and mostly not good enough for God? Beth Moore stated today “God can make the simplest person stunningly wise”. Really? I need to be wise so badly because I feel like the simplest woman on the face of this planet. Before March 2010 I had my life figured out. Kirk and I were going to travel for mission trips and pleasure, Buy a fixer upper home, bring home a dog from the shelter for a second chance, have babies, you know the whole white picket fence sort of life. When does everything change and why does it have to change to fast? “We have been created with brilliance because we were created in the image of God”. Does that put pressure on anyone else? I have been created in the image of a God I cannot ever fully understand but love with all my heart. As I think of everything that I think I could be better at. Being a woman of God, being a godly wife, daughter, and sister, being a business woman, being a spiritual mentor, someday being a mother. You can see I have a lot on my mind that I think I could easily fail at and that is why I’m so heavily seeking God confidence in each goal. The enemy is desperately looking for treasures that we have trashed so he can attack us where it really counts. Like right now I’m trying very hard to start my business, Emalene. It’s a simple business where I want to sell my baby/toddler hats and it has been my dream for a year now. The enemy knows how very important Emalene is to me for my confidence and independence and he is shooting his piercing arrows right where they will do the most damage. I look at my hats now and think they are hideous. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t take myself seriously as anything but a sick woman ridden with cancer scars. I think of myself as an untrained, unwise, and unrealistic girl that has put time and energy into something that might make me fall on my face in front of a million people. The enemy is shooting his arrows pretty accurately these days and I am losing my strength to hold up my shield to block them; I’m starting to believe everything but God is whispering to me “Pull your confidence out of the trash can and stand tall”. Ladies and Gents If God is behind me then I will not fail but it is so hard taking on a new venture. I need my brain to think about Emalene instead of cancer. Cancer cannot run my life anymore. It can derail my train cars once in a while but only for a short while and then I have to get back on my path to victory that God has laid out for me. He has paved the way and I won’t let Him down not to walk on it!

Please pray for me to have a sound mind in Christ. I need some serious prayer for strength and confidence in trying new things…I don’t want to only be known for cancer anymore. I want to be known for following the way of the Lord and being a light in the darkness. Thank you for your confidence in me!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 264

2011-02-20T23:50:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for your messages assuring me that it is okay to have a bad day…or two…and be honest about it. I try and try to sweep my emotions under the rug but you know how it is; one day the ugly dust monster comes out to play when company has just arrived! I guess all I wanted to say is thank you for sticking with me and being my cheering squad who has got my back!

I’m trying to get better with my emotions. They are just so ugly with no sign of any hope. Sarah’s Hope, I know but it’s hard to have hope each day. New challenges are brought forth each day and when you are already on the breaking point I must be careful of what I take on. But I do need something to get out of bed for…as thrilling as getting up to a hurting body and taking pills every 4, 6, and 24 hours seems it’s not too glamorous. I have mentioned starting up my own business in the past but I’m finally going to do it! I need that “something” to get out of bed for. I need that sense of purpose! I got myself all geared up today about what amazing things I could do while brainstorming for my “baby” when I felt a tiny twinge of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. Fear does NOT come from our Lord. Victory comes from our Lord along with all-consuming love. I was having such a hard time dealing with fear and self-esteem issues I went to my spiritual mentor Beth Moore to get an espresso shot of God. This is a study I have done before but how many times can you hear the truth? A million times for me! Man did I need a jump start today and boy did I get one. Beth starts out saying Do not throw away your confidence and pray for the gift of God confidence. Hebrews 10: 35-36 says “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to preserve so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” I have to say I have been throwing my confidence in the trash can and turning on the trash compactor on it…how is it ever going to survive? It is so hard to be strong these days for me…I bet it is hard for all of us to be strong so please don’t think I think I’m the only one going through struggles. Another topic Beth touched on is if we are constantly being hit in the areas of our effectiveness we ought to figure out very quickly that it is the enemy’s attacks that are breaking us down and not just a bad day. The enemy knows our weaknesses very well and he uses his knowledge when we are at our weakest or when we are doing our best. The enemy doesn’t want me to start my business because my little business will help children in Africa, prove that there is life after cancer, spread my story even farther than it has gone already and most importantly let the world know that God is the center of my world and He should be the center of yours. I have big dreams but I’d rather have big dreams than no dreams.

My body hurts but I’m not letting the enemy keep me in bed. I’m not letting him be grumpy to my husband. I’m not letting him wash away my confidence because I am praying for the gift of God confidence. People don’t throw away your confidence…you have a right to it so stand tall and fight for it!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 263

2011-02-17T21:11:00.000-08:00

What am I to do? Be happy? Be sad? I can’t stand not knowing what to think or what to feel. I actually know what I think and feel but how boring and dreary would that be writing about my pain and suffering every day? With each post, I want to share how I am healing, how my life has changed and what amazing things I am going to do with my new found desire for life, but I am consumed with pain, anxiousness, weakness and hopelessness. My blog is Sarah’s Hope but what happens when Sarah has a very serious lack of hope right now?

I thought after my treatments with chemotherapy, surgeries and radiation I would be on the road to recovering. Nothing is farther from that goal! It feels like I’m weaker each day but then I have one day where my body doesn’t hurt that bad and I feel like my life is turning around but the joke is always on me to get my hopes up and have them be trampled on for when I wake up the next day I can barely move out of bed. I’m 25! What 25 year old feels like garbage each day and prays for God to intervene so she can live…actually live? Right now I’m living from alarm clock to alarm clock for pain medications, drinking special water for body health, going to the hospital twice a week for dehydration and taking naps every chance I can get. I want to drive. I want to be left alone for more than 2 hours before someone calls to check if I’ve fallen down. I want to start my own business. I want to work with flowers and babies and to organize. I want to feel normal. I want to feel free. I want to be talked to about something other than cancer…but that’s the thing…nothing, absolutely nothing is happening for me except cancer so conversation topics are limited. I feel like I’m on a deserted island…trapped… and have written HELP in the sand waiting for an airplane to see my distress call…will anyone ever see my help sign? I need something special in my life. I need a break. I need something that I want to get out of bed for. I know I’m still defending my life from cancer but is that all I can do right now? Maybe it is but I’m pleading that it isn’t all that I can do. I am a girl who has survived the first attacks of breast cancer but that is not who I really am…it is what I have done. Who I am is a young woman looking for more out of life. I want so much and I am so afraid that cancer had defeated me by defining who I am. Will the world forget my name after I don’t have traumatic things happening to me each and every week? What am I doing but being sick? I want my To: Sarah, From: God package to come complete with a guide book “What to Do Next”. I have a mind full of wonder, excitement, and dreams but I barely have the energy to write all of them down. It just isn’t fair. I want to do something to help the children of Africa. I want to do something to help women who are walking in the same pink ribbon shoes that I am walking in. I want to count down the days to when I can call myself a mother. You can see I have many dreams and I need help getting to fulfill all of them but first comes my strength and health. I just get overwhelmed at times and break down. Only God knows what my husband thinks when he comes home from work and I am crying while doing dishes or sobbing over a wrinkled shirt wondering if my life is over. I’m just on the border line of being alright and the strange thing is I fear I will never be whole again.

Again something comes up and I can’t post on the blog until the night! I went shopping with my mom and my nephew today for about 2 hours and after I got back home I started to throw up uncontrollably. Kirk and I had to cancel our dinner plans with friends and schedule instead for me to go to the hospital for fluids and anti-nausea medication…this is my life! Will it ever get better?

Thank you for listening to me have a meltdown. You are always there to hear me celebrate good times and try to forget hard times. God bless you all.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 262

2011-02-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

I wanted to start a little different today. Below are some questions I frequently get asked and I wanted to share my answers to all my readers. I hope you enjoy seeing a peek into my soul…it is damaged and bruised but it will push on.

How is your pain doing?
My pain is overwhelming. I have been in touch with the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance Pain Clinic at least once a week trying new medications and dose changes. I feel weaker than ever and I seem to only get worse as the weeks go by. Today I started a new medication cocktail but I must wait 24-48 hours for it to fully kick in. I’m praying that this will be the last “new” medication we will have to try and I will finally receive some relief. My pain level is normally at an 8, which is very high, but with this new cocktail it should go down to a more manageable number such as a 5.

What is the hardest thing you are going through this week?
There are a few things I am having trouble with this last week. I am having trouble with feeling like I don’t have the strength to do anything on my own. I get panicked that in the middle of most activities I have to take a break and rest… for goodness sakes…..I’m 25 years old I shouldn’t have to take a rest after folding laundry! I am also feeling like such a horrible wife. I am unable to clean our house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, cook a meal, well basically everything that a wife is supposed to do. I feel like Kirk should run away from me because I am the neediest woman on the face of the planet. I push myself as hard as I can to do the dishes before Kirk comes home to the point of tears because my legs are too weak to stand but I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t get them done. I’m losing my mind being this weak. God help me be strong! Not just on the inside but on the outside too! Another issue that is becoming a major problem is my dignity. Because of all the things I have had to go through, medical appointments, weight issues, bleeding issues, hospital visits, and personal questions from every medical form possible I feel like I have lost all but an ounce of my dignity. I have no secrets from the world. I have no secrets from my husband…trust me it is good to have some secrets from your spouse. Such as how many times you can throw up in the car in a single trip or what your head looks like when patches of hair are missing. This week has not been the worst week ever but it is one of the few I won’t be forgetting.

What is the one thing you want to do but you are unable to right now?
I want to fly. Not crazy fly like a bird but I want to get on an airplane and fly to Maui. I need a Maui trip more than anything right now. You have no idea how that island soothes the soul. God took special time creating my island and I am desperate to get back there and enjoy it.

What scares you in your treatment process at this time?
Most of my treatment processes are over right now but there is one that hasn’t started yet and it is scaring me already. My hormone therapy. Hormone therapy should keep my estrogen levels down enough to keep the cancer from returning. I haven’t started the medication yet so technically there is nothing keeping the cancer from returning. That is a little unnerving right now.

Who is your angel in disguise these days?
You may have guessed it but I have many! First of all I have my husband. This man doesn’t complain after he comes home and I haven’t had the strength to get out of bed and pick up the house. He doesn’t get upset that I don’t have the energy to go anywhere and we are stuck sitting on the couch all weekend. Kirk is just satisfied being with me, caring for me, loving me and holding me while I cry. If Kirk isn’t an angel sent to me from God I don’t know what he is.

More angels…my family! Each and every member of my family. Especially my mom. My mom pushes me to live. She pushes me to get stronger. She pushes me to stand tall and fight for what is mine. A big reason why I fight hard is because I have a strong woman holding me up and her name is Barb Hawkins, my mother. She has walked the road before me and now she walks the road beside me. I love you mom. I couldn’t do this without your guidance and confidence.

Is it hard keeping up your smile?
Yes. It is hard to keep smiling when my heart is breaking and tears are only seconds away. It is hard to keep smiling when all I want to do is hide my face and scream in frustration. The hardest part of keeping a smile on my face is the fact that all I want to do is smile for real. I want joy to conquer all. I want victory over cancer and smile because I have won. I smile because I know one day I will have victory and that my life will be wonderful again. Kirk and I will succeed and we will have our happily ever after…at last.

Thanks for holding me close to your hearts as you watch me walk this journey. Pray Pray Pray and then Pray some more. The Lord listens to his children and I know He hears our every word.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 261

2011-02-06T23:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had a lot of fun. We went to a 50’s themed costume Super Bowl party. Even though Sarah felt awful today she wanted to get out and do something normal for a change. Sarah went as a “Pink Lady” and I went as a “greaser.” We hung out with family and friends and had a really great time. Thanks Bob and Sherri for hosting the best parties.

I was so proud of Sarah because she has won the best ladies costume two years in a row. Last year was Vegas themed and we went as a bride and groom. I’ll tell you what…she won best costume last year but she looked much better on our actual wedding day.

This next week will be a lot of doctor appointments and we are in desperate need of prayer. Monday Sarah has a follow-up appointment with her radiation oncologist and Tuesday she has another appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. Also on Tuesday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids. By the end of the week, we are going to try and get in to see a doctor about the hard area under Sarah’s arm. Please pray that this turns out to be nothing serious. Finally on Friday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids again.

Maybe by this weekend, Sarah will be feeling well enough for me to take her out on Monday for Valentine’s Day.

-Kirk

Day 260

2011-02-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

Enough is Enough...
We have had a long and rough week. Since Sarah has been on blood thinner for her leg clots, she has a couple of issues with bleeding. She now has to go through a series of tests and it is just stressing her out. Her doctor decided that the risks and side effects of Sarah taking blood thinner are too great for the little benefit she is receiving from it. He has OK’d her to stop taking her blood thinners immediately. We both thought that after her radiation we would be done and things would settle down. I guess we thought wrong. It seems as though Sarah has had to deal with every complication possible. If it isn‘t cancer, its blood clots, if it isn’t blood clots its pain, if it isn’t pain it’s sleeplessness…and the list goes on. It seems like it will never end. We had thought that Sarah wasn’t going to need fluids from the infusion clinic anymore, but that hasn’t been true either. We have continued to need to come in so Sarah can stay hydrated. We are trying to keep in mind that Sarah has been through hell and back and her body will need some serious time to fully recover. We don’t know why, but Sarah is not sleeping at all. On average she gets about 1 hour a night. This is obviously not enough sleep, but we don’t know what to do about it. I feel bad that I can sleep whenever I lay my head down and Sarah can’t get a wink. Even though Sarah may hold a tiny grudge against me for getting such great sleep, she still gets up in the morning and makes me a lunch to take with me to work. She is a very thoughtful and caring wife in the midst of all that she is dealing with.

Prayer Request: Sarah has a hard area under her arm. She asked her doctor about it today and he wanted her to have it checked out by her oncologist. Anyone who has gone through cancer understands the fear of it returning. Sarah is very scared and worried that the news will not be good. It is very possible that it is just scar tissue, but until proven the worry is there. Please pray for Sarah that while she waits to see what the verdict is on this God will bring her peace. Also, please pray that it is 100% negative for cancer.

We are in the infusion clinic now and Sarah is almost done getting her fluids. They are also able to give her some IV sleep medication which we have proven works. They will give it to her right before we go and most likely Sarah will sleep better tonight.

Thanks for reading. Sarah and I will try to write more often, but it has just been a really long couple of weeks. Prayer is always helpful!!!

-Kirk

Day 259

2011-02-02T00:03:00.001-08:00

Tonight we are in the infusion clinic as planned. Sarah is starting to need less and less fluids, but she doesn't want to get off track and become severely dehydrated. Sarah is still having quite a lot of pain in her body. She is starting to regain feeling in certain parts of her chest, but the feeling is coming back as pain and discomfort. She is working with a pain specialist at SCCA, but he hasn't found a great solution so far. She is still taking a long acting pain med, but is trying to find a quick acting medication that will give her some immediate relief when her pain is at its worst.

Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.

For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.

-Kirk

Day 258

2011-02-02T00:01:00.001-08:00

Day 257

2011-01-30T22:48:00.000-08:00

Tuesday we went into the infusion clinic and Sarah got two liters of fluid, even though she received some IV pain medication she didn’t seem to have any relief from her pain in her chest and her head, and to boot she woke up sicker than a dog the next morning. I guess that is what narcotics do for you.

Wednesday, even though she was ill in the morning, she pushed through and was able to go with her mom and her one and only nephew Roman to the children’s museum in Everett. They had lots of fun exploring the museum inside and out, but the one thing they kept going back to was one of Roman’s favorites; the trains! By days Sarah was starting to feel a bit better. However, she still was having a significant amount of pain in her body so a solution was definitely needed.

Thursday she had an appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. He told her to increase her long acting pain medication to 3 times a day instead of the two. When she first started taking this medication, she was told that if she ever upped the dose she would have a couple of days where she felt quite tired. With the current increase she is feeling very tired, but it has enabled her to get some much needed sleep.

Friday I called the infusion clinic and was able to get an earlier appointment. Lately Sarah has needed to get 2 liters of fluid each visit. Each liter takes about four hours and so when we normally start that process at 6 we end up being there until something like 2 in the morning. They were able to get her in at 1:30 so we happily headed home at about 10:00 went back in for more fluids. This time Sarah opted not to get any IV pain medication although she desperately needed it. However, because she had gotten so sick from it the time before, and because her pain specialist asked her not to she went without.

Saturday Sarah went with me to a silent auction dinner to benefit the booster clubs at Glacier Peak High School. I was hired as the IT guy for the night and just needed to be there to make sure everything ran smoothly. Overall everything was a lot of fun. Sarah and I had a great time walking around and we even bid on a few silent auction items. However, by the end of the night Sarah desperately needed to get home. Sarah’s stomach still isn’t at full strength and so our dinner didn’t sit that well with her. By the time we made it home she was in desperate need of anti-nausea meds.

Sarah spent Saturday night and early Sunday morning tossing and turning. She tried to read, played a game on her phone and got up a few times to stretch her legs and back. Her pain and upset stomach kept her up just about until my alarm clock went off. When my alarm goes off and I look over at my wife who is sitting up smiling I know she didn’t have a good night. Sarah tried to sleep for a couple more hours but sleeplessness and her running mind took over. I know that she has a lot to think about, but I know she has to get some sleep in order to function.

Chemotherapy, surgeries, radiation…they all do some nasty things to your body and Sarah has had her fair share of lasting effects. The battle we are fighting now is getting back to normal when we don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m sure it will come but how long must we wait?

Thanks for reading and sending your concerns via comments that Sarah gets on her phone. She feels very special knowing that her support system is praying at a moment’s notice.

-Kirk

Day 256

2011-01-25T17:58:00.001-08:00

Now that Sarah is done with treatment, she thought it would be a good idea to stop taking her long acting pain medication. However, now that it has gone from her system her whole body is hurting. She did not realize how much pain the medication was keeping her from feeling. All the pain and uncomfortable hours has kept her up two nights in a row. She has started taking the pain med again so hopefully after a couple more days she will be able to get some sleep.

We are in the infusion clinic again tonight as planned and will be here for some time. Thanks for your continued prayer and support.

-Kirk

Day 255

2011-01-24T00:34:00.000-08:00

Even after a week of celebration for health I still ended up in the infusion clinic. I started feeling a dehydration headache come on and after two nurses asked if I was dehydrated I figured I might as well go in for fluids before the nausea starts. Kirk and I went in at our usual time, 6:15, and ended up staying until 2am! Yikes! It always takes a few tries to get an IV started but that wasn’t what kept us out so long. What ate up the hours was the speed of my IV fluids. My nurse had to use the tiniest needle that they had in order for it to work with my veins. Because she had to use the tiniest needle we had to go super slow with the fluids in order for the vein not to be overwhelmed and blow. Since chemotherapy my veins are like tissue paper and everyone has problems using them. I ended up having 2 liters of fluid to get me back on track. When I was finished we were desperately tired and headed home to get some much needed sleep. I also had a doctor appointment on Friday for a follow up for my blood clots. As it turns out, I have another clot in my foot that I didn’t know about. I’m continuing with the blood thinners but the good news is that my Dr. doesn’t think I need to be on them for the maximum 6 months! Overall I am feeling much better after the follow up visit and the 2 liters of fluid. It’s amazing what a little salt water will do. The rest of the weekend was relaxing…just how I like it. I’m so grateful that God has settled things down enough to rest. Thank you for praying for health and rest for Kirk and I. We are in need of a break and I think I see one on the horizon.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 254

2011-01-20T21:49:00.000-08:00

The week of worrying about my blood clot finally took its toll. I hadn’t been getting very good rest but I slept great today. It was wonderful. As you know I have been getting less than 4 hours of sleep on average per night so when my body can sleep for more than that it’s a dream come true.

Kirk came home at “medication time” and gave me my shot. He is so good at it and I am so proud of him. I hopefully only have one more day of shots and then I will continue to take the pills for up to 6 months. Today I went to the lab for a Coumadin blood level test and once again the technicians had trouble finding a vein…funny how I knew that would be an issue. They heated my arm up with pads and hoped for the best but the first poke yielded nothing. More heat and then a second poke. This one had a little better luck; we were getting a good return of blood then all of the sudden…nothing. The vein just clamped off and disappeared. Yeah, you guessed it…more heat. After 2 techs looked up and down my arm for anything they could use I stepped in and showed them my sacred veins that never let me down…I can’t show everyone where they are because my veins wouldn’t be so friendly if I shared the secret. Third poke was a cinch and the lab tech was impressed that I knew my veins so well. The test results should be back tomorrow and I will know if I need to up my Coumadin levels or decrease my levels. I have an appointment with my general care physician tomorrow and he will let me know if I need to change my diet, limit my activity and also how many times I have to get my levels checked a month. Sounds like a big hassle and it is but I’m just happy I am alive and cancer free…it is all how you look at it.

I got to spend some good family time with my mom and dad today because my dad made Kirk and me one of our favorite dinners. Chicken broccoli! It’s one of my dad’s most famous dishes and we flock to the house when it’s on the menu. Thanks Dad for a good meal!

Thanks everyone who keeps me and my family in your prayers. Prayer works and I am living proof of that fact. You are so important to my healing process and I am incredibly thankful for each and every one of you.

Love Always,

Sarah

Day 253

2011-01-19T23:06:00.001-08:00

I am still doing pretty well on the blood thinners. It is a little scary thinking about the possibility of the clot breaking loose, but we believe that God will keep me from harm. I have been crocheting like a mad woman because I am trying to stay off my leg. After awhile it is hard coming up with new things to do.Today Kirk caught me watching a marathon of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Don't laugh...she was one tough cookie.

I am getting very excited about regaining my strength. I would be feeling the best I have in a very long time if it wasn't for my leg. Tomorrow I have a lab test to check the level of blood thinner in my system. The results will define what dose of pills I should be on after I am done with the shots. Kirk continues to get better and better at giving me my shots and we are about half way through them. Kirk should really consider a career in the medical field because he has been so great! I'm off to get my shot right now so thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I truly cherish all the love that you give.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 252

2011-01-18T23:54:00.000-08:00

We are doing better...
Kirk is getting the hang of syringes again and I am feeling better from the flu like symptoms I was having. Every 12 hours it’s another poke and another pill…is this ever going to end? I guess not for a while and I should be happy that I am alive because trust me I know life could be worse. I’m so grateful for my husband. He hates giving me each shot but he acts like a pro as he confidently says “Here’s a little poke…done! Are you okay?” What a man I have. Kirk doesn’t go weak in the knees over medical stuff; He only goes weak in the knees for me!

I’ve been having a day full of rest while babying my leg. I don’t like resting, but what’s a girl to do? My leg is pretty painful and I’m hopping more than limping so I spent my day making hats for the Cancer Center in Seattle and catching up on my DVR shows. While watching my shows I saw a bunch of old Christmas commercials and I got bummed out. I missed Christmas this year. I was so sick and in pain I missed getting into the season and enjoying family. We were at the hospital Christmas Eve, Christmas day and every day leading up to New Years. Yuck! I hope next year Santa will bring a Christmas full of joy and health…think I need a bigger stocking?

Thank you for all your continued support through the worst year of our lives. Every comment on the blog and message on Facebook lifts my spirits and always puts a smile on my face. Thanks for sticking with me for the long haul.

Love Always,
Sarah

Update

2011-01-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

Can we get a break...???
After we came home from the ER, Sarah was starting to become more and more nauseous. She fell asleep for maybe an hour, but woke up and immediately threw up uncontrollably. We made the decision to go back into the ER since Sarah was now most certainly dehydrated. They were only able to marginally control the nausea, and after she had received some fluids, Sarah decided she wanted to go home. When we finally made it home the throwing up continued a couple of times, but she then went to sleep and slept for about four hours. After our nap, I woke Sarah up and we headed off to her ultrasound appointment. Even though we are dealing with flu-like symptoms, we still needed to handle the pain in Sarah's leg. After a thorough examination it turns out that Sarah does have a clot in her leg. It is superficial but still needs to be treated as clots can move to the lungs, heart, or brain and pose serious risks. Later in the afternoon, we saw a doctor who prescribed treatment for Sarah's blood clot. Over the next five days, I have to give her injections of blood thinner in her belly twice a day. After that, she will have to be on oral blood thinning medication for six months. Six months seems like a long time to us, but hopefully it will keep any additional clotting at bay. At the end of the day we may have found the reason for Sarah's nausea. Her mom and dad were both similarly sick today so the three of them must have gotten a bug. After a few hours Sarah began to feel much better. Let's hope it is the same for her parents too.

Please pray that we don't get overwhelmed by the lasting negative effects of Sarah's cancer treatment. All we want is for our life to get back to normal, but it seems like it will never come.

-Kirk

Prayer Request Update

2011-01-17T02:24:00.001-08:00

2AM: We are now home from the ER and have an update for you all. The doctor did not think it was a blood clot, but to be sure he gave Sarah a twelve hour blood thinner and ordered for her to have an ultrasouund of her leg tomorrow. We will update you when we know more.

Thanks for praying,
Kirk

Urgent Prayer Request!!!

2011-01-16T22:48:00.000-08:00

My pain is getting worse so we called the on-call doctor to see what we should do. Since the pain is getting worse and has not gotten any better over the last couple days she said she would feel the best if we went to the emergency room to get it taken care of now. They will most likely ultrasound my leg and if they find a clot put me on a blood thinner or prescribe some oral blood thinner. Please pray for a quiet night in the E.R. and a clean bill of health. The last couple times the E.R. has been quite mad house so we will need an intervention of peace. E.R. Here We Come!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 251

2011-01-16T21:40:00.000-08:00

Say a little prayer for me…
Okay I am doing fine but have a little something I am worried about. I am having a pain in my lower right leg that has my insides churning. Ever since I have had to get creative and try IVs in my legs I have had severe pain in both of them but my right leg is getting worse. I am told that it could just be vein irritation due to the IVs that had to be put into my ankles or it could be a more serious condition such as a blood clot. My mom who is a nurse is siding on blood clot because of my symptoms so I am a bit worried. Kirk is going to be calling the doctor’s office to get an appointment or if they think it is serious hopefully I will get right in. I’m almost to the point of needing crutches because my leg hurts so badly and I look very silly hobbling around. I’m kind of bummed out that pain is trying to take away my smile of being totally done with the “tough” parts of cancer treatment but heaven knows I will keep my smile on no matter what. I will let you know what transpires with my leg…let’s pray that whatever it is that it will not be serious and that it will resolve itself.

Tonight is my congratulatory dinner with my family. All my parents and siblings will be there plus a special little nephew. My nephew is pretty darn special to me. Roman was 6mo old when I was diagnosed but did that stop the little boy from being there for me? He’s part of the Hawkins clan so of course not. He has been to the Cancer Center for many chemotherapy treatments, visited me when I have been in the hospital, came to surgeries and been my tiniest fan rooting me on. I better give my sister Bethany kudos because Roman couldn’t get far without her! Thanks Bets for all your love! All my family has been so supportive to me and I couldn’t have done it without them. Driving me to appointments...to midnight prayer. Cool compresses...to house cleaning. Dinners...to head shaving…My family has done it all so tonight is supposed to be about me but really I have to give it up to my family. I was probably not the sweetest in all my moments of need but thanks for sticking by me never the less and fighting the fight with me…sometimes even for me. I love all of you and couldn’t have made it this far without each and every one of you. Thank You!!!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 250

2011-01-14T20:39:00.001-08:00

Five down...Zero to go:
Can Sarah get a whoop whoop? Today was Sarah's last radiation treatment and she wanted to go out with a bang. I didn't even think to do anything for the radiation oncology staff, but Sarah is always thinking of others. She loved everyone in the radiation oncology department so much so she decided to bring in cookies for everyone. They were always so blown away by Sarah's great smile and generosity throughout her treatment, but were very floored to see she had brought in a gift for everyone. One of the bakeries we stopped at had designer cupcake so I bought Sarah a lemon one with "Congratulations" on top. She saved it for after treatment, but it started the celebration even before it officially began.

Today was not a day overshadowed by cancer, but instead it was a day of rejoicing. Sarah ws excited all day because in her mind she was counting down the seconds to victory...victory at last. Everyone at SCCA celebrated righg along with us. There were hugs and congrats all around from Dr. Kim, the Nurses, the radiation therapists, and even the front offipce gals. Dr. Kim said she was incredibly proud of Sarah for finishing strong. It was such a wonderful time that our cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. Sarah has a follow-up appointment in a month for them to congratulate her on her progress.

After Sarah's radiation treatment we began heading toward home, but we made a few special stops on the way home. We first went to Pike Place Market for some flowers. Most flowers are out of season, but we still had alot of fun. Sarah and I have a love for Seattle that will never die.

Next we stopped at DSW where Sarah had the run of the place to find some new shoes. She had only planned on getting one pair, but I insisted that she deserved to get two. Sarah was very excited and flew from shoe to shoe like a beautiful butterfly. I then had to stop by work and take care of one item. My office is moving from one high school to another. I had to quickly pack up my things and move them to my new office. I didn't expect Sarah to help me at all but she insisted. I again was floored that my sweet girl is alwyas thinking of others and no matter what is raring to help in any way she can.

The last special stop we made was dinner. We went for a simple dinner, but one that Sarah has been craving for weeks...Greek from Kafe Neo in Marysville. Let me tell you this girl goes crazy for a lamb gyro and greek fries. After dinner we headed home and came into our apartment, turned on the heat, and settled in for a night of reflection on the past year and anticipation of the coming year. Because my job is changing for the better and Sarah's treatment has finally come to an end, we feel like we are both getting a new beginning. It is a wonderful feeling to say the least. A huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

One fantastic development is that Sarah has not needed to go to the infusion clinic this week. We are hoping that her body will now be strong enough to fight things off on its own without any help. Sarah was having a bit more pain than desired after her treatment so I had her take her long acting mophine, her short acting morphine liquid and an anti-nausea med just to be safe. The day will come very soon that she won't even need these meds anymore and will be 100% pain and nausea free. My wife fought cancer and won with her arms in the air celebrating her victory. I ask you all if she could take on cancer with the amount of resolve and positive attitude that she had, is there anything this girl won't be able achieve? I think not...

We still have more to come including reconstructive surgeries, hormone therapy, and lots of recovering from this last year, but please celebrate the victory with us today. We parise God that we made it through bruised, but not broken. God is the only one who could have given Sarah the strength to fight. We thank you all for keeping us so close to your hearts this past year. We have seen nothing but support and unfailing love from all of you. Christ is loving us through you.

Thank You!!!
Kirk

Day 249

2011-01-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

Four down…One to go:
We are so excited that Sarah has completed all but one of her radiation treatments. She will finish @ 11:30 today and after that the celebration will begin. I am going to make today all about Sarah. To start with we are going to go to Pike Place Market and buy some white flowers. Sarah loves the flowers from Pike Place because they remind her of her wedding flowers. I can’t tell you the joy it brings to her to have flowers at home every day. After that, we will begin heading north. Our next stop will be Designer Shoe Warehouse at the Northgate Mall. What girl doesn’t like new shoes? Sarah definitely does and I will be getting her a pair or two to celebrate. Who knows what little fun activity we will think of next, but later on Sarah and I are going to have dinner to celebrate the end of her treatment!

This week has turned out 100% better than I ever thought it would. Staying at the hotel was a really great thing for Sarah this week. There have been some uncomfortable nights for Sarah, and even though at times she hasn’t slept real well she has made it through. Sleepless nights have now turned Sarah into the “Queen of Infomercials.” She can repeat them word for word and is very excited for our appliances at home to fail so she can go “shopping”! Overall the hotel has taken what could have been a bad week, and made it a little more bearable. However, Sarah’s skin is turning red again and her doctor warned that it could continue to get a little worse over this next week. Please pray that this is not the case. We want Sarah’s skin to permanently heal and not get any worse.

Sarah and I would like to extend a huge Thank You to Dr. Kim and the SCCA Radiation team. What they do has a truly awful effect on people, but they make up for it with their kindness and great concern for your situation. I cannot imagine a better place for my wife to have gone through this final phase of her treatment. Thank You!!!

Thanks for all your prayer and support this week...it was needed greatly and we knew we could count on you!

-Kirk

Day 248

2011-01-12T19:43:00.001-08:00

Three down...Two to go:
Sarah is well on her way. She gotten through three of her five remaining treatments and is doing great! The week off combined with the stay at the hotel has really helped her ability to cope. She was able to get a great night's sleep last night which always makes things better.

Sarah is enjoying doing something fun after each treatment. It puts a positive spin on our time down here instead of a negative one. Last night we did dinner and a movie and tonight we took SCCA's free pass to the Pacific Science Center. Even though it is sort of for kids we had great time just being together. Sarah took my picture with the world's biggest guitar and Sarah basked in the wonder of the butterfly exhibit. She had two beautiful butterflies land on her and she just enjoyed seeing all the different species. Sarah read at the exhibit that when a butterfly lands on you, it means good luck. Hopefully it means that this will be the last time in her life that she will require any kind of cancer treatment. To cap it all off, on our way out Sarah had a unique opportunity that not many, including myself would have taken advantage of. How many of you can say that you have touched a Madagascar hissing cockroach? Well Sarah now has. She faced her fear and triumphed! I on the other hand would not touch a cockroach with a ten foot pole. After the Science Center, we wanted to grab Chinese food for dinner. Sarah had asked her radiation therapists where the gem of the city was, and they both gave the same answer. Judy Fu's Snappy Dragon. Let me tell you...It was some of the best Chinese we have had. Way to go Judy Fu! Their barbecued pork reminded me of my Uncle Koos's. Grandma I know you're reading this so please remind me to ask either you or Uncle Koos for his recipe. At the end of dinner, our fortune cookies came and oh man...Sarah and I both could eat like twenty of those. Along with the good luck of the butterfly landings, our fortunes capped off the evening and sent us on our way back to the hotel. We are settling down now for the night and Sarah is making adult hats for the cancer center. She has four completed hats next to her and she is finishing her fifth right now!

Exciting News!
This morning Sarah was getting dressed and in the process realized that she is starting to get some feeling back in her chest where it was once numb since her surgery in September. We hope that she continues to regain feeling in her numb areas (mostly the right side around the back of her arm and side of her chest) and retains that feeling even after her reconstructive surgeries.

Thanks for praying for us this week! God has been gracious and so far things have gone better than we expected.

-Kirk

Day 247

2011-01-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

Two down…Three to go!!!
Sarah has gotten through the two additional treatments that her doctor wanted her to. Woohoo!!! The next three treatments are nothing but icing on the cake. My sweet girl definitely deserves some much needed recognition for being such a trooper this whole horribly long year. Her cancer treatment has taken to her right to her breaking point. She is so strong that all she needed was one week to gather herself and she was ready to stare treatment in the face and say, “Nothing will keep me down.” I am very proud that even though her doctor told her she could be done with only two more treatments instead of five, she decided to finish and go all the way. Sarah said, “I don’t only have myself to think about, but I have family, my husband, and my future children to think of.” I t was for that selfless of all reasons that my Sarah has mustered the strength to complete her treatment. In the end it will bring her a great sense of achievement. Moving forward she will be able to say that she did every treatment possible so that she could be around for the ones that love her. After this past year, I truly believe that nothing will keep my Sarah down.

Now to happier thoughts…We are here at the hotel and let me tell you it has made things so much easier for Sarah…(and myself). The hotel has so many great amenities and it seems like we discover something new that’s free every day. They have free full breakfast (not just continental), free full dinner on weeknights, as well as free cookies, hot cocoa, and coffee in the lobby 24/7. We have a wonderful room that looks out at Lake Union and Queen Anne Hill. At this very moment we are looking out our window and watching as a thick blanket of snow covers downtown Seattle. It is truly beautiful to see!

Tonight we used the movie tickets we got at Christmas and decided to have a date night at the movies! It was great to get out and do something normal for a change. I can’t wait until Sarah is back at full strength and we can return to doing all the things we enjoy like dinner with friends, weekends away, and date nights just the two of us. We both desperately want the fun to return.

We are looking forward to 2011 being a better year and to getting back to normal. Thanks so much for reading!

-Kirk

Day 246 #2

2011-01-10T22:21:00.000-08:00

A note from Sarah:
I won’t be a hero and say it wasn’t hard walking into Seattle Cancer Care Alliance today because it definitely was. It was hard but it felt good to walk in those doors to finish something I had started. My SCCA day started with a visit with my Doctor. Dr. Kim is such a great woman and she genuinely cares about how I have been doing so when she about jumped out of her skin because of how good my skin looked I got a boost of confidence that I am going to come out of radiation looking fantastic.

The rest from Kirk:
Sarah started writing this post but very quickly became too tired to continue. I know that eventually Sarah will feel ok, but it has been such a long time since she has that I almost can’t remember. It is good to hear that as she wrote above she knows after these treatments are over her body will start to return to its normal state. It has been great for Sarah to have this past week and a half off from treatment. It gave us some time to realize what it will be like to not go the hospital so much. Oddly enough the hospital has become the norm not the exception. I am sure Sarah would agree, but I would be just fine if I never stepped foot inside another hospital again…ever.

We are doing as well as possible down here in Seattle. We have a really nice room with a great view of Lake Union and Queen Anne Hill. It was nice for Sarah to not have to sit in traffic for an hour or so all while her pain creeps up from the day’s treatment. Instead we just dove 45 seconds to the bottom of the hill and went into our hotel room. There Sarah was able to immediately crawl into the nice bed and sleep off some of the pain. I hope that staying right here on the SCCA campus will prove to make these last…well …only 4 (now)…treatments as easy as possible. At the main desk at SCCA, there are some free passes to numerous attractions in Seattle. If Sarah is up to it she would like to try and take advantage of this. She so desperately wants to start “living” her life again and it shows more than ever here at the tail-end of her treatment.

A funny story…at least to us…
Last night Sarah was just getting into bed and she looked over and saw what looked like 2 white Good and Plenty candies on my bedside table. I had been eating these the night before and had left a few there for later I guess. Sarah grabbed the first one, popped it in her mouth and was loving it…mmmm Good and Plenty. Sarah couldn’t help herself, and sneakingly reached for the second one. She threw it in her mouth, but this time was horrified to find that this one was not in fact a second white Good and Plenty but her Tylenol she needed to take. She found out the hard way that Tylenol definitely does not have a candy coating. I guess next time she tries to sneak and eat my Good and Plenty, she’ll think twice. We had quite a laugh. Maybe it’s kind of a “had to be there” story, but Sarah thought it was worth sharing.

Now Sarah is trying as hard as can be to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. She is finding that the last few radiation treatments really brought on the fatigue she had not had up to this point. Thanks for reading and please pray that Sarah’s will stays strong. I know it must take a lot of mental, emotional, and physical strength to go through what she has gone through this year. My wife is one tough cookie!

-Kirk

Day 246 #1

2011-01-10T12:15:00.001-08:00

We will be leaving for Seattle in a little while. Please pray for Sarah that she will have a peace about starting treatment and that her skin would not get as bad as it was before. She desperately wants to be done with all of this, but she knows it is important to finish her treatment.

-Kirk

Day 245

2011-01-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up feeling a little under the weather. Maybe it’s the upcoming week of radiation or maybe it’s the little sleep I am getting. Either way I was not up for anything to do with being up out of bed. I am looking forward to being in Seattle for the next few days because like it or not it is a mini vacation and I have to be grateful for each and every one that I get to enjoy.

My parents have Baby Roman overnight so of course we made an effort to go see my sweet nephew while he was hanging out with G-pa Jim and Nana Barb. He was sleeping when I came over and I was itching for him to wake up so we could play! I checked in on him whenever I heard a little movement and finally when I couldn’t handle it anymore and the excuse of “if he sleeps anymore he won’t sleep tonight” came up I jumped at the opportunity to “help” him wake up. His eyes opened up a little and the first thing he saw was his Auntie Sarah smiling big and just aching to play. We started with little games like peek-a-boo and very quickly our little games turned into running around the kitchen and living room chasing each other. My parents are technically the babysitters but what is it called when the Auntie and Uncle baby sit for the babysitters who are going out to dinner with friends? I thought what a chance for me to get in some extra special time with Baby Roman while my parents enjoy a dinner with friends! You know we jumped at that opportunity so the babysitter becomes the dinner date and the visitors become the new babysitters…just the way I like it. Now it is dinner time, and the boy is enjoying one of his favorite meals; Graduates for Toddlers ravioli. He quickly finished that and we are on to chicken soup…oh wait he doesn’t seem to like that at all. Well, since I am his auntie and not mommy I will give him his dessert which will be strawberry applesauce. Okay that was a hit but I think it was more a hit with me than Baby Roman and I finished off the cup with little help…oh well…baby food is just good. Uncle Kirk is taking over with trying a bit more of the chicken soup and clean up. Lucky me I got out of clean up! Baby Roman is showing signs of winding down for a little nap or for the night so we might all snuggle up for a Disney movie and all drift off to dream land and wait for the first string of babysitters turned dinner partners to return.

Thanks for reading about my uneventful yet eventful evening.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 244

2011-01-07T20:18:00.001-08:00

It’s official…
I’m officially on the schedule for radiation next week. Yah! Right? I guess I should be happy that my treatment is nearing the finish line but come on can you see why I’m not jumping up and down? I’m sure you can.

I talked to my doctor today about finishing up and man it was a tough phone call. My skin is just starting to look good and I just told her I wanted to do all of my remaining 5 treatments! What was I thinking! I know what it was…I want to come out of this situation being able to say I did everything possible for the sake of my longevity. My doctor said that she would be comfortable only doing two more treatments, but I am not going to let an additional three treatments hold me back from keeping my head held high to cross the finish line. Dr. Kim reassured me that my skin that has now started to heal will not get as bad as it was. It will be disappointing for me to see any setback in my skin’s recovery, but I only have 5 treatments left and I am determined to finish them. Kirk and I will be staying down Seattle to make it as easy as possible for me to get through my remaining treatments. Having a hotel practically on the SCCA campus will allow me to get to all of my appointments without having to be stuck in traffic, if I have any setbacks in my health I will be right there for my doctor’s to get me immediate help, and it will also allow me to relax during this last week of radiation treatments.

We are at the infusion clinic now and like always they had a bit of trouble getting an IV started. They mentioned that I should get my chest port put back in, but with my luck as soon as I do that magically I won’t need to come to the infusion clinic anymore. However a nurse from the emergency department came up to try her hand at starting an IV. She decided to try a needle that is used in pediatrics. I guess the needle and catheter are half as long. Immediately she achieved success! I will now be asking for that type of needle whenever I have to have an IV. I joked to my nurse about this being our date night, but technically…it kind of is. We’re in a nice quiet room in the corner, there is low light, and we brought dinner. The warm blankets and ice chips are just an added bonus. It is funny how your perspective changes when you have had to spend so much time in the hospital. You really know where the “nice” places are. For example, the infusion clinic is like a five star hotel compared to the emergency room which is like a “No Tell Motel” complete with “the horror story.”

I am hoping that this next week will not be more than I can handle, but instead will be a great finishing touch on my cancer story. Thanks for journeying with me on this road of breast cancer! I could not have done it and will not be able to continue without your support.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 243

2011-01-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

A mix up…literally
After getting out of the hospital one of the prescriptions Sarah was given was for a liquid pain reliever. She has had such a problem with regular pain pills and nausea we were desperate for another option. Our local pharmacy didn’t have the liquid ingredients to mix up so they just gave us the pills as the replacement. I have since had to chase down the liquid version. We asked SCCA and they gave us a new prescription and filled it at their pharmacy. Tonight is the first night Sarah is taking this liquid version since she has gotten out of the hospital and we are hoping it gives her a little extra relief.

Sarah has had a week off of radiation so far and already her skin has improved by leaps and bounds. Every day when I get home from work I am amazed to see the progress. 70-80% of her skin is starting to look like normal skin again. Hopefully Sarah’s skin will almost completely heal by Monday making it a little easier for her to continue her final treatments.

Thank you for praying. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being there for both myself and my wife. I am so grateful to have a support system that stretches so far.

-Kirk

Day 242

2011-01-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

Rest and Relaxation...
Today Sarah had a day of much needed rest. She and the couch were quite close friends. As we posted yesterday, Sarah’s radiation has been postponed until Monday. With the week off, Sarah is looking forward to some R&R. Just in the couple days Sarah has had off, her skin has started healing. There are a couple of areas under her arm that even look like normal skin again and aren’t raw. Sarah’s doctor did tell us that her skin would heal as fast as it broke down, but I was surprised to see her progress when I got home from work. This doesn’t mean that her tissues under the surface aren’t still irritated and painful, but at least we are seeing how quickly Sarah’s skin will bounce back.

We capped off the day by having dinner with Sarah’s parents, but that was cut a little short when Sarah said she was starting to have a little more pain than she would like. We quickly headed home and got in comfy clothes, cuddled on the couch, and are trying to settle down for the night.

It would be our hope that Sarah’s skin would heal so much by Monday that finishing the last 2-5 treatments won’t take such a huge toll. In order for Sarah to finish she needs to feel like her body can handle it. Our biggest prayer need right now is strength and quick healing.

Thank You,
Kirk

Day 241

2011-01-03T22:39:00.001-08:00

Overwhelmed, Sick, and Tired…
Those three words sum it up in a nutshell. Even though they were finally able to come up with a drug regimen that would help with the pain Sarah has been having, that doesn’t help her poor skin. Almost the entirety of the right side of Sarah’s chest has majorly blistered leaving her raw. Sometimes she will just be sitting on the couch and her chest will start to bleed. I got a panicked phone call from Sarah today. The bottom line is: she is absolutely at her wits end with radiation and told me that even though she only has five more treatments slated, she would not be physically able to continue them. She said her skin is just too raw and painful. I talked with her doctors about this and when we went to see them today they had a few suggestions. They are trying to get the total dose of radiation up to the point that their research shows it to be successful. Sarah is a mere two treatments away from that number. They would like to be able to get five more just to go the extra mile, but Sarah may not make it that far. After looking at the extent of Sarah’s skin breakdown, her doctor said that she is in the top ten of the worst cases she has seen. Yikes! The wounds are clean, but the breakdown is extensive. Because of the worsening skin and Sarah’s dwindling coping skills, the doctor suggested that Sarah take a bit of a break. She is going to call us on Friday and see how Sarah is doing. If her skin has healed some and Sarah feels up to it, she would like to continue the treatments on Monday doing at least two and more if Sarah can handle it. We are not sure what this next week will bring. Sarah wants to finish her treatments, but needs to feel like she is able to withstand the “torture.” We most likely will be staying in the hotel on SCCA’s campus to try and make the last few radiation treatments as hassle-free for Sarah as possible.

Please pray for Sarah to get some sleep. It is very difficult for her to find a comfortable position when her whole chest is raw. She has tried every position imaginable, switched sides of the bed, tried the recliner, then moved to the couch; nothing is working. I can’t even imagine having to cope with something like this, and as Sarah’s doctor pointed out today Sarah has been through one of the toughest rounds of chemo, an incredibly invasive surgery, and 99% of an extremely aggressive dose of radiation. That is a lot for anyone to handle. The doctor added that while Sarah has been an incredibly good “sport,” everyone has their breaking point. Sarah has truly either reached or is very near to reaching hers.

Thanks for supporting my sweet girl! Please Pray…
Kirk

Update 2...

2011-01-01T14:09:00.001-08:00

Sarah has been here at the hospital since Wednesday night. While she has been here the doctor's have been working to find a plan of medication that will address Sarah's pain and keep it a level she can deal with. Yesterday morning Sarah woke up and her pain was down from a 7 or 8 to a 4 or 5. Yes! They had finally found a combo of medication that would control her pain. The best part is that everything they used she can get a prescription for and take at home. This is fantastic news for Sarah! She now has a medication plan that will control her pain at home. Because she is doing so well they will be sending her home today.

Even though we now have her pain under control, Sarah still has five more radiation treatments left. Please pray that Monday through Friday will go as well as possible and that Sarah's skin breakdown will not worsen.

-Kirk

Update...

2010-12-29T23:08:00.001-08:00

We have seen the doctor and Sarah is getting some medicine to treat her pain. It was quite difficult for Sarah's doctors in Seattle to coordinate for her to be admitted to the hospital here in Everett. We are hoping that Sarah will get the help that she needs. Sarah has already found the secret diamond in the rough here at the hospital (the oatmeal raisin cookies.)

As the doctor was asking Sarah to rate her pain on a scale of 1 to 10, Sarah started crying. She said that she doesn't remember what it feels like to be without pain. She continued by saying that the pain she might rate at a 7 now would have been a 14 or 15 before.

My sweet wife needs to have a chance to feel good again. I long for the day when is 100% pain free.

More updates will come as they are available.

-Kirk

FYI...

2010-12-29T21:27:00.001-08:00

Sarah has been admitted into the hospital from now until Sunday night. She is mostly ok, but she is having alot of pain due to radiation. Because of all the pain she is having we have been in the emergency room for something like 6 out of the last 10 days. Sarah's doctors at SCCA have allowed her to postpone her radiation for a couple of days and hope that some time feeling better in the hospital will help her to regain some of her much needed coping skills.

Please pray for Sarah. She is desperate to be done with treatment, but just needs to make it through the next two weeks.

-Kirk

Day 240

2010-12-27T02:24:00.000-08:00

What a Christmas…
Reader discretion advised.
This week has been the week from hell. Let’s just say santa didn’t visit this year. Sarah hasn’t wanted to write lately as to not ruin your holidays but now that Christmas is over I thought I should let all of you know what has been going on. On Monday Sarah started having intense nerve pain because her nerve endings are being burned by radiation. Not fun to say the least. She also has two large open sores on her radiated area that are completely raw. Her pain tied to the current status of her skin is becoming quite more than she can handle. Tuesday we went in to the infusion clinic as planned for her dehydration and got as much pain help there as possible. For those of you who don’t know, pills pretty much of any kind, don’t work for Sarah. Her dad is the same way. She hides her pain for as long as she can but when she starts shaking the jig is up and I step in to help her fight the fight. Sleep, or anti-nausea medications even in high doses and receive no benefit. She seems to only get the negative side effects, most commonly nausea. When she is being treated for nausea anyway, the last thing we want her to do is take a bunch of medication that doesn’t work, but only makes her sick. That would be kind of counter-productive. Wednesday, Sarah’s radiation oncologist tried giving her a pain medication that targets nerve pain specifically, but once again after taking the pills she received no pain relief only nausea. Because she had received no relief from pain we went in to the emergency room so she could receive IV pain and anti-nausea meds later that day. These help but don’t last that long. Because the IV medications are short lived, the emergency room really is only able to give her temporary relief. However in this case, some relief is better than none. Thursday, Sarah went back in for radiation and after they sent Sarah up to their infusion clinic so she could start the evening with a little relief and try to skip the emergency room. This really only proved partially helpful and ultimately left Sarah with a sleepless night of agonizing nerve pain. Friday Morning (Christmas Eve) we went into the infusion clinic in Everett as planned to treat Sarah’s dehydration, they tried to treat her pain but nothing seemed to help. Sarah wanted to keep trying things but it was obvious that on that day with the level that her pain was at she was just going to be miserable. This was a call that I had to make and let me tell you, looking Sarah in the eyes and telling her that there was nothing else they could do for her that night was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am sure it made her feel very hopeless. After that we went home for a few hours and then tried to make the best of the day and went to my parent’s house for the Christmas festivities however bittersweet they may have been for us this year. Friday Sarah tried her hardest all day at her parent’s to make it through without needing to go somewhere for pain relief, but by the end of the night, she was in so much pain she was shaking, and on the verge of tears. I made the decision to take her in to the ER again. There they were able to make her comfortable enough that she fell asleep, but by morning she was already in agonizing pain. This morning, a little worse for wear, Sarah dragged herself out of bed and we went to her parent’s again for their 2nd Christmas celebration. By this evening I could already tell that I would be taking her to the emergency room yet again. So, to review, since Monday Sarah has been in an infusion clinic 3 times, in the ER 3 times and has been poked for an IV access a grand total of 20 times (all in the same arm). Now when I said the week from hell you all know what I’m talking about. Let me tell you Sarah is tired, exhausted, in severe pain, has two raw wounds on her chest, and is 100% at the end of her ability to cope with all of this. I don’t think she will even be able to stand her remaining 7 radiation treatments. Tomorrow I will be calling her radiation oncologist and discussing with her the possibility of cutting Sarah’s radiation short.

Through everything that has happened this week Sarah has been a tremendously good sport. In light of all of her pain she has been a saint making sure to say Merry Christmas to everyone she saw and even going as far as to bring doughnuts in for the entire infusion clinic staff on Christmas Eve. She has gone above and beyond and tried to think about others during this holiday season, but she is just at the end of her rope and doesn’t want to be sick anymore. She does a very good job of hiding her pain and discomfort around people, but all the months of doing that is starting to take a huge toll on my sweet girl.

As I am writing this, we are in the emergency room waiting for an IV therapist to come and put in an IV in Sarah’s poor arm. We have been here for three hours already and they have yet to come and get an IV started so they can get her comfortable. It’s not because they haven’t tried, but Sarah’s arm has hardly any veins left that are viable.

Please pray that the radiation oncologist will see Sarah’s struggle and either come up with a serious solution to fight her pain or discontinue the few radiation treatments she has left.

Kirk

Day 239

2010-12-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

How many nurses does it take to put in an IV???
One…usually. However tonight was quite a different story. Sarah is in the infusion clinic tonight and the nurses were having a very difficult time finding a vein that would work. Finally on the fourth nurse and 7th try overall they got Sarah’s veins to cooperate. Sarah joked (as she often does) that tonight was like cheap acupuncture. Due to the issues they have had every time trying to get an IV started, Sarah is seriously considering having a chest port put back in. That decision would depend on how much longer her nausea remains an issue.

Sarah is nearing the end of her radiation treatments. Out of 28 she only has 9 left. Woohoo! Her skin is becoming more and more red and irritated with every additional treatment, but her doctor, nurses and radiation therapists are doing everything they can to make these treatments as pleasant as possible. For the most part, they have succeeded in that. Sarah absolutely loves her everyone in the SCCA radiation oncology department.

As Sarah’s treatments come to a close we are very anxious for this New Year to begin so we can start with a clean slate and leave all of this behind us. On that note we have begun to plan numerous vacations for the summer so we can have some time to relax together without the stresses that this year has brought. I often realize that Sarah and I have become acclimatized to life with cancer. Do we like it no, but when you do things day in and day out, that’s what ends up happening. We are both very impatiently waiting for the chance to have fun together again. It will take time for life to return to “normal”, but our “normal” has changed. We see most things in a very different light. We have a new appreciation for things like health, laughter and family. We also have a new appreciation for certain aspects of medical care. It is amazing how things like hospital ice can bring such comfort. Wait….hospital ice…??? Yes hospitals have the most fantastic ice! It isn’t solid, but it also isn’t liquid either. It is somewhere fantastically in between. If anyone is looking for any last minute gift ideas for Sarah, the answer is right here in front of you; a hospital ice machine. Let me tell you she would love you forever. Wait another minute am I even reading what I’m writing? If I got her the ice maker machine I could earn some serious “brownie points” (its sheer genius!!!)

Please pray that with the additional burn creams they have given her, Sarah’s skin would not continue to deteriorate with the remaining radiation treatments. Last night was especially tough for Sarah. Her skin is hurting so she took some pain killers. The meds didn’t take away her pain, but they made her nauseous. The combo of pain and nausea kept her up all night. She literally didn’t sleep one wink. Exhaustion has definitely set in. Sarah told me this morning that she watched me set my alarm and was wide awake when it went off for me to wake up. How frustrating that must have been…However Sarah always puts the positive spin on things. Today, we were talking about last night and she said, “Honey, it just gave me a chance to brush up on my late-night infomercials. Can I interest you in a micro-Hibachi or some Ginsu knives? Only $19.95, but wait! If you order now well throw in a second one for free!!!” As funny as that may sound, please pray that sleepless nights don’t continue to happen.

Thanks for reading! You are all awesome!!!
Kirk

Day 238

2010-12-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

3am sure gets lonely...but wait...I have you!

I am once again up writing in the wee hours of the morning because my brain won’t turn off. I am a thinker and there is not much I can do but clear my mind and focus on the blessings.

My pink skin has started turning a bright shade of red. It is uncomfortable to sleep and a little sore but now that it is red I know exactly where to put my aloe gel! My doctor told me I am 60% done with my treatment and my skin looks very well for what it has been through. While Kirk was helping me put aloe gel on the back of my shoulder he asked if this is the worst part. I smiled and said “Oh no! This is a walk in the park in comparison to chemo and surgery!” I hope Kirk felt better after hearing that but I don’t think he did. My husband can’t stand to see me in any kind of pain so when I get a tiny poke for a blood draw he still holds my hand tight and asks me if I’m okay. I’m telling you…I’ve got the Husband of the Year!

I could complain about all the things that are keeping my mind up but what would that get me? A night feeling sorry for myself that’s what! No thank you. I want to keep my spirits high so I am choosing to think of the blessings. They are being poured over my life so I don’t have to look very far. It is so easy to focus on the awful things in our days and completely overlook all the blessings. I for one don’t want to miss out on all the sprinkles of joy God puts in my every day. I am so very thankful for each and every helping of blessing.

What I am thankful for today: The radiation/oncology team at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance! 5 days a week they greet me with smiles. They remember my name, tease me about how many scarves I own, and offer to come back from lunch early to get me on my way sooner. We laugh and talk about “regular stuff” and leave out the fact I am there for cancer treatment. I’m pretty sure I will have withdrawals once our “visits” come to a close. They are just awesome people and I am attached! Thank you God for putting the right doctors and therapists over my care.

Another thing I am thankful for…You! Thanks for catching up with me and my journey. I know I am lifted up in prayer each day and I cherish all the love and support that you give. We may not have even met but you are very special and dear to my heart. Thank you.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 237

2010-12-15T23:13:00.000-08:00

Fun facts about Sarah:
Her hair is growing like crazy. It is now an inch and a quarter! We thought it was coming in straight and a little darker but as the months go by we are seeing soft curls…well half curls; her hair isn’t long enough to be full curls yet. Sarah is excited to go through all the hair styles from being bald to french braids. What a trooper this girl is. She shelved her wigs and head scarves as soon as possible and has been sporting the Audrey Hepburn look ever since. Occasionally people stare at my darling wife and boy does it make me mad but Sarah shrugs it off and makes a joke about it and says “they are just staring at how gorgeous I am!” Sarah doesn’t know how right she is. People come up to her everywhere and say things like “I just love your hair” or “You are so brave to cut your hair so short”; she smiles, takes the compliment and hands them a blogspot ribbon.

Another Sarah fact is she is a yarn fanatic! Our apartment looks like a yarn ball exploded. Her notes, hats, pictures and of course yarn is scattered on the table and couch. Every day I see new creations that are so very “Sarah”. She soon will launch Emalene, a business she has started with my sister. I can’t wait to see what this new year will bring!

Keep Sarah in your prayers. She goes into the infusion clinic on Friday for fluids and hopefully her nausea won’t return. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed and our prayers flowing!

Thanks,
Kirk

Day 236

2010-12-14T20:38:00.000-08:00

This week is the start of our new experiment to fight Sarah’s nausea. As I mentioned before, Sarah will be going in to the infusion clinic twice a week for hopefully just fluids to see if keeping well hydrated stops her nausea dead in its tracks. We do have one concern. Every time Sarah goes in she has to get an IV. This is very hard on her veins and is becoming more of a problem because after her surgery Sarah can now only get IV’s in her left arm. The doctor’s are talking about the possibility of putting in another port in her chest. Sarah really does not want to do this as it would require another surgery. Please pray with me that the Sarah’s nausea will subside very soon so we can leave this all behind us.

As radiation continues, Sarah skin continues to get more and more red and irritated. She says that by Christmas her skin will be as red as Rudolph’s nose and Santa will need her on Christmas Eve to guide his sleigh. Guess who gets to join in on the reindeer games this year.

Your support means the world to us. Keep the love coming our way.

Kirk

Day 235

2010-12-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

An update from Kirk:
Well, we are in the infusion clinic again today. Sarah isn't extremely sick today, but she would be this weekend if we didn't get her fixed up tonight. It is so strange that IV fluids, anti-nausea meds, and pain meds are what help her system feel better on a temporary basis, but somehow they do. I was thinking about this all the other day and realized that the only thing she receives that would last for days is the IV fluids. The other two drugs wear off in a couple of hours. It was with this thought that I came up with an idea. If Sarah's doctor wrote a series prescription for her to routinely get fluids twice a week instead of once, she might never get dehydrated and hopefully not get nauseous. I ran this idea by Sarah's doctor and he was all for trying it. So, from this week on Sarah will be getting IV fluids alone to see if staying hydrated keeps her nausea at bay. Please pray with us that this will help Sarah feel better. We realize that twice a week in the infusion clinic sounds not so great, but its all about perspective. When nausea and vomiting are the other option, the infusion clinic and an IV are a walk in the park.

This week we have seen a couple of specialists. The first was the SCCA nutritionist. The nutritionist has laid out a plan not to fix Sarah's nausea, but to try and help her body fight/deal with it. She asked Sarah to eat small portions every 2 to 3 hrs; never eating a large meal. Keeping something in her stomach at all times will hopefully help to lessen the severity nausea and help maintain a decent weight. The second was a sleep specialist at Swedish. Sarah discussed all of her troubles sleeping and was asked many different questions. The final verdict was that Sarah's insomnia is caused by everything she is going through (My first thought was, "Tell me something I don't know...") However what she continued to tell us was that this type of insomnia is very similar to post-traumatic stress induced insomnia. In this case, because Sarah's brain activity is so strong due to everything she has to think about and be worried about, the medications she has tried are rendered inneffective. Wow, that explains alot!!! The sleep specialist then told us how in these cases it is lifestyle changes that offer the greatest relief. So then Sarah said, "Well if you prescribed me a baseball bat, that would change my lifestyle." My Sarah never misses an opportunity to insert something that makes her situation light-hearted. I will always love that about her.

Please pray that these things we are trying to do help Sarah on all fronts actually work. She is desperate for sleep, desperate for nausea relief, and desperate to be done with all this cancer "stuff." I cannot thank you all enough for supporting my Sarah as you all have over these past 9 months. She has needed every bit you have given!

Kirk

Day 234

2010-12-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

My life is all over the place isn’t it. One day I’m in bed without the strength to lift my head and the next I’m having fun decorating a Christmas tree…I guess I can be grateful for never having a dull moment.

Yesterday I felt awful. I wasn’t expecting to feel so nauseous at least until Thursday! It’s pretty bad when you can look at a calendar and say “Oh can we plan for Tuesday instead of Friday because I’ll need to go to the hospital that day.” I’m getting good at predicting how long I can last…I can predict the hour that my nausea will turn into…something else. It’s like being on a game show and the prize is going to the hospital and getting stuck with a needle! Alright, so not a great prize package but the “feeling good” part sure does beat “new car” smell. In Kirk’s case he would rather be nauseated and have a new car but that’s a man for you. I, on the other hand, would like to go one week without having to go to the hospital…hmmmm…how many weeks has it been? I’m going to look. (Isn’t the internet a wonderful thing?) I looked back and the first time I went in for fluids and anti-nausea meds was September 27th! Yikes, that’s like 10 weeks in a row. No wonder my arm is black and blue, it never has time to heal. Wow, I just realized that I can map out doctor appointments, special events, hospital visits and every lovers quarrel I have with Kirk! This is my online diary and you have the key! Don’t you feel special? I’m sure I write some things that make you want to say “I could have gone all my life without knowing that piece of information” but that wouldn’t be real life would it? I have to make the brave guys that read my blog squirm a little. I am, however, grateful for all my readers to have stuck with me through thick and thin. You keep me writing and I wonder how far my story is reaching…hold on a second…I’ll look! This month my blog has been read by people in Germany, India, the U.K., and Italy…and that’s only this month! If I look back Australia, Russia, France, and the Netherlands have hit my site! That’s a wide mileage range from readers. If you are one of those readers from out of the country “Welcome”! I hope I have been a good ambassador for Sarah’s Hope and also from the state of Washington. If you happen to want me to come to your country and visit you I’m all for that as well. Now I’m not being a good hostess; I invited myself to reader’s homes and somehow I don’t think that’s the proper etiquette. I’m just excited! If anyone who lives farther than Winthrop, and if you don’t know where Winthrop is then you count, wants two ambassadors for Sarah’s Hope and Breast Cancer survivorship in their neck of the woods I am amped up just thinking about visiting you! Can you imagine if my blog was the door to missions and traveling the world? Well, I am going to believe that God can use anything to bring his will to come so I’ll keep an open mind and an open schedule.

Today I decorated the Christmas tree with my mom. It’s something that we do together that we take pride in. Our tree could be in a magazine…seriously! Martha come check out this tree…it looks like it has jewelry on! My mom loves buying special ornaments that you can remember where they came from. Like mission trips to Biloxi, Mississippi, when our family went to the nutcracker and of course when we all went to Hawaii! She buys matching ornaments for all us girls so no matter where we are all of our memories come together to celebrate family ties and Christmas. Like every year, as soon the tree skirt is down, Max (the dog) is under the tree taking his rightful place as the first present of Christmas. I love decorating with my mom for the holidays. It’s just so much fun coming to Mom and Dad’s house when the tree is lit up, stockings are hung and the scent of cinnamon is in the air. I felt little again, filled with wonder for what the season will bring. Cookies and bows are coming up next!

I wanted to thank everyone who gave me a book or gave me a gift card for a book store. I have to go back even farther than that…I borrowed some of the books that my Mom received when she was recovering from cancer treatments. I have read many pages full of laughter, tears and “Wow” moments. I have highlighted and dog-eared so many encouraging verses, poems, stories and each book has offered me something new. Thank you for making my sleepless nights a little less lonely. With all the “keep your head up high” and “you go girl” pep talks or should I say pep reads, I find myself wanting to spur on others to keep fighting the good fight! Hey that’s another thing I could travel and do. Sarah the traveling speaker! Man, I am just itching to spread my wings and fly aren’t I? I guess if getting up in front of tons of people and feeling a little out of my element will let me check off some dream list then sign me up!

The radiation therapy is starting to show up on my skin. I can see a slight color difference but luckily my skin hasn’t been feeling any of the symptoms. Please pray that the effects on my skin will be minimal and that the radiation won’t zap me of my energy.

Thank you to all my readers both near and far for taking time out of your day to think about me. I feel very special that I am in your thoughts and prayers.

Love Always,

Sarah

Day 233

2010-12-07T01:19:00.000-08:00

A Quick Update from Kirk....
We were surprised today that Sarah's nausea came back so quickly this time. We were just in the infusion clinic on Thursday and tonight on our way back from her radiation appointment it was all Sarah could do to not throw up in the car. She hates the fact that she has to have a vomit bag be her most important accessory. Needless to say I immediately called and arranged for her to go into the infusion clinic. What we were amazed by tonight was that even with getting a liter of fluid on Thursday as well as drinking lots of liquids throughout the weekend, Sarah was dehydrated yet again. Tonight Sarah had a liter and a half of fluid and her body just soaked it all up. She appeared to be really, really dry. How could that be even though she drinks lots of fluids? We are asking ourselves that very same question. We would like to see if possibly getting IV hydration every couple of days instead of once a week keeps her from getting nauseous. Well, for now the mystery continues. The good news is that on Thursday Sarah is going to see a sleep specialist at Swedish. Hopefully they will be able to get a plan going for Sarah so that she can get some much needed continuous sleep. As an added help, after today’s radiation session, Sarah met with the Nutritionist at SCCA. We are coming up with a plan that will hopefully help Sarah’s body keep weight on and help to ease the nausea.

Thanks for reading. You’re support is making a huge difference!

Kirk

Day 232

2010-12-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

God is good...
If you only receive one thing from Sarah’s Hope please let it be the knowledge that my hope is in God.

My morning started with me being so weak that I could barely lift my head. It is in our weakest moments where God shines. As I stood in my closet staring at clothes, my frustration turned to anger. I started yelling at the enemy for taking my strength away, my passion for life, and my ability to hold my head high. He has taken way too much from me to stand back and not fight. Let me tell you God and I put the enemy in his place…right under our heels. I am done with being so weak that the enemy of my soul doesn’t have to be worried about me. I don’t know why I screamed but I screamed for God to give me supernatural strength. I shook as I asked for God to strengthen every muscle, every bone, every inch of me. I am done with not being a threat to the enemy. I actually strive to be in the enemy’s sights every minute because if I’m not I am not being God’s hands and feet. Strive with me to keep the enemy on his toes. We are children of God and we have a great purpose in front of us.

After my outburst of anger and plea for strength I was overwhelmed by the love of my Heavenly Father. I was reminded of Psalm 139, “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” My Father knows me. He knew all the thoughts that came to my lips this morning even before I awoke. Psalm 139 verse 13, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Verse 16b “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” I don’t know about you but those words are new to me today. God knows me. He planned my life from the very beginning with the knowledge that I would suffer and still stand by Him. It gives me peace to know my every step is known; nothing is a surprise for Him. I am on the winning team…we are on the winning team! I was flooded with the knowledge of His love for me today. I wept tears of joy as I felt His presence filling my closet. I had a cry where a tissue just wasn’t going to cut it and I had grab for my bath towel to catch all the tears that fell from my cheeks. God and I met this morning. Not in church or after hours of prayer but in my closet. Where I have no armor on to shield me from the world; where I am real and vulnerable; where there is seriously no room for anybody else. In my closet is where God met me today and where He made me feel loved…from my inmost being to my outmost woman, I am loved by God.

Thank you for following this rollercoaster of a life. I am blessed to have you and I hope that my ah-ha moments touch you as well.

Love always,
Sarah

Day 231

2010-12-04T23:46:00.000-08:00

Can it get any worse?
Yes, I asked the question…can it get any worse? The inner woman knows the answer is yes but the outer woman who is not dealing with life so well at the moment is screaming out…why…why… oh why. Can you picture me cross legged, throwing my hands up in the air and sobbing like a three year old in the middle of the floor? You can’t? Well, I’ll have Kirk take a picture in 5 minutes. Better yet…a video! I’m seriously losing it! I wanted to think that I have been at my lowest point and I am only on the rise but these last couple weeks have sure knocked me for a loop. My days are running into each other and I feel like every minute is a dream. Did I just finish my seventh round of radiation or did I go to Maui and get sunburned? Are Kirk and I married or are we just roommates who see one another in passing? I’m pretty sure about the seventh treatment and the marriage thing but everything else is getting a bit hazy. My poor husband…what he must go through each day. I try to hold things together but really Kirk is the glue; without him I’d be lost in all this chaos. Kirk worries about me at work, after work and he has been known to wake up and check on me. God when all this is over give me the ability to buy him his dream guitar! Kirk deserves the best and I can tell you most days I’m not a slice of paradise but you know what? Kirk loves me just the same. What a man. I have the best husband and sorry but he doesn’t have any brothers. I am a blessed girl and I hope I remember that my bad days aren’t just mine but ours and I need to realize that Kirk is dealing with life right along with me. So when I ask can it get any worse…I know it could. I could be without my partner, my best friend, my husband. Thank you God that you have given me the gift of a constant love…from You and from my husband.

If you see my husband can you do me a favor? I don’t give him near enough the praise he deserves for being “Husband of the Year” so will you help me? I don’t expect you to give him hugs and kisses but if you see him please let him know he is amazing. It’s not hard to see how wonderful Kirk’s heart is so don’t hold back, let the guy know that the world sees what an amazing man he is and that we are all proud of him!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 230

2010-12-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

A Note From Kirk:
Sarah has been doing fairly well since starting radiation. Her skin has become a little red, but it hasn't caused her any discomfort so far. She still is having the weekly nausea, but now her new oncologist at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance has taken the reigns on that issue and has promised us that she will find the root of the problem. We have been absolutely thrilled with SCCA. They really show how much they care about their patients. It also very nice to see that they don't do the same "cookie cutter" treatments for every patient. Being partnered with the UW, they are constantly looking at all of Sarah's problems/concerns on a case by case basis. Never once have they done something just because that's the way its done. They are always on the leading edge of all the available treatments. I cannot tell you how much peace of mind it gives me to know that my wife's care is in the hands of some of the best doctors in the field of cancer.

Sarah is in the infusion clinic tonight getting her weekly fix of IV fluids, anti-nausea meds, and pain meds. She has not been sleeping almost at all, so I hope that all these IV meds make her drowsy enough to get a full night's sleep. We are very hopeful that Sarah's oncologist Dr. Korde will find a solution to all the nausea and maybe with some relief from that, normalcy for Sarah will start to return. I am very excited that this is the last month of this so far arduous year. Sarah will be done with radiation on January 5th and that marks the end of all the "tough" stuff. Once radiation is completed, Sarah will have 6 about months off and then begin all of her reconstructive surgery. I don't know about Sarah, but for me her reconstruction process doesn't feel like a negative. It is restoring and not taking something away from my sweet girl.

It has been really difficult to get into the habit of going to Seattle five days a week for Sarah's radiation treatments. With Sarah's exhaustion due to lack of sleep, Seattle every day has just added alot to her plate. For the next five weeks she will just feel like she is constantly playing catch up.

Please pray for Sarah over the next five weeks. She desperately needs rest in order to cope with this incredibly busy radiation schedule. For about two weeks she has only been sleeping about two to three hours a night and maybe only ten minutes at a atime after that. Not fun, and leading to extreme exhaustion for her. Her smiles are always there but with no sleep I can see the energy fading that it takes too keep up that beautiful smile.

Thanks for supporting my girl,

Kirk

Prayer Request...

2010-11-30T14:09:00.000-08:00

Please pray for Sarah. She is not sleeping. This morning when I woke up she had only been asleep for under 3 hours and was wide awake when I left the house. If she doesn't find a sleep aid soon as the effects of radiation continue, I worry about her mind and body. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she fights her sleepless days and nights. Sarah joked with her doctor yesterday if she could be prescribed a baseball bat to knock her out! My wife is getting desperate but always seems to keep her smile going...I love that about her.

Thank you for your continued support.
-Kirk

Day 229

2010-11-30T12:18:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving…
I am writing to you at 2 in the morning. I am having trouble sleeping…again. Yesterday I was up until 4am and Kirk’s alarm clock went off at 6. Can you guess that at radiation today I was a walking zombie? I probably wasn’t all that pleasant either but lack of sleep, nausea and a splitting headache will do that to the best of us right? I hope so or I’m in trouble. Radiation went just fine today. I’m thinking about buying my own gown that actually fits. Each day as I desperately hold tight to my clothes, purse and gown as I walk from the dressing rooms to the radiation “vault”, I have almost flashed unsuspecting patients, technicians and doctors. I don’t want to spend my Christmas and New Year in jail for indecent exposure! They will call me Sassy McFlasherson! Alright the hour is not making me sleepy just silly! After radiation I lucked out and got an appointment with my oncologist! She will be taking on the challenge of my ongoing nausea and dizziness. She prescribed some new meds and although I have to get used to taking meds around the clock again I have hope in the new approach. I am looking forward to the day when all this is a memory and I can do something good with this experience but I’m struggling at this very moment. This last week I was reminded to be thankful. I have to admit I‘ve been wrestling with the thought of being thankful for everything. In Thessalonians it says “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Please know that I am so thankful for what God has given me through all of you and others but still I struggle with being thankful for everything. In the end of each storm I travel through I can see the good that has been done and the lessons I have learned so I guess I must wait out the ongoing storms to see His perfect plan. And I know that takes faith…a heaping helping of faith. Press on Sarah, press on! God has not gone! He walks beside you and is with you as you write these words. He would never leave His precious daughter in her darkest hours. You are His princess and as such you are under the protection of His wings. Those words are of the Holy Spirit who lives in me. God spurs me on to see past the present and look to the horizon for the future! I must be thankful in everything for God has my best interest in mind. Kirk and I are living proof that God loves His people. We have been very blessed over the past 8 months and I see the blessings sprinkled through our lives…alright in our case the blessings have been like a supersoaker wetting us down from head to toe but doesn’t that just make you smile? God loves His children so much that in most cases He doesn’t give us the minimum but He will surround us with love and provision! So be thankful in everything, even when the whole picture is not known for God knows and trust me when I say we are all in good hands.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Love Always,

Sarah

Day 228

2010-11-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

Busy Bee...
This week Sarah has been quite the busy bee with things on her plate. Some of them fun, but some of them not so fun. Wednesday Sarah had her second radiation treatment. Sarah has not noticed any effects of radiation, but most of those effects, like fatigue and skin redness, will start showing after a couple of weeks. Later in the evening on Wednesday, there was a youth event at our church. There was a concert which I was playing guitar for and Sarah sang backup vocals. It was kind of a big deal for her to do but she feels as though God wants her to start singing more and more. It was a great opportunity for her and she was up on stage with me lookin' like a rockstar. She had alot of fun.We will post some pictures of it as soon as our friend sends them to us.

On Thanksgiving, Sarah cooked her two signature Thanksgiving things: green bean casserole and special cranberry sauce with apples (it is delicious...let me tell you). At noon we headed to my parents house for the day. All of my dad's family was there and we had a great time just talking and spending time together. As you all know, Sarah is learning to play the violin. So, this year we had Grandpa Lien show Sarah a few things that might help her in her learning. Grandpa Lien plays beautifully, and as you also know it is one of his violins from the '40s that she is priveliged to learn on. We ended the evening with one of Sarah's favorite traditions. Everyone gets together in a circle and says what they are thankful for and why. Sarah said that she was thankful that God always has a plan and can always make good out of a horrible situation. I said I was thankful that Sarah is cancer-free and that I now have a job that I absolutely love. It was a really great opportunity to hear thankfullness from everyone's perspective.The day ended however on kind of a downer for my sweet wife. She was feeling nauseous yet again.

This morning, hoping that her nausea had gotten a little better, Sarah and I went to Fred Meyer at 5AM for another one of Sarah's favorite Thanksgiving traditions: getting black Friday half price socks. I know what you're thinking, "Socks???" but Sarah absolutely loves getting half price socks on black Friday. She does it every year. After Sarah almost fell over twice in the store from dizziness, I decided I had better get her home to get some more much needed sleep. When we got home, we jumped in bed, slept for a few more hours, woke up, and went to Sarah's doctor to see about her nausea. Unfortunately, we are not coming up with a solution other than IV hydration and anti-nausea medication. So here we are at the infusion clinic once again. Sarah was especially bummed to be here tonight because we had to miss out on a second thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle. However, when Sarah isn't able to make it to a party, one way or another the party always comes to her. My mom, dad, aunt, uncle, and cousin all came to visit us at the infusion clinic and stayed for a couple of hours. It was so nice of them to come and we are very thankful for great family!

While we are here in the clinic, it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves, but tonight we are thinking of our good family friend who has been in critical care since Thursday night. Our hearts go out to both he and his wife. We have been praying for a speedy recovery for him and hope you will pray for him too.

Now that Sarah has more and more energy, Ellice and her are picking up where they left off and starting back up there baby hat making business called Emalene. Sarah is so excited and is more driven than I have seen her in months. My cousin Kristy actually bought the first hat on Thanksgiving to give to her friend's new baby. If you don't remember the specifics, Sarah and Ellice will be hand crocheting baby hats to sell on Etsy.com. 50% of the sale of every hat will be going towards charities that support the African nations. Whether it be children, animals, or wells for villages, Sarah and Ellice just have a heart for that area. Sarah is excited to have something to put some time and energy into and is excited to see where it goes.

Thanks for all your prayers and support. We hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.

-Kirk

Day 227

2010-11-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

Holy cow what a day…
In anticipation for radiation I couldn’t get myself to sleep last night even though I had enough medication in my body to knock out an elephant! My brain just wouldn’t settle down. I’m told that radiation is a cinch compared to everything else I’ve been through but the thoughts of the unknown were lingering. I didn’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning and the second that Kirk left for work and I was alone my mind started up again with the what ifs. I bet everyone’s mind does this every now and then but there are some of us that have had this “what if” question twirling around in our heads since Kindergarten. Consider yourself blessed if you are a low key, go with the flow person because being passionate and willful about everything can be draining at times…a lot of times.

When I finally gave up on trying to fall back asleep this morning, I turned to a book in hopes of occupying my thoughts…it worked…only for a short time but still, I had a break! Next I turned to my stretches. I hate my stretches. All these exercises do is remind me that I have poor mobility in my arms and I just get frustrated and end up pushing myself too hard and being sore for days. I know, it’s my own fault and I can’t seem to get it in my head that the road to recovery isn’t a race track and it takes time. Kirk luckily came home from work just in time to save me from over doing it. We were on the road soon thereafter to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.

Kirk checked me in, we sat down in the waiting area, and I closed my eyes and imagined my Maui beach in all its tranquility. I was just enjoying burying my toes in the hot sand when I heard “Mrs. Lien?” My beach will just have to wait. I was led to the back rooms where I changed into the ‘one size fits none’ gown and then I entered the radiation room. The walls and door on this room are thick so no radiation escapes and hits anyone…but what about me? What is this radiation stuff really doing to my body? The “what ifs” started up again. First the technicians did X-rays then they drew all over my neck to my waist and numbered each section 1-5. They are radiating 5 sections so it took what felt like forever to even start the first session. The whole time I was getting prepped, X-rayed, and then radiated, my arms had to be over my head. Holding my arms above my head was pretty difficult due to the surgeries and scar tissue, so it was pretty much agony at the last half. Thankfully normal days will only take 10-15 minutes. After my session Kirk joined me in one of the back offices and we were educated on how to care for my skin during the process; special aloe 3 times a day, no deodorant on my right side, fragrance-free soaps and lotions, no sun exposure, no shaving with a regular razor and no wearing underwire bras. That last one I’ve got covered because bras went out the window months ago! I’ll never go back! We left a little overloaded with information and 27 pre-scheduled radiation days and times, but overall it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was told that I won’t start feeling the effects of the radiation for at least 2 weeks so I’m grateful for that. Please keep Kirk and me in your prayers as the rest of this year will be crazy busy with radiation, physical therapy, infusion trips and of course the holidays.

Thank you to those who sent me comments and texts about prayer during my appointment today. I feel loved by so many and it truly makes a difference.

Love Always,
Sarah

Radiation...

2010-11-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

We are at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance right now for Sarah's first radiation appointment. She is very nervous and we could really use some prayer right now. Please pray for peace for Sarah as she goes through this last phase of her treatment.

Kirk

Day 226

2010-11-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

A Note From Sarah:
I am stepping out of my comfort zone again. I was stirred to sing for a youth outreach that is at our church. Kirk has been having practices so I know all the music and volunteered to sing. I’m a little nervous since the last time I sang in public was in high school and that was so I could get Kirk’s attention…it didn’t work by the way…he played hard to get but I got him in the end! After morning worship we had a really long practice and after all that singing I needed to drink some tea and use sign language for the rest of the evening. On stage Kirk and I are right next to each other; him with his guitars and me with my microphone. We are like rock stars! Okay the ‘stage’ might be going to my head but what can I say… the limelight can be fun. God is nudging me in new directions and although I don’t feel completely prepared I take the steps anyways. If God is nudging then He will equip me with everything I need. Last week it was violin, this week it is singing, who knows what’s coming for me next. All I have to say is God keeps it interesting.

I have Roman again tonight. I thought we would try a sleep over again since last week I ended up in the infusion clinic and wasn’t able to be the fun Auntie for that long. The moment Roman stepped foot in my door he was running full force waiting for someone to chase him. Of course we played tag, hide and seek, funny faces and tickle fights for hours. Our fun suddenly came to a screeching halt when there was a funny odor in the air…you guessed it…dirty diaper! Without missing a beat Kirk yells “It’s all you babe, I just can’t”. He is such a baby about baby poop. Kirk says he will be different with our babies but somehow I think I’ll get stuck with diaper duty. However, after the long wait for us to be able to have kids I don’t think I’ll mind. Roman is just now nodding off wrapped up in Uncle Kirk’s arms. It is sweet to see them snuggled up together. I can’t wait to have my four babies and spending time with Roman is soothing to my longing heart. Thank you Bethany for letting me have precious time with your precious baby boy.

I thank each and every one of you for thinking of me today. Writing to you has become so important to me. My blog is my diary and it helps me vent, process and gush about life. Since you are reading this you are an important part of my life. Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement…you really brighten up my world.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 225

2010-11-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

Letting Go...
I am about to face another mountain. Am I all smiles as I pick up my rope, carabineers and pull on my hiking boots? Not remotely. Radiation is the next item on the agenda so while I gear up for the 5 days a week for 6 weeks adventure please pray that I don’t lose it. I’m told I’m in the home stretch but it sure doesn’t feel like it. I’ve missed out on so much due to cancer and I’m not happy about it! I’m actually quite mad about it! Today as I was chilled to the bone by the nip in the air, I realized I missed out on Spring, Summer and most of Fall because I’ve been sick. I long to be warmed by the sun while I sip on iced tea but I have been forced to bundle up for Winter instead. The effects of cancer during Winter are horrible. Because of my relentless nausea I have lost weight so I am shivering and layering with no end in sight. My head is freezing and to be completely honest with you while I am writing this I have a heating pad on my head. You can imagine that I am quite a sight; bundled up in sweatshirts and blankets with the heating pad around my head. On a lighter note since it is Winter maybe I can stop shaving my leg hair that has started to grow back…..my excuse will be I need extra warmth….not working for you? I don’t think it will work out for Kirk either. Back to the radiation topic…I start my treatment on Tuesday afternoon and have to come back the next day for more. The Thanksgiving weekend I’m off the hook but then Monday will start the 5 days a week schedule. This will be killer on the mileage for my poor Jetta. Seattle every day until the end of the year will definitely put a dent in her resale value but I gotta do what I gotta do. I’ll be asking for gas cards for Christmas! Each treatment is less than 10 minutes but with each treatment my symptoms will get worse. A sunburn in the middle of winter would be okay if it was from a beach in Hawaii but from a machine in a cold room with me in a hospital gown is not what I’ll be looking forward to. I have had about enough of cancer treatment but it is nearing the finish line. I think after all this I need another trip to my happy place…Maui….Kirk honey, are you reading this? I’ll go to bed dreaming of sunshine, beaches and a red convertible mustang tonight.

Even though I am facing another mountain I give it to God. I can’t control something like radiation so my only option is to let it go and give it up to God. God will sustain me. He sustains my strength and my ability to smile. Without God I would be nothing. He is my strength and my song!

He will redeem my soul in peace from the

battle which is against me.

Psalm 55:18

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 224

2010-11-17T22:17:00.000-08:00

Only God could love a crazy woman like me...
Can someone just lock me up and throw away the key? For whose sake you may ask? Well, mostly for Kirk’s protection, but by the way I have been feeling and acting it might just be better if I was locked away from everyone. I can’t control my emotions. One minute I’m as high as a kite thinking about all my goals and the things I want to accomplish and the next minute I’m thinking even if I had 100 years I still couldn’t get everything done. Dwelling on everything that is holding me back, is not a positive way to spend the day, however that was my Wednesday. I was always…always told if I put my mind to it I could do anything but is that really true? My heart seems to think time doesn’t exist, money isn’t an object, and that my body is in tip top shape. My heart has so many big dreams that when another day passes and I’m still in the same place as yesterday I want to shake myself and say “You are dreaming too big for your own good. Dream something tangible so you don’t get disappointed”. God knows my heart and He puts things there to hold tight to and God is never wrong so I wait. I wait for the Lord to rain fulfilled promises over me. When I said “I do” I wanted a simple life. To travel, buy a house, have kids, get a dog and to grow old with the one I love. I guess that was too simple a life for me so God started adding things to my list of heart’s desires. Now it has gotten complicated and I don’t know where to turn so Kirk and I can move forward. I feel like I’m lost in life. What am I to do with my experience with breast cancer? Do I write a book? Go to every support group there is hoping to witness to those who are hurting? Do I become a counselor? What am I supposed to do with it? I’m lost. God has been with me and is with me even as I write this but while He is with me I am lost. I am lost but not alone which does give me comfort. I need a glance into the future just to know where Kirk and I should be headed. Should we get partnered up with a ministry in the U.S.? Should we step onto a plane to Africa and see what happens? Should I start speaking to any group that will listen? I want to be used for amazing things and I believe that God will keep His words to me but I am only human and time sure slows down once you are waiting for a promise to be fulfilled.

I took a step of faith this week and waded out in the water. I started having this intense desire to play the cello after Kirk and I got married. I want to have faith that this dream isn’t a passing whim but that God wants to use the cello so I can praise Him. The cello is a hard instrument to get my hands on so I’m starting with what our family has….a violin…Grandpa Lien’s violin. This violin has traveled the country with Grandpa and played many songs full of joy and praise and I am honored that it is resting in my hands. I took the steps of faith to get it freshened up, new strings, a new bow and prayed over both myself and the violin for miracles. The first note was shaky and didn’t sound the greatest but I kept on going. I kept on going until my eyes filled with tears and my arm sank to my side. My dream was right in front of me and I couldn’t play. Heaven help our neighbor’s ears. I laid everything down and cried. Nothing could stop the failure I felt. I felt stupid for not knowing what to do. I was embarrassed that anyone heard me. I ran to my room like a child and buried my face in my pillow and sobbed. That moment wasn’t only about my inability to play the violin, but about many other dreams that I have crumpled up and thrown away only to come back and smooth out their creases. So quickly I give up when things don’t go as I thought they would. I forget that amazing miracles can take time and walking in faith will make my Heavenly Father proud. So… sorry neighbors, I’m picking my violin back up, putting in my ear plugs and stepping out of the boat onto the water towards Jesus.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 223

2010-11-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

Frustration takes its toll…
Sarah was just in the infusion clinic on Friday and we were back again Monday. After Friday in the clinic, Sarah felt pretty good, but then on Saturday there was a surprise birthday party for her mom in Lynnwood. To keep the surprise alive, Sarah took on bringing all the supplies and setting everything up. When she feels so good she wants to do…do…do, but then pays for it big time the next day. This of course makes her feel like she is trapped in an 80 year old’s body. On Sunday, she was so sore from all the work she did Saturday night, and even though she probably shouldn’t have, she agreed to take baby Ro-Ro overnight. Because she had overdone it so much, Sarah’s nausea hit hard again Sunday night. So here she is all sore, watching a baby, and handing him off to me so she could go throw up. Doesn’t that just sound like a lot? Sarah is so determined to not let cancer hold her back that sometimes she admittedly does way more than she should. In the past I have tried to stop her from doing so much, but that has proven to be worse. It’s a mistake because all the doing makes her feel so good mentally and emotionally and not doing the things that bring her joy, leads to frustration and depression. On the other hand it is equally as frustrating and depressing to be constantly nauseous. When you are throwing up for two out of three days, out of control emotions definitely creep in. Sarah just wants to be able to move on and live a normal life again. We both do. This time of cancer has taught us many invaluable things, but it has also at times pushed us to the edge of insanity. No one should ever have to deal with this much pressure and stress so we feel for others who are walking this road as well. The blessing however has been that through this incredibly rough time, we have never felt alone. We have had wonderful family support but most of all we have felt God’s presence walking with us every step. I won’t say that it has been easy to stay positive, but as you all know Sarah especially has been quite a testimony of having a great attitude in the midst of great hardship. She gets hit every day from the effects of cancer and she only lets it daze her for a short time then she is back in the ring for more. She is my fighter girl and for that, I am truly, truly proud of her.

I hope that this nausea will cease very soon. It is becoming more than Sarah can handle and this would be our biggest prayer request. My Sarah is desperate to consistently feel better and I am equally as desperate to see her be able to be herself again.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!
Kirk

Day 222

2010-11-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

What a swing from Wednesday…
As you already read, Sarah was doing so great on Wednesday only to have her nausea creep back up on Thursday. So, here we are at the infusion clinic getting Sarah all fixed up for the next week. We are hearing more and more that some people just have these symptoms for multiple months while their body is trying to get rid of all the residual chemo drugs left behind. I hope that with time the nausea, dizziness, and headaches will just lessen in intensity and eventually completely fade away.

I am so proud of my sweet Sarah. She has not let any of this cramp her style. The minute she is feeling great she is back to being Ms. Independent. She loves driving and Wednesday was such a great day for her. The blog over the last few days really indicates how well Sarah was feeling. I love when she gets a feeling of something God wants her to share and she just puts it out there for all of you to read. I hope some of what Sarah has shared about what she is learning in her life has meant something to you her readers I know it has meant a lot to me.

As the next step of her battle with cancer nears, please keep Sarah in your prayers. We have heard that radiation can be simple compared to all the other treatments and surgeries, but we’ve also heard that radiation can be quite the burden to bear as well. No one really knows exactly how her body will handle it, but either way five days a week, for six weeks, in Seattle already sounds overwhelming.

Now that we are home, Sarah is feeling much better. We are thankful that God has helped us find a temporary cure for Sarah’s symptoms. It is very nice having something that keeps her going.

Kirk

Day 221

2010-11-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Free as a bird...
I was free today! No feeling sick, no feelings of weakness, my emotions are in check (that’s a rare thing indeed) and I busted out of the apartment with nothing holding me back! So what did I do with my freedom you may ask? I drove my Jetta. That may not sound very exciting to you but it was a thrill for me. I haven’t been alone in my car for so very long and my car missed me I could tell. No one drives her like I do. I know her strengths and weaknesses and when we are a pair we shine. Kirk has no ‘connection’ with my Jetta so when she has a little hiccup he raises his voice at her and I have to stand up in defense for she has no voice. Not driving for months at a time will sure make the roads feel a bit wild. I must have caused a back up trying to get on Highway 2 this morning; I was so cautious and I felt like an ostrich stretching out my neck as far as it would go for the perfect moment for me to squeeze in. As soon as I entered a major highway it all started coming back…my hands loosed their python grip on the steering wheel, I remembered I had mirrors and gave my neck a break, and then out came the country music! Not listening to the radio for months will make every song an adventure and I belted out the ol’ familiar ones…sorry if I distracted any of you while you were enjoying your morning commute but I was having a ball. I felt extra special today because I was asked to take a friend to an appointment. I can’t tell you how much my heart needed to feel needed. I was excited to give something back to society and I hope my ability to give back more is just around the corner. Thanks Julia for a fun morning of chit chat and laughter! After I dropped Julia off I couldn’t just go back home. I had just started to fly again and everything seems new and different and I had the strength to go on! Kirk’s work was just a few minutes away so off I went to see his new office. I’m always amazed by everything he knows. If you don’t know, Kirk is a Network Tech with knowledge about computers that I can’t even begin to understand. He showed off his big computer screen, I met a few co-workers, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye. I was off again….what other trouble could I get into? Trouble makers…hmmm…oh I knew who to call if I wanted some trouble….my dad. He’s always up to something. Sure enough… I met him at his work, followed him home, and spent most of the day with him. He kept me busy at his house and then running to an appointment with him. By the time I got back to my car I was ready to call it a day. Kirk would be getting off work so I thought I could beat him home and meet him at the door with hugs and kisses. Now I am just writing on my not so private diary and going to settle in for a good movie with the man I love.

Thanks for all the prayers for strength and health. God answers the call of His children…I am walking proof! Thank you Lord. Here’s to another good day!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 220

2010-11-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

A Note From Sarah:
I have been feeling so energized these last couple days as you may be able to tell by my recent posts. God is challenging my thinking and He is just spilling out of my lips and out of my heart. I’m sorry to say I’m awaiting the backlash from the enemy for my wonderful ‘energetic, Ah-Ha’ last couple days but please pray that God will fight that battle for me and I don’t have to stand at the front lines like I have so many times. I hope you are finding God as I have been.

Today I spent the day at my parent’s house with my nephew Roman learning new things and exploring the unfamiliar. As he started on his breakfast we made funny faces and fed each other the dried fruit I had dehydrated last week. I’ve become quite the Suzy Home Maker since being locked up indoors for so long. Roman enjoys all the yummy snacks Auntie makes for him…I bet his mom and dad wouldn’t like the bits of cookies and ice cream I sneak in but what’s an auntie to do when he gives the ‘Roman face’? We played a version of tag and hide and seek, it was a mixture of both the games and it made it double the fun. I’m so happy to have the energy to keep up with the little monkey! In the middle of what seemed like the 100th time hiding behind the couch, Roman grabbed his blanket and let out a yawn. I scooped him up and downstairs we went for the classic nap movies. He picked out the most interesting box and snuggled in next to me. What a joy it is being this little baby’s auntie. I’m so proud of everything he does and I know it is because my baby sister is such a good mommy. Way to go Bets for having such a sweet Prince to call your own!

I’m switching gears so get ready for the change into another episode of “An Insider’s Look Into the Mind of Sarah Lien”. I’m starting out really cheesy so please forgive me but I watched a movie about a Disney Princess and ‘Happily Ever Afters’. I watched Mulan for nap time and it just about broke my heart. If you are not familiar with the movie it is about a girl who only wants to bring her family honor but she doesn’t fit in the perfect mold of what it normally implies. The main song is entitled ‘Reflections’. She sings “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know? When will my reflection show who I am inside?” Those words really hit a tender note in my heart. How can a Disney movie bring me to my emotional knees? I grew up wanting to be a Disney princess (and really who’s to say that I’m not…) so I am a sucker for these chest clenching songs but come on I’m 25 years old so I need to get a grip. Right? Maybe not because those words do ring true for me. I do stand in front of the mirror some days, most days, and not recognize who is staring back at me. I look completely different than I did this time last year. I had long hair, good color in my now tired cheeks, a sassy figure and an attitude to match. I had all the hopes in the world and I desperately wanted to start a family while traveling the world and never thinking my whole world would do a nose dive into an unfamiliar and frightening place. I can’t help but remember what my body used to look like. Do you want to know what I see when I look into the mirror? I see seven scars, four tattoo marks, a black and blue arm from IV needles, an un-natural chest that some days makes me cringe, cracks in my fingernails, pale skin, short hair, skinny arms and legs where muscle used to be and when I look into that mirror I see hollow, exhausted eyes staring back at me. You may not see those things when you see me but I am around “cancer Sarah” a lot these days and that is who I see in the mirror. Please look back at the words from the song before you shut your computer screens off and quickly call Kirk to make sure I’m not alone. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know? When will my reflection show who I am inside?” Who I see in the mirror is not always how I feel inside. That is the frustrating part! I have the desire to soar like the eagles! Hold my head up high and live each day with excitement for what comes next! Deep down I know I am beautiful in God’s eyes and I know I am beautiful in Kirk’s eyes also, Kirk tells me every morning and night but it somehow gets lost in all the other junk my mind is thinking. So when I look in the mirror and see a stranger my confidence level drops and I feel pain but the “Real Sarah” who is in here itching to be seen fights for me every day to remember who I am and who I am going to be. This is just a season that won’t last forever so I need to keep holding my head up above the water and trust that God knows what He is accomplishing in this time. And while I have an audience I will get up on my soap box and proclaim the wonders that He is doing in my life in the midst of this storm.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

This is my season to shine in a new and different way! Thank you for being a part of my life and for the support you give. I am always amazed.

Love Always,
Sarah

This was me in March, just before I started my battle against cancer. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, this is what I expect to see.

Day 219

2010-11-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

What do you want?
In the gospel of John the first words that are recorded from the lips of Jesus Christ are “What do you want?” I have been toiling over that question for a while and still I don’t have a true answer. I asked Kirk last night while we were driving home and he was puzzled for an answer as well. What do you want? Can you give an answer right away or do you have to really think about it? I guess if the question is coming from God I would expect my heart and mind to ponder before I spoke. Don’t you think? I mean if the question "What do you want?" was coming from my mom I would say “more yarn please, I’m almost out”. And my dad I would say “I’m craving your curry dinner, Daddy”. And to Kirk I wouldn’t miss a beat and shout with excitement “I want to go on vacation with you”. But what kind of answer would I give God? He already knows the desires of my heart and isn’t it silly that I can’t come up with a simple answer. I’m desperate for so many things and I can’t come up with an answer. Tell me this doesn’t have anything to do with having Chemo-brain! Would you be taken aback by this simple question too? Beth Moore puts it in a way that I can better wrap my head around, “What is that One thing that would make your life complete?” You know maybe it’s not so simple after all. I am a woman, even if cancer is trying to make me less of one, and with being a woman I think I complicate the simplest of things. Okay sisters I’m not trying to give up ground here to the men but girls we do this! (Sorry men who are joining Sarah’s Hope today, I’m just needing to band with my sisters at this moment.) If God were to be sitting across from me at my table and say “Sarah, what is it that you want? Just ask of your Father.” Just thinking about the scene makes me get butterflies down in my belly. Does He want a life changing answer like "I want all the promises that you have given me to come to pass" Or does He want a selfless answer like "world peace and the end of world hunger?" Could it be so simple as "Lord, I want to feel beautiful again?" I think it can be all those answers on different occasions. When we go to the Lord each day don’t you think He meets us at that place and says “Child, what can I do for you today?” God knows me and my answer will be different each and every day: strength, wisdom, a child, the spiritual gift of music, no nausea, for my scars to fade, for my marriage to never stop growing, the opportunity to travel, for emotional pain to be washed away. The list is endless and I hope I never stop coming to God with what I need for He is the only one who can truly satisfy my desires.

I am sitting in my living room wishing that I could be living my life instead of watching life go on without me through my windows. I know, I know I’ve been told numerous times this is a time for healing and rest but somehow I can’t settle on healing and rest being the only things that God will use me for in this time. I want my life to start! Can anyone blame me? I’ve been cooped up since March only having my good days being few and far apart. God has put such a fire in my soul to serve people not only here but in Africa, Australia, Europe and basically everywhere else but in my apartment. My mamma Lien shared a sermon from Israel Houghton and the message was "We are already sitting in the middle of his increase (blessing)". As I think about what Israel is saying I look around and I do see blessing all around me! I have a roof over my head, a "cancer free" bill of health, a husband who adores me, friends who support me and a family that would cross oceans for me. So if God asked me “Sarah, what is it that you want?” I’d be stumped again because I am sitting in the middle of His plan for my life. For as I sit in my confining apartment aching to spread my cramped wings and fly I am doing exactly what God wants me to do at this very point in my life. I am writing a blog, I am spending time with my family, I am having alone time with God, I am messing around with yarn and I am finding out what really matters in life. So when I think back to Beth Moore’s question, “What is that One thing that would make your life complete?” I would have to say I already have it but can I have more? Wouldn’t it make God smile ear to ear to ask his children “What do you want?” and for us to smile and say “more of you Father, just more of you”.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 218

2010-11-07T14:27:00.001-08:00

My Sunday Morning…or should I say our Sunday morning…just God’s and mine.
Kirk went to church this morning even though he wasn’t feeling well. It takes a lot for Kirk to not play for worship; that is his sacred time with God and a cold wouldn’t hold my Kirk back. Kirk said I wasn’t going to church because he didn’t want me to strain myself more and I am so happy I stayed home to have “church service” in my bedroom. I started my day with Jesus. Is there any better way to start your day? Absolutely not! I received such a pouring out of God’s love and compassion this morning. When I am weak why isn’t my first thought to go right to praising Him? That is something I am trying to change.

I spent some of my morning with Beth Moore saying “Amen, sister” and losing ourselves in the Word. Her message was to Guard our Hearts. “Let us fix our eyes upon him.” Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Our hearts are fountains from which emotions burst! Beth said you can’t have a heart that is dry, barren and empty. I believe this. I believe we can feel barren, but in our hearts it is not barren and desolate; we are only hurting for the One we love to come and transform our hurt and loneliness into a joyful love song. Whatever our hearts are feeling we are “spraying” those feeling on others. Beth said to picture our hearts as fountains. Luke 6:45 says, “For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks.” Our hearts affect every aspect of our lives. If we have a bitter heart we will spray bitterness on those around us. If we have an angry heart we will spray anger on those around us. But if we have a joyful heart we will spread that joy around like a wild fire. I don’t know what your heart is spraying on others but I have to admit I haven’t been “blessing” others lately. I’ve had a tired heart, a sad heart, a hurting heart and a frustrated heart. I also have to admit that I have had a fake heart. I fake my emotions to many, to hopefully hide the real pain that I am feeling. Maybe I do it to trick myself or to make all of you think I am some kind of super hero that doesn’t fall down and need God to pick me back up. But please know if God was not with me I wouldn’t still be here fighting. If I have had a fake heart, and I know I have, I have been spreading “fakeness” around to those around me and I am deeply sorry. My hope is that my heart will change. My hope is that my heart will be filled with passion, happiness, joy, and love. I will be praying that God controls my heart and scoops out all the muck and replaces it with what is in His own heart. After I meditated on what I had heard from Beth Moore I had to have more. Beth Moore will do that to you, she gives you a taste of the goodness and awesomeness of God and you go searching for more of the only one who can quench our thirst and satisfy our hunger. All I can say is that I wanted more.

Kirk has these crazy man headphones that block out all other noise and just about pop your eyes out of your head when at full volume but I have come to be inseparable with them. I was listening to Jesus Culture in my bedroom with these crazy man headphones and when all other noise is cancelled out and it can be just God and me singing love songs to one another it seriously takes my breath away. The song that really hit my heart is Your Love Never Fails, His love never ever fails me and never ever will fail me. Another line that made me grab my chest is You make all things work together for my good, you make all things work together for my good, you make all things work together for my good. As I grabbed my chest I felt the absence of my breasts, the pain that still lingers to the touch and the scars that are so visible….but in this time that I felt what had been taken away from me and what I am left with, I knew that those words Your love never fails and You make all things work together for my good were for me at that very moment. I’m not the same when I spend time with my God. My heart is soothed by His words of goodness and passion for me. I challenge you to spend some time with God praising him, not thinking about who else can hear you but push everything else aside and just love on Him. That’s all He wants from us. He wants us to set everything that takes us away from Him and say “Father none of this matters to me if you aren’t in it, I set it aside to spend time falling back in love with you.” I have God bumps all over me and His arms are holding me comforting me telling me “Sarah, I love you daughter”. My eyes are flowing with tears of joy and thanksgiving. I am so grateful to have a God that will do something good with the horrible things that I have had to face. God is nothing but good and glorious and I believe with all my heart that He is with me catching my every tear and holding me as I cry and He will punish the enemy that much more for me. Injustice won’t stand unpunished.

Exodus 33:18 Exodus 34:5-6a,8

Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.” And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence.

Then the Lord came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the Lord. And He passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished.” Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 217

2010-11-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

More Sickness...
Sarah and I are both home sick this weekend. I can't believe that on top of everything we have going we had to get sick but, we did. Sore throats, cold sweats, clammy palms, headaches, you name it we've got it. I think it is mostly due to the fact over the past week we have not been able to get very much sleep. This whole week Sarah was dealing with so much pain from her fill that she would wake up every half hour; frustrating to say the least. On Thursday night Sarah got really, really nauseous so we only got about three hours of sleep leading up to Sarah’s big day of appointments on Friday.

Friday was quite the long day to say the least. First we didn’t get very much sleep and then to top it all off Sarah’s nausea snuck up really fast Thursday night. I called Sarah’s primary care doctor first thing and asked him to send in the orders for Sarah to go to the infusion clinic so we could get Sarah feeling better as soon as we returned from Seattle. Our day started at 9 AM at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for Sarah’s first physical therapy appointment. The appointment went really well but Sarah came out of it feeling even more nauseous than before. Sarah was telling me that she wasn’t going to make it to the infusion clinic later that day, but needed one of her doctors in Seattle to help her get fluids and anti-nausea meds. On that note we headed for her next appointment at UW. Sarah was there to have her expanders drained to prepare for radiation. When we arrived they got right into their ER and Sarah was on her way to feeling better. Because of the ER visit we were a little late arriving back at SCCA for Sarah’s radiation prep but they got everything done none the less. Because we were late getting there we obviously late leaving so it was traffic, traffic, traffic, coming home from Seattle to Snohomish. By the time the day was all said and done, we were both completely exhausted. It is not fun being sick on top of all this, but we are hoping to feel better soon.

Please pray that Sarah and I will start feeling better soon so that we have the strength to get through this last bit of Sarah’s journey.

Kirk

Day 216

2010-11-05T01:32:00.000-07:00

Update:
Please keep us in your prayers. Sarah was feeling pretty well, but then tonight at about 9:00 all of a sudden nausea hit. Sarah is feeling sick in other ways so I kind of think she might have a bug, but who knows. Also, tomorrow will be quite the long day. We start in the early morning at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for Sarah’s first physical therapy appointment. Sarah is going to be working to get more range of motion in her arms. After that we go over to UW where Sarah will have her expanders completely deflated to prepare for radiation. Then, will be heading back over to SCCA for Sarah’s initial radiation prep appointment. It is going to be a long day and with Sarah not feeling well, I am sure it will be extra challenging. We will most likely end the day in the infusion clinic so Sarah can get fluids as well as anti-nausea and pain meds to help her feel better. To keep her mind off of all the pain and nausea Sarah has been making baby hats like a mother expecting octuplets. I don’t know how well it is working, but I have been praying that God would bring her some relief.

Thanks for all your prayers.
Kirk

Day 215

2010-11-03T00:18:00.001-07:00

A note From Kirk:
Today Sarah had a few different appointments and I need to share with you how they went. At 11:00 she had an appointment with her radiologist to talk about her upcoming radiation treatments. Sarah will be getting all of her prep work done on Friday which includes radiation tattoos, making an upper body mold to hold her still during treatments, and a preliminary CT scan. Once all of that prep work is done, Sarah will start radiation about a week and a half later and will receive radiation treatments five days a week for six weeks. They told her all the risks, all the possible side effects, and everything she should expect over the next two months. I know all of this is probably weighing heavy on her mind but I am very excited for Sarah to get this radiation over with so she can move on and be done with all of her cancer treatment!

Because Sarah has had this continuing cycle of nausea and dizziness one of the tests her doctor wanted to do was an upper endoscopy to look at the upper end of her gastro-intestinal system. She finally had that test today at 2:00. The good news; the test was totally normal. The bad news; we still have no idea where the nausea is coming from. Hopefully there won’t be too many more tests of this nature for my poor Sarah to go through. After all she has had to deal with; this test was just one more thing to add to the list of un-fun things she has had to do in her life.

Thanks for all of your prayers and support. Please continue in your prayer for this time of radiation. It would be my hope that possible side effects would be extremely minimal and that there would be as little scar tissue development as possible. Thanks to you all for supporting my girl!

Kirk

Day 214

2010-11-02T01:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!
I forgot how much fun trick or treating was! I know I am way too old to be going door to door begging for candy but my sister, Bethany and Jonny, came over with Roman last night and we all went around the block to get candy for the little one. We definitely pulled a fast one on the neighbors because Roman isn’t even old enough to eat all that candy. Oh well, the joke’s on them and twix are all mine. Kirk and I are in a mild disagreement. I love dressing up in fun costumes and playing make believe but my darling husband gets absolutely no enjoyment from it at all. I’ve always wanted to dress up “couples” style like Romeo and Juliet or Peanut butter and Jelly but I am without a partner. This year was no different so as we walked Roman around the block I went as Raggedy Andy and Kirk dressed up like a husband that was cold…he was still cuter than any of the other husbands though. Bethany was pretty cute too all dressed up as the Queen of Hearts. However, Ro-Ro stole the show! He dressed up as a bright orange pumpkin that was so adorable that he received extra candy from the older women. What a charmer that little one is. Bethany and I were children once again running from porch to porch teaching Roman the ways of the “Pros”.

I hope auntie Sarah gets invited next year to tag along and get a cut of the candy. Maybe next year Kirk and I can dress up like Barbie and Ken. However I better get started on Kirk because it will take me all year to convince him to do it.

Love Always,
Sarah

Prayer Request: Tomorrow I have a consultation with my radiologist as well as an upper GI scan. Please pray that both appointments go well.

Day 213

2010-11-01T02:15:00.000-07:00

“Pink the Rink” Night!
We should “Pink” everyday! How often do you get to see man, woman and child all wearing pink at a hockey game none the less? What a fantastic game it turned out to be. The Tips fought hard and we enjoyed every minute of the cowbells and slap shots. Sherri had reserved the Crow’s Nest for the Sarah’s Hope entourage so smiles, hugs, pizza and laughter was the name of the game up there. Thanks Sherri for all your planning and hard work. We all had an awesome time! I also wanted to thank Joy Knox from the Comprehensive Breast Center for inviting my mom and me to be a part of this special event. Joy, you have been a real inspiration to those who are looking at fighting one of the roughest roads ahead of them. Knowing we have a friend in you gives each one of us a sense of peace because you are fighting on our side.

Before the game started Momma Hawk and I were honored to be a part of a special group of men and women who have been affected by breast cancer. It isn’t the most fun thing to have in common with another woman but it sure bonds girls faster than super glue. I met a lady named Kashia and she was so funny and uplifting. We are now friends on facebook. I hope we never lose touch! Each woman who was on the ice that night has such an amazing story. I wish we could have had coffee before hand and gotten to know one another’s hearts. Cancer can ruin lives but in its destruction it can create friendships and bonds that can never be broken. I’m so happy I met that group of survivors and I’m also so happy that not one of us slipped on the ice! Now that was a miracle!

Thank you to all my family and friends for coming out in support of my mom and me! I hope you had as much fun as we did. Kirk and I appreciate you much more than you will ever realize. Thanks for everything!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 212

2010-10-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

Why?
I am reading a book called Why? By Anne Graham Lotz. I just finished with a chapter that ended with her writing “Why me?” and she continues to say “Whenever that question tends to fill my mind, I hear Him whisper to my heart, “Anne, why not you? Just trust Me!"

I stopped reading and thought about what I had just read. Why not me? I know I would gingerly say “no thank you” if someone asked me to travel the perilous road that is cancer. But in the same thought if God Himself had asked me to take on this burden I think I would have said “alright” because I do trust God that He knows what He is doing and I know that He wouldn’t make His daughter hurt for nothing. He has great things for me in the future and I am honored to suffer in His name because justice and good will come from my struggles. God never lets us down, we aren't just sticking around long enough to see the horrible be turned into something beautiful.

I look around at my family and friends and think if one of us had to go through cancer why not me? I have been praying to God to use me in any way that He sees fit and why would I back down when now more than ever I can shine for Him when I have the attention of many. We are all in a battle and I am on the front lines. God has given me weapons to use and He has protected me in many occasions. As I pray for God to fight my battles we have celebrated victories but the one thing I have to be brave enough to do is stand in the front and give the enemy my warrior face and yell “You have no authority over me! I am a daughter of God and I will stand by Him forever! You have lost this battle so flee in the name of my savior Jesus Christ!” Ohhh..I just got goose bumps! His name is so powerful and holy I just can’t help but feel His awesome light coursing through my veins.

I have quite the road ahead of me but look at what I have come through! I am proud of myself, maybe I should be more humble but come on I have had sickness and death come knocking on my door and I being the sweet and timid woman I am came out on my porch with shot guns blazing screaming at the top of my lungs “Be gone in the name of Jesus Christ, I have much to accomplish in His name”!

More “knocking” has come in the way of results of a CT scan I had done on Tuesday. The scan showed that my stomach was distended (swollen), my right ovary has a rather large cyst and that I have kidney stones. Doesn’t my life get more exciting every day? I was told that the ovarian cyst will probably go away on its own and I will have another CT in a month to confirm. Please pray that the cyst will go away on its own and that it is not cancerous. My kidney stones are in my kidney so they are not a problem until they move. This is all information that doesn’t really give me any answers to why I’m sick all the time but gives me more to be concerned about. God will never give me more than I can handle so does that mean I have supernatural coping skills? I guess it does and I better take that as a blessing!

On to much more fun things! I am going to be an honorary guest at the SilverTips game tomorrow. The Tips are “Pinking the Rink” for breast cancer month and my mom and I were asked to be in a video and meet the starting line up on the ice! Come on out to show your support!

Breast cancer has sure given me some awesome experiences don’t you think? I can’t wait to see what other doors open up for Kirk and I. Thank you for all your love and support. I never dreamed my life would touch so many.

Love Always,
Sarah