Day 166

My surgery is on September 13th. Is that like really really soon? It sure feels that way to me. I have so many emotions running through my heart and head about so many things. I feel like I now have a time limit. You know that show Minute To Win It? I can’t stand watching it because of the ticking clock and the participant scrambling to finish. I always have hated the count down clock and that show just about makes my heart stop. The surgery is coming and there is nothing I want more than for it to just be over. When I shower it is so hard not to have my brain wander to “take a look now because it is all going to change”. I start crying and there is nothing I can do to stop. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that my chest will look and feel different but maybe there is nothing I can really do to prepare. I joked with Kirk that I wanted to have a Good Bye Party for my breasts and we laughed, but seriously what should I do? It seems dumb not to do anything to celebrate and remember that this is what my body has looked like for 24 years, no scars, no implants just Sarah. I almost feel like I’m giving up on my body and sending part of me down the river. My friend and “Big Sister” Jen told me she saw a shirt that she is going to give me. On the front it says “Of course they’re fake! The real ones tried to kill me!” Jen, you are so right about sending these ticking time bombs down the river but it is just so hard to say good bye. I had to say good bye to my hair and that was difficult, but I coped by taking pictures and making a wig from the shaved hair. I don’t think many of you would be my friends if I took pictures of my breast as memories and also had them stuffed and put on the mantle next to our wedding picture. Going a little too far? Yeah I think I am too…see where my brain goes without enough sleep! September 13th is looming and I feel like I have so many things to accomplish before then. I argue with Kirk about how important my To Do lists are, but I feel as if my time is running out. Does this mean I think I may die on the operating table? I don’t think it does but this uncontrollable drive to get everything done in time is driving me batty. I take pity on my poor husband as he sees me spiral out of control some days…or most days. These “crazy” emotions and thoughts are probably also due to a lack of sleep. My doctor and I have been trying cocktails of drugs in order to get me asleep and keep me asleep. Before I had cancer cocktail hour used to be much more fun. Last night we tried 4 of “this”, 2 of “that”, low lighting, candle light, a familiar movie and to top it off a warm hand to hold. Do you think it worked? Of course not…well at least not for me. With the relaxing atmosphere Kirk fell asleep in no time at all and I had to wake him up just to get him to stop snoring. This lack of sleep is messing with my coping skills and I am unable to do simple tasks without a wave of frustration and panic sweeping over me. Again I feel so sorry for my husband. He tries so hard to understand and do what he can to help me and I may just give him permission to smack me over the head with a baseball bat just so I can get some ZZzz’s. He may enjoy this because of all the trials that I put him through…..I’m just kidding! Kirk is nothing but loving and the only way he would hurt me is by hugging me too hard.

Please pray for me as I am losing the fight against myself and the thoughts I have. I know that God is helping me more than I realize, and He is with me even now as I write to you. My heart and body feel so numb to life and I feel so oppressed, but with God all things are possible. I will not give up on myself and I will not let go of my God.

God,
Please heal my hurt. Quiet my mind so I can focus my eyes on You. Make me feel beautiful again and make me understand that I look no different to You or to those who love me. Thank you for walking each step with me, crying along with me and catching my tears as they fall. I love you Lord and if walking this path will bring people to You, I am honored that you chose me. Just give me the strength in order to keep going. Thank you for my life and I want you to be proud of me. Amen

Love Always,
Sarah