Day 266

I used my hair dryer!

This might be a puff piece to you but all I’ve got to say is Wow! The dryer doesn’t do exactly what it used to do to my hair but I’ll figure it out. Right now it just makes my curly short hair fluffy and not what we would call stylish but it is something new and I’m all for it. Next time you use your hair dryer cherish it because I had no reason to use mine for close to a year and it was not the most fun thing I’ve done with my hair.

Okay I’m just going to come out and say it…some or most of you already know this but I’m depressed. This whole last year has stripped all of the “old Sarah” away and this “right now Sarah” isn’t cutting it for me or for Kirk. I don’t know who I am right now. I constantly let myself down with what I can’t do and then feel like a horrible wife for not getting anything done because I’m so weak. Some days I stare at a basket full of laundry and just melt to the floor and weep. I want to be strong enough to get the laundry done but I can’t muster up an ounce of strength in order to just think of the first step. Have you ever had one of those moments? I am having one of those moments just about every day. The dishes, laundry, a dusty shelf, and a messy bed are huge obstacles for me to conquer and sadly most days I am defeated. I am lucky though because Kirk’s mom comes and cleans for me; I am so grateful but deep down I am embarrassed that I can’t clean my own house. I have so many things getting the best of me right now but my main worst enemy is myself. I put so much pressure on myself to get things done by a certain time and when the deadline comes and goes I feel like a failure. I need help with all of this but where do I start? When I am feeling better this drive to accomplish things and giving myself deadlines will be great especially if I want to run a business but right now I need to give myself a break. Where’s the switch in my brain that tells me to calm down and rest? I also want to be honest with you and say my marriage has changed because of cancer…what marriage wouldn’t I guess. Things just are different between us. Kirk has seen the ugliest parts of his wife and while he loves me more because of it, I am so embarrassed. I hate for him to see my scars. I feel ugly in front of him. We used to laugh and play like newlyweds but all of that has been stolen away from us and I hate it. I want the playfulness to come back but maybe it can’t after you see your spouse lose all her hair, throw up in the car, change dressings after surgeries and gain weight from meds and chemotherapy. Again Kirk would say all this has brought us closer together but for me it has robbed me of my dignity. I want some secrets from my husband like him seeing me hover over the toilet for hours because of my stomach…I could go to the grave without him having that in his memory. Both Kirk and I want things to change for the better. However, things have negatively changed for us and we are the first ones to say “No way! We are not going to be like this…we want our old selves back and we will fight for it till the end”.

With saying all that you may say “Sarah, you need to go to a counselor!” and I will cut you off before you are done and say “Boy, do I know it”. Yesterday we had our first session with a counselor who is not only familiar with medicine and its effects but also she is familiar with cancer and everything that comes along with it. I want to talk to her for hours and hours so I can let my brain rest but I’ll have to wait till next time. She partners with Seattle Cancer Alliance so Seattle is where we have to travel to get the best treatment. Sorry Jetta for all the miles we are putting on you but I gotta do what I gotta do.

Please pray for progress to be made for Kirk’s and my relationship. My friendship with my husband is so important to me and I don’t know what I would do without his laughter. Just keep us in your prayers. God is powerful and He answers prayer. Be grateful for what you have and ask Him for what you need. Please just pray a special prayer for Kirk and me. I love you all. Thank you.

Love Always,
Sarah