Day 279

Looking for a Rainbow...
I wish I could tell you good news but I don’t have much to say to brighten your day. I was in the E.R. again with nausea symptoms along with pain and more pain. I have started my new regimen of my pain cocktail that consists of taking it four times a day but it doesn't seem to be helping all that much. My pain specialist says the nausea is being caused by my body getting used to the new pain cocktail and it will take some time for everything to calm down a bit and my body will accept the pain medicine. If the pain doesn’t settle down I may have to up the dose and that may cause more nausea so I am on a road that may not have a happy ending until God heals me completely…oh please pray that a miracle happens because our God is certainly capable of miraculous miracles! It just seems like with all this rain falling down on me every day making life more and more difficult to cope with, there should be a sign of a rainbow somewhere. I’m looking but don’t see one but I could sure use a boost by finding that leprechaun and his pot of gold!

I have been pushing my body harder than I should be these last couple days and I am paying for it with "I told you so's" from family members and horrible pain and exhaustion. The reason I push my body so hard is I won’t let the effects of cancer hold me back any longer. I won’t let cancer hold me back from making a fort with my nephew and climbing on all fours to play with trucks under the table. I won’t let cancer hold me back from spending an entire morning at the Zoo with my sister Bethany, who is a nanny, gather up her little "chicks" and scoop them up in arms, give piggyback rides and lift them up as high as possible to see the giraffes. Let’s just say I over did it…a little…okay a lot, but when will I have that moment again? Realistically…never. I want to savor each day. Remember the Sunday School song "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it"? That’s what I want to do. Every day is a gift and I won’t let cancer take away my gifts from God. Be mindful that I don’t feel this way every day…some mornings when the pain is searing through my chest and back I say "this day is lost…let’s try for tomorrow". I hate losing time, not checking something off my to do list, accomplishing a goal and when I stay in bed or curled up in a ball on the couch I feel worse at the end of the day because I am a purpose driven person and when there are hundreds of things on my plate there is no time to lose. Cancer may have gotten me down this last year and a half but cancer doesn’t know who its dealing with…I’m a Lien…formally a Hawkins and when you mix those two together you better watch out because I am a force to be reckoned with. Just wait until Kirk and I have kids…watch out world!

Okay, I feel a little better now. I have left you with a sweet thought mixed with a little sunshine. Thank you to all those who have responded to our fundraiser letter; it never ceases to amaze me of the generosity of our family and friends. Cancer is so expensive. Thank the Lord Kirk and I have insurance, without insurance the average yearly cost of cancer treatment is $300,000! And that doesn't even count all the follow up treatments for years to come. God has really provided for us in every way and all of you are part of that support circle that has been raising us up in prayer and in love. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I’d be lost without all of you. Thank you for being there for me.

Love Always and Forever,
Sarah