Saturday, January 5, 2013

Isn't it funny how…

I truly thought my nights staring into the darkness of my bedroom ceiling were a thing of the past. I was enjoying not having anything to write about on my cancer journey blog but here I am in the wee hours of the morning just trying to make sense of it all.

My mother was diagnosed with bone cancer. She was told that it is incurable and that she has two years to live. Her doctor also explained that with bone cancer she will experience excruciating pain until it eventually takes her life.

Please tell me how I am supposed to handle this. I am at a loss. I don’t know what I should be doing or how I should be acting. My body is numb. I can’t sleep. I find myself lost in a sea of hopeless fear. My mind is filled with “what ifs” and nightmares that leave me feeling so very alone. Will we never be out of cancer’s hold on us? Will we never find our freedom from its grip?

My mother is the most important woman in my life. She was my first friend and has always been my best friend. Her courageous spirit and strong convictions have constantly set her apart and I strive to be like her in any way I can. I have been told that I am just like my mother and I can’t tell you how honored I am to be compared with such a pillar of strength and beauty.

My life changed direction the second I was told of her devastating diagnosis. We were set to move out of state in just a matter of weeks. All our belongings were already in storage and we had leads on apartments and jobs. It was our dream adventure and it was about to begin. Isn't it funny how one sentence can undo years of planning. Yes, I am grieving my lost adventure but would I choose my adventure over time spent with my mother? Absolutely not. Of course my mother being the woman she is begged us to reconsider giving up our adventure. How amazing and selfless is she that she would rather us achieve our hearts desires than us be with her in her time of need? She will always put her children’s wishes over her necessities.

So now I just wait. Wait for the growing anger and anguish to surface. Wait for my mother to get sick again. Wait for my family to fall apart. Wait for the next bomb to drop. What more can my family handle? What more can my heart withstand?

Please pray for my family in this time of uncertainty. We desperately need God’s comfort and his understanding. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Your unwavering love for my family is such a relief. It is so wonderful to know we are not alone.

Love Always,