Thursday, August 8, 2013

Where God Guides, He Provides

Our lives have been on a roller coaster for oh so many years. We have had the ups and the downs and when it really got wild we had the upside-down loops that made our heads spin. Every day has its surprises and we are never bored with what comes up.

I shared before that my mother has been diagnosed with bone cancer. The agony my heart has felt over the thought of losing my mom has been torture. Every two months she has a test and every two months we have heard disappointing news despite bone strengthening treatments and daily oral chemo. We heard: the cancer has grown, they found another cancer site or on awful days we heard both. Our hope for good news was fading but I was reminded that “a certain darkness is needed to see the stars.” I am not going to lie; we were beaten down as we sat in the conference room at the cancer center waiting for Mom’s results this last month. As the results were read our jaws dropped. For the first time in over a year we were hearing good news in the fight against cancer. Mom’s cancer had stopped growing and there were no new cancer sites anywhere in her body. What a relief! We are safe for two months until the next scan. I am thrilled about this news but I am also very aware of the threat cancer still has on her life.

Lately, I have been feeling stuck; stuck emotionally between the most incredible experience in my life and between the heartache and fear that I feel for my family. On one hand my heart hurts and on the other hand I have so much to be joyful about. What joy? Let me share my amazing news!

Kirk and I are pregnant! After three years of waiting we are expecting our miracle baby! It was quite the road to make this pregnancy happen but oh was it worth it. Between the fertility costs and the hormones I was taking, tensions were high, but my husband survived like a champ…let’s see if he survives the first few months of caring for a newborn! Many times I find myself smiling simply because my fairy tale is coming true. Our baby girl, Yes! I said girl, is due in November and as she grows I find more and more to thank God for. I also want to thank all of you who have supported us through prayers and donations for fertility treatments. Without your help our growing family would not be possible.

Our roller coaster that we call life never ceases to shock and amaze, but even with all the twists and turns we always know “where God guides, He provides”. I for one am forever grateful for His trials and provisions. For every setback and disappointment God has blessed us tenfold.

“Let your past make you better, not bitter.”

Love Always,


Saturday, January 5, 2013

Isn't it funny how…

I truly thought my nights staring into the darkness of my bedroom ceiling were a thing of the past. I was enjoying not having anything to write about on my cancer journey blog but here I am in the wee hours of the morning just trying to make sense of it all.

My mother was diagnosed with bone cancer. She was told that it is incurable and that she has two years to live. Her doctor also explained that with bone cancer she will experience excruciating pain until it eventually takes her life.

Please tell me how I am supposed to handle this. I am at a loss. I don’t know what I should be doing or how I should be acting. My body is numb. I can’t sleep. I find myself lost in a sea of hopeless fear. My mind is filled with “what ifs” and nightmares that leave me feeling so very alone. Will we never be out of cancer’s hold on us? Will we never find our freedom from its grip?

My mother is the most important woman in my life. She was my first friend and has always been my best friend. Her courageous spirit and strong convictions have constantly set her apart and I strive to be like her in any way I can. I have been told that I am just like my mother and I can’t tell you how honored I am to be compared with such a pillar of strength and beauty.

My life changed direction the second I was told of her devastating diagnosis. We were set to move out of state in just a matter of weeks. All our belongings were already in storage and we had leads on apartments and jobs. It was our dream adventure and it was about to begin. Isn't it funny how one sentence can undo years of planning. Yes, I am grieving my lost adventure but would I choose my adventure over time spent with my mother? Absolutely not. Of course my mother being the woman she is begged us to reconsider giving up our adventure. How amazing and selfless is she that she would rather us achieve our hearts desires than us be with her in her time of need? She will always put her children’s wishes over her necessities.

So now I just wait. Wait for the growing anger and anguish to surface. Wait for my mother to get sick again. Wait for my family to fall apart. Wait for the next bomb to drop. What more can my family handle? What more can my heart withstand?

Please pray for my family in this time of uncertainty. We desperately need God’s comfort and his understanding. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Your unwavering love for my family is such a relief. It is so wonderful to know we are not alone.

Love Always,