Great News!

Sarah made the decision this week to not go into the infusion clinic at all for extra fluids! She is drinking a different type of water at home and so far so good. Her body seems to be staying hydrated much better. Sarah would be ecstatic if she could stop having to go into the infusion clinic. As far as Sarah's health goes, this week has been pretty good. Please pray with us that this trend continues. Sarah had her expanders partly filled again today. This was the first time since before radiation and its exciting, but at the same time we need to be sure that Sarah doesn't experience any pain from these fills. Please also pray that this weekend will be a relaxing time for Sarah that is pain and nausea free.

-Kirk & Sarah

Day 265

What in the world am I doing? I’m starting a business while I’m still on the on outskirts of getting well from cancer treatments. I am crazy or just ambitious? I’m going with crazy. I have set up a tiny office in my second bedroom with inspirational things to keep me smiling and focused but seriously my confidence is dwindling. I think that is the main reason that I started the Beth Moore Confidence study. Beth Moore can say so many deep and inspirational things that rock my core. I can spring into action and say these things to another person such as a friend who is in need or another cancer survivor that needs a pick me up after hearing test results. But when I read these words and try to have them sink in or straighten up my posture and speak them out loud hoping to spur the confined Sarah just waiting to spring into life; I just feel dumb and wait for something to happen and by the way nothing ever does.

Maybe if I share what I learned today with you I will be taught again and maybe just maybe someone will be changed because of what I chose to write about today.

Do not throw away your confidence. Why do we never feel good enough? Not good enough for others, not good enough for jobs, not good enough for ourselves and mostly not good enough for God? Beth Moore stated today “God can make the simplest person stunningly wise”. Really? I need to be wise so badly because I feel like the simplest woman on the face of this planet. Before March 2010 I had my life figured out. Kirk and I were going to travel for mission trips and pleasure, Buy a fixer upper home, bring home a dog from the shelter for a second chance, have babies, you know the whole white picket fence sort of life. When does everything change and why does it have to change to fast? “We have been created with brilliance because we were created in the image of God”. Does that put pressure on anyone else? I have been created in the image of a God I cannot ever fully understand but love with all my heart. As I think of everything that I think I could be better at. Being a woman of God, being a godly wife, daughter, and sister, being a business woman, being a spiritual mentor, someday being a mother. You can see I have a lot on my mind that I think I could easily fail at and that is why I’m so heavily seeking God confidence in each goal. The enemy is desperately looking for treasures that we have trashed so he can attack us where it really counts. Like right now I’m trying very hard to start my business, Emalene. It’s a simple business where I want to sell my baby/toddler hats and it has been my dream for a year now. The enemy knows how very important Emalene is to me for my confidence and independence and he is shooting his piercing arrows right where they will do the most damage. I look at my hats now and think they are hideous. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t take myself seriously as anything but a sick woman ridden with cancer scars. I think of myself as an untrained, unwise, and unrealistic girl that has put time and energy into something that might make me fall on my face in front of a million people. The enemy is shooting his arrows pretty accurately these days and I am losing my strength to hold up my shield to block them; I’m starting to believe everything but God is whispering to me “Pull your confidence out of the trash can and stand tall”. Ladies and Gents If God is behind me then I will not fail but it is so hard taking on a new venture. I need my brain to think about Emalene instead of cancer. Cancer cannot run my life anymore. It can derail my train cars once in a while but only for a short while and then I have to get back on my path to victory that God has laid out for me. He has paved the way and I won’t let Him down not to walk on it!

Please pray for me to have a sound mind in Christ. I need some serious prayer for strength and confidence in trying new things…I don’t want to only be known for cancer anymore. I want to be known for following the way of the Lord and being a light in the darkness. Thank you for your confidence in me!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 264

Thank you all for your messages assuring me that it is okay to have a bad day…or two…and be honest about it. I try and try to sweep my emotions under the rug but you know how it is; one day the ugly dust monster comes out to play when company has just arrived! I guess all I wanted to say is thank you for sticking with me and being my cheering squad who has got my back!

I’m trying to get better with my emotions. They are just so ugly with no sign of any hope. Sarah’s Hope, I know but it’s hard to have hope each day. New challenges are brought forth each day and when you are already on the breaking point I must be careful of what I take on. But I do need something to get out of bed for…as thrilling as getting up to a hurting body and taking pills every 4, 6, and 24 hours seems it’s not too glamorous. I have mentioned starting up my own business in the past but I’m finally going to do it! I need that “something” to get out of bed for. I need that sense of purpose! I got myself all geared up today about what amazing things I could do while brainstorming for my “baby” when I felt a tiny twinge of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. Fear does NOT come from our Lord. Victory comes from our Lord along with all-consuming love. I was having such a hard time dealing with fear and self-esteem issues I went to my spiritual mentor Beth Moore to get an espresso shot of God. This is a study I have done before but how many times can you hear the truth? A million times for me! Man did I need a jump start today and boy did I get one. Beth starts out saying Do not throw away your confidence and pray for the gift of God confidence. Hebrews 10: 35-36 says “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to preserve so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” I have to say I have been throwing my confidence in the trash can and turning on the trash compactor on it…how is it ever going to survive? It is so hard to be strong these days for me…I bet it is hard for all of us to be strong so please don’t think I think I’m the only one going through struggles. Another topic Beth touched on is if we are constantly being hit in the areas of our effectiveness we ought to figure out very quickly that it is the enemy’s attacks that are breaking us down and not just a bad day. The enemy knows our weaknesses very well and he uses his knowledge when we are at our weakest or when we are doing our best. The enemy doesn’t want me to start my business because my little business will help children in Africa, prove that there is life after cancer, spread my story even farther than it has gone already and most importantly let the world know that God is the center of my world and He should be the center of yours. I have big dreams but I’d rather have big dreams than no dreams.

My body hurts but I’m not letting the enemy keep me in bed. I’m not letting him be grumpy to my husband. I’m not letting him wash away my confidence because I am praying for the gift of God confidence. People don’t throw away your confidence…you have a right to it so stand tall and fight for it!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 263

What am I to do? Be happy? Be sad? I can’t stand not knowing what to think or what to feel. I actually know what I think and feel but how boring and dreary would that be writing about my pain and suffering every day? With each post, I want to share how I am healing, how my life has changed and what amazing things I am going to do with my new found desire for life, but I am consumed with pain, anxiousness, weakness and hopelessness. My blog is Sarah’s Hope but what happens when Sarah has a very serious lack of hope right now?

I thought after my treatments with chemotherapy, surgeries and radiation I would be on the road to recovering. Nothing is farther from that goal! It feels like I’m weaker each day but then I have one day where my body doesn’t hurt that bad and I feel like my life is turning around but the joke is always on me to get my hopes up and have them be trampled on for when I wake up the next day I can barely move out of bed. I’m 25! What 25 year old feels like garbage each day and prays for God to intervene so she can live…actually live? Right now I’m living from alarm clock to alarm clock for pain medications, drinking special water for body health, going to the hospital twice a week for dehydration and taking naps every chance I can get. I want to drive. I want to be left alone for more than 2 hours before someone calls to check if I’ve fallen down. I want to start my own business. I want to work with flowers and babies and to organize. I want to feel normal. I want to feel free. I want to be talked to about something other than cancer…but that’s the thing…nothing, absolutely nothing is happening for me except cancer so conversation topics are limited. I feel like I’m on a deserted island…trapped… and have written HELP in the sand waiting for an airplane to see my distress call…will anyone ever see my help sign? I need something special in my life. I need a break. I need something that I want to get out of bed for. I know I’m still defending my life from cancer but is that all I can do right now? Maybe it is but I’m pleading that it isn’t all that I can do. I am a girl who has survived the first attacks of breast cancer but that is not who I really am…it is what I have done. Who I am is a young woman looking for more out of life. I want so much and I am so afraid that cancer had defeated me by defining who I am. Will the world forget my name after I don’t have traumatic things happening to me each and every week? What am I doing but being sick? I want my To: Sarah, From: God package to come complete with a guide book “What to Do Next”. I have a mind full of wonder, excitement, and dreams but I barely have the energy to write all of them down. It just isn’t fair. I want to do something to help the children of Africa. I want to do something to help women who are walking in the same pink ribbon shoes that I am walking in. I want to count down the days to when I can call myself a mother. You can see I have many dreams and I need help getting to fulfill all of them but first comes my strength and health. I just get overwhelmed at times and break down. Only God knows what my husband thinks when he comes home from work and I am crying while doing dishes or sobbing over a wrinkled shirt wondering if my life is over. I’m just on the border line of being alright and the strange thing is I fear I will never be whole again.

Again something comes up and I can’t post on the blog until the night! I went shopping with my mom and my nephew today for about 2 hours and after I got back home I started to throw up uncontrollably. Kirk and I had to cancel our dinner plans with friends and schedule instead for me to go to the hospital for fluids and anti-nausea medication…this is my life! Will it ever get better?

Thank you for listening to me have a meltdown. You are always there to hear me celebrate good times and try to forget hard times. God bless you all.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 262

I wanted to start a little different today. Below are some questions I frequently get asked and I wanted to share my answers to all my readers. I hope you enjoy seeing a peek into my soul…it is damaged and bruised but it will push on.

How is your pain doing?
My pain is overwhelming. I have been in touch with the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance Pain Clinic at least once a week trying new medications and dose changes. I feel weaker than ever and I seem to only get worse as the weeks go by. Today I started a new medication cocktail but I must wait 24-48 hours for it to fully kick in. I’m praying that this will be the last “new” medication we will have to try and I will finally receive some relief. My pain level is normally at an 8, which is very high, but with this new cocktail it should go down to a more manageable number such as a 5.

What is the hardest thing you are going through this week?
There are a few things I am having trouble with this last week. I am having trouble with feeling like I don’t have the strength to do anything on my own. I get panicked that in the middle of most activities I have to take a break and rest… for goodness sakes…..I’m 25 years old I shouldn’t have to take a rest after folding laundry! I am also feeling like such a horrible wife. I am unable to clean our house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, cook a meal, well basically everything that a wife is supposed to do. I feel like Kirk should run away from me because I am the neediest woman on the face of the planet. I push myself as hard as I can to do the dishes before Kirk comes home to the point of tears because my legs are too weak to stand but I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t get them done. I’m losing my mind being this weak. God help me be strong! Not just on the inside but on the outside too! Another issue that is becoming a major problem is my dignity. Because of all the things I have had to go through, medical appointments, weight issues, bleeding issues, hospital visits, and personal questions from every medical form possible I feel like I have lost all but an ounce of my dignity. I have no secrets from the world. I have no secrets from my husband…trust me it is good to have some secrets from your spouse. Such as how many times you can throw up in the car in a single trip or what your head looks like when patches of hair are missing. This week has not been the worst week ever but it is one of the few I won’t be forgetting.

What is the one thing you want to do but you are unable to right now?
I want to fly. Not crazy fly like a bird but I want to get on an airplane and fly to Maui. I need a Maui trip more than anything right now. You have no idea how that island soothes the soul. God took special time creating my island and I am desperate to get back there and enjoy it.

What scares you in your treatment process at this time?
Most of my treatment processes are over right now but there is one that hasn’t started yet and it is scaring me already. My hormone therapy. Hormone therapy should keep my estrogen levels down enough to keep the cancer from returning. I haven’t started the medication yet so technically there is nothing keeping the cancer from returning. That is a little unnerving right now.

Who is your angel in disguise these days?
You may have guessed it but I have many! First of all I have my husband. This man doesn’t complain after he comes home and I haven’t had the strength to get out of bed and pick up the house. He doesn’t get upset that I don’t have the energy to go anywhere and we are stuck sitting on the couch all weekend. Kirk is just satisfied being with me, caring for me, loving me and holding me while I cry. If Kirk isn’t an angel sent to me from God I don’t know what he is.

More angels…my family! Each and every member of my family. Especially my mom. My mom pushes me to live. She pushes me to get stronger. She pushes me to stand tall and fight for what is mine. A big reason why I fight hard is because I have a strong woman holding me up and her name is Barb Hawkins, my mother. She has walked the road before me and now she walks the road beside me. I love you mom. I couldn’t do this without your guidance and confidence.

Is it hard keeping up your smile?
Yes. It is hard to keep smiling when my heart is breaking and tears are only seconds away. It is hard to keep smiling when all I want to do is hide my face and scream in frustration. The hardest part of keeping a smile on my face is the fact that all I want to do is smile for real. I want joy to conquer all. I want victory over cancer and smile because I have won. I smile because I know one day I will have victory and that my life will be wonderful again. Kirk and I will succeed and we will have our happily ever after…at last.

Thanks for holding me close to your hearts as you watch me walk this journey. Pray Pray Pray and then Pray some more. The Lord listens to his children and I know He hears our every word.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 261

Tonight we had a lot of fun. We went to a 50’s themed costume Super Bowl party. Even though Sarah felt awful today she wanted to get out and do something normal for a change. Sarah went as a “Pink Lady” and I went as a “greaser.” We hung out with family and friends and had a really great time. Thanks Bob and Sherri for hosting the best parties.

I was so proud of Sarah because she has won the best ladies costume two years in a row. Last year was Vegas themed and we went as a bride and groom. I’ll tell you what…she won best costume last year but she looked much better on our actual wedding day.

This next week will be a lot of doctor appointments and we are in desperate need of prayer. Monday Sarah has a follow-up appointment with her radiation oncologist and Tuesday she has another appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. Also on Tuesday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids. By the end of the week, we are going to try and get in to see a doctor about the hard area under Sarah’s arm. Please pray that this turns out to be nothing serious. Finally on Friday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids again.

Maybe by this weekend, Sarah will be feeling well enough for me to take her out on Monday for Valentine’s Day.

-Kirk

Day 260

Enough is Enough...
We have had a long and rough week. Since Sarah has been on blood thinner for her leg clots, she has a couple of issues with bleeding. She now has to go through a series of tests and it is just stressing her out. Her doctor decided that the risks and side effects of Sarah taking blood thinner are too great for the little benefit she is receiving from it. He has OK’d her to stop taking her blood thinners immediately. We both thought that after her radiation we would be done and things would settle down. I guess we thought wrong. It seems as though Sarah has had to deal with every complication possible. If it isn‘t cancer, its blood clots, if it isn’t blood clots its pain, if it isn’t pain it’s sleeplessness…and the list goes on. It seems like it will never end. We had thought that Sarah wasn’t going to need fluids from the infusion clinic anymore, but that hasn’t been true either. We have continued to need to come in so Sarah can stay hydrated. We are trying to keep in mind that Sarah has been through hell and back and her body will need some serious time to fully recover. We don’t know why, but Sarah is not sleeping at all. On average she gets about 1 hour a night. This is obviously not enough sleep, but we don’t know what to do about it. I feel bad that I can sleep whenever I lay my head down and Sarah can’t get a wink. Even though Sarah may hold a tiny grudge against me for getting such great sleep, she still gets up in the morning and makes me a lunch to take with me to work. She is a very thoughtful and caring wife in the midst of all that she is dealing with.

Prayer Request: Sarah has a hard area under her arm. She asked her doctor about it today and he wanted her to have it checked out by her oncologist. Anyone who has gone through cancer understands the fear of it returning. Sarah is very scared and worried that the news will not be good. It is very possible that it is just scar tissue, but until proven the worry is there. Please pray for Sarah that while she waits to see what the verdict is on this God will bring her peace. Also, please pray that it is 100% negative for cancer.

We are in the infusion clinic now and Sarah is almost done getting her fluids. They are also able to give her some IV sleep medication which we have proven works. They will give it to her right before we go and most likely Sarah will sleep better tonight.

Thanks for reading. Sarah and I will try to write more often, but it has just been a really long couple of weeks. Prayer is always helpful!!!

-Kirk

Day 259

Tonight we are in the infusion clinic as planned. Sarah is starting to need less and less fluids, but she doesn't want to get off track and become severely dehydrated. Sarah is still having quite a lot of pain in her body. She is starting to regain feeling in certain parts of her chest, but the feeling is coming back as pain and discomfort. She is working with a pain specialist at SCCA, but he hasn't found a great solution so far. She is still taking a long acting pain med, but is trying to find a quick acting medication that will give her some immediate relief when her pain is at its worst.

Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.

For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.

-Kirk

Day 258

Tonight we are in the infusion clinic as planned. Sarah is starting to need less and less fluids, but she doesn't want to get off track and become severely dehydrated. Sarah is still having quite a lot of pain in her body. She is starting to regain feeling in certain parts of her chest, but the feeling is coming back as pain and discomfort. She is working with a pain specialist at SCCA, but he hasn't found a great solution so far. She is still taking a long acting pain med, but is trying to find a quick acting medication that will give her some immediate relief when her pain is at its worst.

Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.

For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.

-Kirk