Day 265

What in the world am I doing? I’m starting a business while I’m still on the on outskirts of getting well from cancer treatments. I am crazy or just ambitious? I’m going with crazy. I have set up a tiny office in my second bedroom with inspirational things to keep me smiling and focused but seriously my confidence is dwindling. I think that is the main reason that I started the Beth Moore Confidence study. Beth Moore can say so many deep and inspirational things that rock my core. I can spring into action and say these things to another person such as a friend who is in need or another cancer survivor that needs a pick me up after hearing test results. But when I read these words and try to have them sink in or straighten up my posture and speak them out loud hoping to spur the confined Sarah just waiting to spring into life; I just feel dumb and wait for something to happen and by the way nothing ever does.

Maybe if I share what I learned today with you I will be taught again and maybe just maybe someone will be changed because of what I chose to write about today.

Do not throw away your confidence. Why do we never feel good enough? Not good enough for others, not good enough for jobs, not good enough for ourselves and mostly not good enough for God? Beth Moore stated today “God can make the simplest person stunningly wise”. Really? I need to be wise so badly because I feel like the simplest woman on the face of this planet. Before March 2010 I had my life figured out. Kirk and I were going to travel for mission trips and pleasure, Buy a fixer upper home, bring home a dog from the shelter for a second chance, have babies, you know the whole white picket fence sort of life. When does everything change and why does it have to change to fast? “We have been created with brilliance because we were created in the image of God”. Does that put pressure on anyone else? I have been created in the image of a God I cannot ever fully understand but love with all my heart. As I think of everything that I think I could be better at. Being a woman of God, being a godly wife, daughter, and sister, being a business woman, being a spiritual mentor, someday being a mother. You can see I have a lot on my mind that I think I could easily fail at and that is why I’m so heavily seeking God confidence in each goal. The enemy is desperately looking for treasures that we have trashed so he can attack us where it really counts. Like right now I’m trying very hard to start my business, Emalene. It’s a simple business where I want to sell my baby/toddler hats and it has been my dream for a year now. The enemy knows how very important Emalene is to me for my confidence and independence and he is shooting his piercing arrows right where they will do the most damage. I look at my hats now and think they are hideous. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t take myself seriously as anything but a sick woman ridden with cancer scars. I think of myself as an untrained, unwise, and unrealistic girl that has put time and energy into something that might make me fall on my face in front of a million people. The enemy is shooting his arrows pretty accurately these days and I am losing my strength to hold up my shield to block them; I’m starting to believe everything but God is whispering to me “Pull your confidence out of the trash can and stand tall”. Ladies and Gents If God is behind me then I will not fail but it is so hard taking on a new venture. I need my brain to think about Emalene instead of cancer. Cancer cannot run my life anymore. It can derail my train cars once in a while but only for a short while and then I have to get back on my path to victory that God has laid out for me. He has paved the way and I won’t let Him down not to walk on it!

Please pray for me to have a sound mind in Christ. I need some serious prayer for strength and confidence in trying new things…I don’t want to only be known for cancer anymore. I want to be known for following the way of the Lord and being a light in the darkness. Thank you for your confidence in me!

Love Always,
Sarah