Day 285

I can’t believe this is my life right now. I am 25 years old. Isn’t this the time in your life that you are supposed to feel the best? The time where you jump at the chance of adventure? Where energy comes in endless supply? This should be a time in my life when I get fun travel magazines in the mail not stacks and stacks of medical bills that are rapidly depleting my cancer fund. Or a time when I should be playing tennis with my husband instead of barely being able to make it up the front stairs to the door. I am falling further and further from the woman I once was. I am always tired, always in pain and I have to take medications by the handfuls; and those handfuls cause horrible side effects. I don’t sleep without nightmares. I don’t move without pain searing throughout my body. I feel so much guilt for the things I am not able to do. I want to be the wife that cleans the house and makes dinner for my husband when he comes home from work and I want to be the friend who cooks a meal for a girlfriend in need. I can start trying to do those things, but right in the middle of it my legs start to ache and quiver, or my head starts to feel so dizzy I almost fall down. I stop and rest which only makes things worse. A time of rest quickly turns into a complete emotional meltdown. I am so frustrated that because of my physical weakness I am unable to complete even the simplest of tasks. I have tried doctor after doctor, medication after medication, vitamin after vitamin and nothing makes me feel like Sarah Elizabeth Lien the 25 year old woman that has an amazing future ahead of her. In fact I don’t remember that Sarah. All I know is the exhausted, sick and depressed Sarah that has lost some of her hope in feeling better. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever overcome this dark cloud in my head? Will I ever smile without it being forced? I know there are some things that make me happy no matter what but they can never last forever. Flowers, babies, my nephew Roman; I can’t make flowers bloom all year round, I can’t hold newborn babies all day long and I think my sister Bethany would miss her child if Roman moved in with me. So it’s back to the drawing board for happiness for me.  I need some help for happiness.

God, please let me see the beauty everywhere I look. I want happiness. I want wholeness. It has been too long since I have felt well. Please heal my body. Please lay your mighty hand over me and heal every muscle, every bone, and every cell. Keep me tucked away in the safety of your arms. Heal me O God.

Love Always,
Sarah