Thursday, February 17, 2011

Day 263

What am I to do? Be happy? Be sad? I can’t stand not knowing what to think or what to feel. I actually know what I think and feel but how boring and dreary would that be writing about my pain and suffering every day? With each post, I want to share how I am healing, how my life has changed and what amazing things I am going to do with my new found desire for life, but I am consumed with pain, anxiousness, weakness and hopelessness. My blog is Sarah’s Hope but what happens when Sarah has a very serious lack of hope right now?

I thought after my treatments with chemotherapy, surgeries and radiation I would be on the road to recovering. Nothing is farther from that goal! It feels like I’m weaker each day but then I have one day where my body doesn’t hurt that bad and I feel like my life is turning around but the joke is always on me to get my hopes up and have them be trampled on for when I wake up the next day I can barely move out of bed. I’m 25! What 25 year old feels like garbage each day and prays for God to intervene so she can live…actually live? Right now I’m living from alarm clock to alarm clock for pain medications, drinking special water for body health, going to the hospital twice a week for dehydration and taking naps every chance I can get. I want to drive. I want to be left alone for more than 2 hours before someone calls to check if I’ve fallen down. I want to start my own business. I want to work with flowers and babies and to organize. I want to feel normal. I want to feel free. I want to be talked to about something other than cancer…but that’s the thing…nothing, absolutely nothing is happening for me except cancer so conversation topics are limited. I feel like I’m on a deserted island…trapped… and have written HELP in the sand waiting for an airplane to see my distress call…will anyone ever see my help sign? I need something special in my life. I need a break. I need something that I want to get out of bed for. I know I’m still defending my life from cancer but is that all I can do right now? Maybe it is but I’m pleading that it isn’t all that I can do. I am a girl who has survived the first attacks of breast cancer but that is not who I really am…it is what I have done. Who I am is a young woman looking for more out of life. I want so much and I am so afraid that cancer had defeated me by defining who I am. Will the world forget my name after I don’t have traumatic things happening to me each and every week? What am I doing but being sick? I want my To: Sarah, From: God package to come complete with a guide book “What to Do Next”. I have a mind full of wonder, excitement, and dreams but I barely have the energy to write all of them down. It just isn’t fair. I want to do something to help the children of Africa. I want to do something to help women who are walking in the same pink ribbon shoes that I am walking in. I want to count down the days to when I can call myself a mother. You can see I have many dreams and I need help getting to fulfill all of them but first comes my strength and health. I just get overwhelmed at times and break down. Only God knows what my husband thinks when he comes home from work and I am crying while doing dishes or sobbing over a wrinkled shirt wondering if my life is over. I’m just on the border line of being alright and the strange thing is I fear I will never be whole again.

Again something comes up and I can’t post on the blog until the night! I went shopping with my mom and my nephew today for about 2 hours and after I got back home I started to throw up uncontrollably. Kirk and I had to cancel our dinner plans with friends and schedule instead for me to go to the hospital for fluids and anti-nausea medication…this is my life! Will it ever get better?

Thank you for listening to me have a meltdown. You are always there to hear me celebrate good times and try to forget hard times. God bless you all.

Love Always,


Anonymous said...

(((Baby girl))) My heart breaks that you are suffering so much. There are no words. Praying that God will erase all pain and restore health and joy back into your life. In Jesus name. Amen All my love, Auntie Lynda

Anonymous said...

Dear Sarah,
Have you talked to the people at SCCA about support groups?
Of course it is not fair that your still feeling so bad. But I have been there myself and I promise you that your day will come when you will feel whole again.
Please hang in there, feel free to post on your good days and bad days. Your readers are praying for you and we worry when its been a few days with no word.
Barb in Snohomish

Anonymous said...


Your words, whether full of hope or full of agony, are helping women all over the world deal with their own journey thorough cancer. Your blog is a lifeline to others so they know that what they are feeling and experiencing is normal (?). Well, cancer-normal anyway. It's like talking to your best friend about problems with your spouse or children.
Trust in the Lord. You are here for a purpose (probably many purposes) and that purpose right now is connecting with others walking this path.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing woman! I hear your pain & wish with all my heart that life was different for you right this minute. Those of us who read your blog pray that relief will come soon. You are brave even through your tears, strong (how else to explain your sitting throughout dinner & the play), and with a beautiful spirit. Right now we are all on this journey with Sarah...& know that we out here support you, think of you & love you.
Kathy Elder

Chellie Dee said...

You Said:

"My blog is Sarah’s Hope but what happens when Sarah has a very serious lack of hope right now?"

I say to do what you did, make a blog post. Just by posting yor thoughs and feelings you give hope to others because they see that you are strong enough to bear your soul to others. Another reason to post here is to let those who follow you provide support and encouragement to you.

I also want to reassure you that you are not just a cancer survivor to people! You are still the Sarah that they love...

I hope that this encourages you.... even if it's just a little.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah,

I have beeen following your blog all along. Kirk did the SmartBoards at our school. I wanted to share a couple of blogs with you by some wonderful women doing amazing things for mothers and babies in Africa, since that is where your heart is.
Another blog I've been following recently is by a young woman who has some interesting outlooks about her cancer fight.
I pray for you for the strength you need to do all of the amazing things you were put on this earth to do!



Anonymous said...


I read your blog and have followed you from the beginning and you are amazing!!!

You have an "incredible gift" of sharing your walk with us, and we have the privledge of getting to walk with you in prayer. We share in your struggles and rejoice in your victories!!! Bless you sister:+)

Anonymous said...

Sarah, I love that you are real...your pain, your joy give me hope to deal with life. Thank you for being you. Recovery is a journey and your honesty is very much appreciated.