Sunday, March 6, 2011

Day 267

I forget sometimes the feelings that I hold in so close to my heart. I have such an emotional rollercoaster when I think of certain topics…well mostly one. One word, and you all can probably guess it, children. Yes, children. I’m like a broken record when I say I long for them but you know when you are told you can’t have something and then you want it even more? That’s me all the way.

Kirk and I said we wanted to wait to have children for 4 years of marriage. We wanted to travel. We wanted to go on mission trips. We wanted to have bought a house. I barely have done any of those things but the longing is still there. I was recently talking to a friend who has two children plus a new baby and she is tired and needs a mommy resting day. At first I was like please just be happy you get to have this precious baby but after a few minutes I knew that if I was in her position I would need a mommy break x5! Every season women will have different emotions. I long for children now but looking on the bright side…Kirk and I could fly to Maui at a moment’s notice and not think anything about it. Without kids we can stay out at long as we want, spend money on dinner and a movie instead of diapers! When I think about it I’m so happy we don’t have kids during this time in our lives…could you imagine having kids when you are going through cancer? Cheers to the women who have done it and are doing it right now! You are my heroes!

I still get sad some days. A couple days ago I got a baby shower invitation in the mail and I just stood in the kitchen and cried. Tears slid down my cheeks as I asked God why Kirk and I couldn’t have had a carefree life: marriage, travel, health, house, children, a puppy and of course the white picket fence. Maybe that life doesn’t exist for anyone but I hope I never stop believing in my happily ever after, there are a couple chapters being added into my book but I believe we will get back on track soon.

I watched my nephew Roman last night and today. At this moment Roman is sitting in my lap snuggling up because naptime is soon. It soothes my heart that this little one loves me so much. When I leave a room he points and yells “T!!!” (Roman can’t say Auntie Sarah so I’m just the “T” out of Auntie) He makes me love him more and more each day.

In Ecclesiastes 3 the Bible says there is a time for everything. I know that I have shared these verses with you in the past but they are so important to me. God knows that each day brings new emotions, new trials, and new happiness. God also knows my every thought and He knows my heart so I am safe under the protection of His hand.

I don’t know what this time and season will bring but I am excited for new things. God has thrown new goals and desires in my heart…starting with Emalene. I never thought God would call me to run a business. I don’t know the first thing about it but God is with me in every step I take. Isn’t that comforting to know God is right alongside of you helping you accomplish the desires of your heart? Well it sure is comforting to me. Now I just need to work on my confidence levels.

I have to be honest with you and say I’m in need of confidence. I am being challenged by God and my husband about confidence in myself and I fail each test they throw at me. Is there a book “Confidence For Dummies?” Or how about a 1 hour class I can take for me to learn that I am pretty, smart, courageous and that I have the “know how” to run a business? I’m sure God will help me with this as well…all it takes is time.

Medical News:
I’m sure you really read my blog to hear about the medical stuff and could skip the above but this is my online diary that you have the key to.

Next week I have a couple procedures to look forward to. I have a Muga scan to check out my heart because one of the pain meds can affect my heart. The next thing I have is a P.E.T. scan to do a final check on my entire body for any signs of cancer. I thought since I am finished with most of my treatments for breast cancer I wanted a scan just to ease my mind and settle down the “what ifs”. The final procedure next week is a fill for my expanders. We are expanding very slowly so we don’t stress out my radiated skin.

On another note I have not needed to go into the infusion clinic for two weeks now. All that has changed is me drinking Alkaline water. God works in mysterious ways and if He can use simple water to heal me then let’s do it!

Thank you all for reading about Kirk’s and my life. Sometimes these posts get so crazy I think they should be turned into a book or a movie…okay now I’m getting ahead of myself. I love all of you and the prayer that you give me is amazing. There is power in prayer and I am walking proof of that!

Love Always,


Heather Mayer said...

I love that you are so honest in sharing how you feel! :) I appreciate that very much! I admire your strength and tenacity. I am praying for you and Kirk.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah,
I look forward to reading your diary. I worry when you haven't posted. A diary is for feelings and you are very good at expressing yourself. So do not hold back. I feel like you experience what most young women would be going through battling BC.
I kept a diary when I went through BC at a young age and it is a lot to deal with. But I can tell you that in time you will be fine.
You will have a new normal and all the good things life has to offer.
Barb in Snohomish