Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 269

Okay you know how swimsuit shopping is meltdown island for every woman? Try trying on swimsuits in my situation. I have the opportunity to go on a trip with my family and there is a pool and I am not going to let my cousin down and not join her swimming. But truthfully I felt so embarrassed trying on these tops that you can see scars from my port, scars from lymph node dissection and each side, darker skin lines from radiation and not to mention my four tattoo marks from radiation. I just felt very ugly and different. I hope in the future these feelings will change and I will learn to put the blinders on when it comes to my body but I want to love my body and not hide it. I want to be a sexy 25 year old that doesn’t wear a turtleneck swimsuit that goes down to my knees…my mother and father might be happier if I did plus I wouldn’t have to use so much sunscreen…look there’s light at the end of this tunnel! I just wish my body didn’t look like such a war zone and I felt comfortable in my own skin. God has the power to change my way of thinking and how I look at myself…anyway, isn’t it inside beauty that really counts?

I wanted to update my prayer request list a little differently tonight. I recently went to a counselor and I wrote down some things that have been twirling in my head and I wanted to share them with you so we can all be very specific in our prayers. Here it goes:

Independence. I need independence something fierce. I haven’t been able to drive because of the pain cocktail and it has really taken a toll on me mentally. I want to get out on the road just me and the Jetta.

Complete healing for nausea. This back and forth, wishy washy game needs to come to a close. God please intervene and take a stand for me. Heal my stomach or whatever is causing this horrible nausea.

Energy and Strength. My body needs to remember I’m on the mend and get well fast. Everything seems to be on the slow track from weak to strong but with prayer (…and the Wii Fit) it all can change!

Business Woman. Pray for the ability to start and upkeep my business. I need the drive and confidence to run a small business and I want to be proud of it. Also I need God’s creativity to rain down on me.

Expectations. I expect so much from myself and when I can’t achieve my goals I feel like I am a failure and don’t give myself grace. I let myself down and I don’t forgive myself. God let me let it all go.

Memories. Our apartment reminds me of having cancer and being sick in each and every room. We need God to set something in our laps (house/apt.) so I can heal in peace without painful memories.

So that’s the first six I could think of. Please pray with me and for me. I know I am not alone in this fight. I have many friends and family cheering me on and it comforts my soul. God please ease my troubled mind and hear these prayers. Your word says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that You did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love and of a sound mind. I will hold You to it God because I do not need to be fearful but I do need to have love and a sound mind.

Love Always,

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