Saturday, January 5, 2013

Isn't it funny how…

I truly thought my nights staring into the darkness of my bedroom ceiling were a thing of the past. I was enjoying not having anything to write about on my cancer journey blog but here I am in the wee hours of the morning just trying to make sense of it all.

My mother was diagnosed with bone cancer. She was told that it is incurable and that she has two years to live. Her doctor also explained that with bone cancer she will experience excruciating pain until it eventually takes her life.

Please tell me how I am supposed to handle this. I am at a loss. I don’t know what I should be doing or how I should be acting. My body is numb. I can’t sleep. I find myself lost in a sea of hopeless fear. My mind is filled with “what ifs” and nightmares that leave me feeling so very alone. Will we never be out of cancer’s hold on us? Will we never find our freedom from its grip?

My mother is the most important woman in my life. She was my first friend and has always been my best friend. Her courageous spirit and strong convictions have constantly set her apart and I strive to be like her in any way I can. I have been told that I am just like my mother and I can’t tell you how honored I am to be compared with such a pillar of strength and beauty.

My life changed direction the second I was told of her devastating diagnosis. We were set to move out of state in just a matter of weeks. All our belongings were already in storage and we had leads on apartments and jobs. It was our dream adventure and it was about to begin. Isn't it funny how one sentence can undo years of planning. Yes, I am grieving my lost adventure but would I choose my adventure over time spent with my mother? Absolutely not. Of course my mother being the woman she is begged us to reconsider giving up our adventure. How amazing and selfless is she that she would rather us achieve our hearts desires than us be with her in her time of need? She will always put her children’s wishes over her necessities.

So now I just wait. Wait for the growing anger and anguish to surface. Wait for my mother to get sick again. Wait for my family to fall apart. Wait for the next bomb to drop. What more can my family handle? What more can my heart withstand?

Please pray for my family in this time of uncertainty. We desperately need God’s comfort and his understanding. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Your unwavering love for my family is such a relief. It is so wonderful to know we are not alone.

Love Always,


Anonymous said...

Sweet Sarah,
I wish I could do something to take away the burdens, pain and uncertainty you carry. I'm angry too. It's not fair that she has fought so hard only to be hit again with another battle. Barb has been the pillar of love and unity in our family. I know I would not be who I am today without her. She has faithfully loved me more than my own siblings. She is not just a sister in law, she is a gift from God. She is so much more than a mother and friend to you, God gave you the very best because He loves you so much. He will be beside each one of us and especially Barb, your dad and you kids to carry your burdens and to carry you when you need Him to. I don't understand a lot of what happens in this life. I don't have to as long as I trust God. And I do. I have lost two siblings to cancer and I loved them both dearly but we were not as close as I am with Barb. This is far more painful. What can we do? Treasure every second, keep praying for the cancer to be removed in Jesus name, try to be real and release so we don't carry it all. Be healthy and support each other so she has less to worry about. You have handled every trial with grace and love. This will be no different. Please get the rest you need to stay healthy, even if it takes meds to shut your brain off at night. The enemy will use exhaustion & anxiety against you. Don't let him. We are all here for all of you. Anything, anytime. I hope there is a little comfort in knowing how much you and your family are loved. Praying without ceasing. Big big hugs, Auntie Lynda

Sarah said...

May God comfort you in this heavy trial. You are loved. You can do hard things.