Day 209

A Note From Sarah:
I might hold the record for being in the E.R. once a week for the past 5 weeks! Oh wait that is not a good thing. I tell ya when you start having a welcoming committee when you check in to the emergency room something has gone awry. I went to my doctor yesterday because of some nausea and extreme dizziness and before I knew it I was in a wheelchair heading for the next available bed. My heart rate was erratic, my dizziness was making me stumble and my nausea was hitting high notes. Another doctor, another medicine regiment, another I.V. and another “I’m sorry we don’t know what’s wrong with you”. After 5 weeks of visits my arm looks like a war zone and I have given so much blood and urine that they probably have enough to clone me. We got out of the E.R. late and prayed that this would be the last time but my logical brain wanted to ask them to have a bed ready in 6 days. I guess we will see what happens. Today I am doing much better. Like all the other times I feel great for at least 24 hours then I start sliding back down the mountain into the pit of despair. Going from sick to well to sick to well over and over is quite exhausting. Can’t I just be better? I have to start radiation soon and 5 days a week for 6 weeks is going to put me over the edge if I still have no relief from nausea and dizziness. What is it called when you get “past” the end of your rope? Insanity? Well whatever it is called I think Kirk and I are there. Whenever we get ahead it feels like we are pulled three steps backward. How much more “backwards” can we go before we fall off the cliff? I try to put my rose colored glasses on and see the positive around me but some days all I can see is just a horrible world tinted pink. I am reminded that my life could be worse. My mom told me about a girl who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and she is only 15. I wasn’t emotionally ready for breast cancer at 24 and she has to walk this road when she is only 15. My heart is breaking for her. I am so blessed that I was 24 when I was diagnosed…that’s an odd thing to say but it is truly a blessing that cancer waited this long. As I am writing this God is spiritually shaking me to wake up from this woe is me kick and see that my life is full of blessings and joy. I may not be able to see them right away but if I overlook the irritants at the surface of my life and look deeper I see a bright future with gifts and promises from God. Kirk’s dad said that if we could go through something this tough and hang on to God is the midst of it, then in future trials we would be “unstoppable”. I like the sound of that don’t you? To be unstoppable for God sounds great to me!

Thanks for taking the time to check in with me. I’m amazed at how many people my life is reaching. I’ll keep writing and you keep reading!

Love Always,
Sarah