Day 219

What do you want?
In the gospel of John the first words that are recorded from the lips of Jesus Christ are “What do you want?” I have been toiling over that question for a while and still I don’t have a true answer. I asked Kirk last night while we were driving home and he was puzzled for an answer as well. What do you want? Can you give an answer right away or do you have to really think about it? I guess if the question is coming from God I would expect my heart and mind to ponder before I spoke. Don’t you think? I mean if the question "What do you want?" was coming from my mom I would say “more yarn please, I’m almost out”. And my dad I would say “I’m craving your curry dinner, Daddy”. And to Kirk I wouldn’t miss a beat and shout with excitement “I want to go on vacation with you”. But what kind of answer would I give God? He already knows the desires of my heart and isn’t it silly that I can’t come up with a simple answer. I’m desperate for so many things and I can’t come up with an answer. Tell me this doesn’t have anything to do with having Chemo-brain! Would you be taken aback by this simple question too? Beth Moore puts it in a way that I can better wrap my head around, “What is that One thing that would make your life complete?” You know maybe it’s not so simple after all. I am a woman, even if cancer is trying to make me less of one, and with being a woman I think I complicate the simplest of things. Okay sisters I’m not trying to give up ground here to the men but girls we do this! (Sorry men who are joining Sarah’s Hope today, I’m just needing to band with my sisters at this moment.) If God were to be sitting across from me at my table and say “Sarah, what is it that you want? Just ask of your Father.” Just thinking about the scene makes me get butterflies down in my belly. Does He want a life changing answer like "I want all the promises that you have given me to come to pass" Or does He want a selfless answer like "world peace and the end of world hunger?" Could it be so simple as "Lord, I want to feel beautiful again?" I think it can be all those answers on different occasions. When we go to the Lord each day don’t you think He meets us at that place and says “Child, what can I do for you today?” God knows me and my answer will be different each and every day: strength, wisdom, a child, the spiritual gift of music, no nausea, for my scars to fade, for my marriage to never stop growing, the opportunity to travel, for emotional pain to be washed away. The list is endless and I hope I never stop coming to God with what I need for He is the only one who can truly satisfy my desires.

I am sitting in my living room wishing that I could be living my life instead of watching life go on without me through my windows. I know, I know I’ve been told numerous times this is a time for healing and rest but somehow I can’t settle on healing and rest being the only things that God will use me for in this time. I want my life to start! Can anyone blame me? I’ve been cooped up since March only having my good days being few and far apart. God has put such a fire in my soul to serve people not only here but in Africa, Australia, Europe and basically everywhere else but in my apartment. My mamma Lien shared a sermon from Israel Houghton and the message was "We are already sitting in the middle of his increase (blessing)". As I think about what Israel is saying I look around and I do see blessing all around me! I have a roof over my head, a "cancer free" bill of health, a husband who adores me, friends who support me and a family that would cross oceans for me. So if God asked me “Sarah, what is it that you want?” I’d be stumped again because I am sitting in the middle of His plan for my life. For as I sit in my confining apartment aching to spread my cramped wings and fly I am doing exactly what God wants me to do at this very point in my life. I am writing a blog, I am spending time with my family, I am having alone time with God, I am messing around with yarn and I am finding out what really matters in life. So when I think back to Beth Moore’s question, “What is that One thing that would make your life complete?” I would have to say I already have it but can I have more? Wouldn’t it make God smile ear to ear to ask his children “What do you want?” and for us to smile and say “more of you Father, just more of you”.

Love Always,
Sarah