Day 224

Only God could love a crazy woman like me...
Can someone just lock me up and throw away the key? For whose sake you may ask? Well, mostly for Kirk’s protection, but by the way I have been feeling and acting it might just be better if I was locked away from everyone. I can’t control my emotions. One minute I’m as high as a kite thinking about all my goals and the things I want to accomplish and the next minute I’m thinking even if I had 100 years I still couldn’t get everything done. Dwelling on everything that is holding me back, is not a positive way to spend the day, however that was my Wednesday. I was always…always told if I put my mind to it I could do anything but is that really true? My heart seems to think time doesn’t exist, money isn’t an object, and that my body is in tip top shape. My heart has so many big dreams that when another day passes and I’m still in the same place as yesterday I want to shake myself and say “You are dreaming too big for your own good. Dream something tangible so you don’t get disappointed”. God knows my heart and He puts things there to hold tight to and God is never wrong so I wait. I wait for the Lord to rain fulfilled promises over me. When I said “I do” I wanted a simple life. To travel, buy a house, have kids, get a dog and to grow old with the one I love. I guess that was too simple a life for me so God started adding things to my list of heart’s desires. Now it has gotten complicated and I don’t know where to turn so Kirk and I can move forward. I feel like I’m lost in life. What am I to do with my experience with breast cancer? Do I write a book? Go to every support group there is hoping to witness to those who are hurting? Do I become a counselor? What am I supposed to do with it? I’m lost. God has been with me and is with me even as I write this but while He is with me I am lost. I am lost but not alone which does give me comfort. I need a glance into the future just to know where Kirk and I should be headed. Should we get partnered up with a ministry in the U.S.? Should we step onto a plane to Africa and see what happens? Should I start speaking to any group that will listen? I want to be used for amazing things and I believe that God will keep His words to me but I am only human and time sure slows down once you are waiting for a promise to be fulfilled.

I took a step of faith this week and waded out in the water. I started having this intense desire to play the cello after Kirk and I got married. I want to have faith that this dream isn’t a passing whim but that God wants to use the cello so I can praise Him. The cello is a hard instrument to get my hands on so I’m starting with what our family has….a violin…Grandpa Lien’s violin. This violin has traveled the country with Grandpa and played many songs full of joy and praise and I am honored that it is resting in my hands. I took the steps of faith to get it freshened up, new strings, a new bow and prayed over both myself and the violin for miracles. The first note was shaky and didn’t sound the greatest but I kept on going. I kept on going until my eyes filled with tears and my arm sank to my side. My dream was right in front of me and I couldn’t play. Heaven help our neighbor’s ears. I laid everything down and cried. Nothing could stop the failure I felt. I felt stupid for not knowing what to do. I was embarrassed that anyone heard me. I ran to my room like a child and buried my face in my pillow and sobbed. That moment wasn’t only about my inability to play the violin, but about many other dreams that I have crumpled up and thrown away only to come back and smooth out their creases. So quickly I give up when things don’t go as I thought they would. I forget that amazing miracles can take time and walking in faith will make my Heavenly Father proud. So… sorry neighbors, I’m picking my violin back up, putting in my ear plugs and stepping out of the boat onto the water towards Jesus.

Love Always,
Sarah