Day 220

A Note From Sarah:
I have been feeling so energized these last couple days as you may be able to tell by my recent posts. God is challenging my thinking and He is just spilling out of my lips and out of my heart. I’m sorry to say I’m awaiting the backlash from the enemy for my wonderful ‘energetic, Ah-Ha’ last couple days but please pray that God will fight that battle for me and I don’t have to stand at the front lines like I have so many times. I hope you are finding God as I have been.

Today I spent the day at my parent’s house with my nephew Roman learning new things and exploring the unfamiliar. As he started on his breakfast we made funny faces and fed each other the dried fruit I had dehydrated last week. I’ve become quite the Suzy Home Maker since being locked up indoors for so long. Roman enjoys all the yummy snacks Auntie makes for him…I bet his mom and dad wouldn’t like the bits of cookies and ice cream I sneak in but what’s an auntie to do when he gives the ‘Roman face’? We played a version of tag and hide and seek, it was a mixture of both the games and it made it double the fun. I’m so happy to have the energy to keep up with the little monkey! In the middle of what seemed like the 100th time hiding behind the couch, Roman grabbed his blanket and let out a yawn. I scooped him up and downstairs we went for the classic nap movies. He picked out the most interesting box and snuggled in next to me. What a joy it is being this little baby’s auntie. I’m so proud of everything he does and I know it is because my baby sister is such a good mommy. Way to go Bets for having such a sweet Prince to call your own!

I’m switching gears so get ready for the change into another episode of “An Insider’s Look Into the Mind of Sarah Lien”. I’m starting out really cheesy so please forgive me but I watched a movie about a Disney Princess and ‘Happily Ever Afters’. I watched Mulan for nap time and it just about broke my heart. If you are not familiar with the movie it is about a girl who only wants to bring her family honor but she doesn’t fit in the perfect mold of what it normally implies. The main song is entitled ‘Reflections’. She sings “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know? When will my reflection show who I am inside?” Those words really hit a tender note in my heart. How can a Disney movie bring me to my emotional knees? I grew up wanting to be a Disney princess (and really who’s to say that I’m not…) so I am a sucker for these chest clenching songs but come on I’m 25 years old so I need to get a grip. Right? Maybe not because those words do ring true for me. I do stand in front of the mirror some days, most days, and not recognize who is staring back at me. I look completely different than I did this time last year. I had long hair, good color in my now tired cheeks, a sassy figure and an attitude to match. I had all the hopes in the world and I desperately wanted to start a family while traveling the world and never thinking my whole world would do a nose dive into an unfamiliar and frightening place. I can’t help but remember what my body used to look like. Do you want to know what I see when I look into the mirror? I see seven scars, four tattoo marks, a black and blue arm from IV needles, an un-natural chest that some days makes me cringe, cracks in my fingernails, pale skin, short hair, skinny arms and legs where muscle used to be and when I look into that mirror I see hollow, exhausted eyes staring back at me. You may not see those things when you see me but I am around “cancer Sarah” a lot these days and that is who I see in the mirror. Please look back at the words from the song before you shut your computer screens off and quickly call Kirk to make sure I’m not alone. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know? When will my reflection show who I am inside?” Who I see in the mirror is not always how I feel inside. That is the frustrating part! I have the desire to soar like the eagles! Hold my head up high and live each day with excitement for what comes next! Deep down I know I am beautiful in God’s eyes and I know I am beautiful in Kirk’s eyes also, Kirk tells me every morning and night but it somehow gets lost in all the other junk my mind is thinking. So when I look in the mirror and see a stranger my confidence level drops and I feel pain but the “Real Sarah” who is in here itching to be seen fights for me every day to remember who I am and who I am going to be. This is just a season that won’t last forever so I need to keep holding my head up above the water and trust that God knows what He is accomplishing in this time. And while I have an audience I will get up on my soap box and proclaim the wonders that He is doing in my life in the midst of this storm.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

This is my season to shine in a new and different way! Thank you for being a part of my life and for the support you give. I am always amazed.

Love Always,
Sarah

This was me in March, just before I started my battle against cancer. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, this is what I expect to see.