I'm Back!!!
I’m back and ready to stay at home...at least for a little while. First Minnesota then California, what was I thinking? I had some great fun with a little pain but man it was totally worth it. I feel like I’m living again! On the road and flying about the country is liberating. Excuse me "normal life", Here I Come! As you read in the last post Minnesota was very enjoyable. Spending time with our family is always a special treat and I can’t wait for them to come here and visit us in the summer. We were only home for one night between Minnesota and California so it was crazy packing. When we left Minnesota it was snowing and when we got to California the sun was shining with gusto so out came the sunscreen! It was fantastic until the clouds came and sent us running back to our hotel in our ponchos! Can you picture all of us in orange and white ponchos running through the rain to the tram? It was quite a sight to see. The sun did come out for one glorious day and we enjoyed every minute of it…my red cheeks and nose are proof! It was so much fun reconnecting with my cousin and her daughter. When you visit California you can’t miss a certain theme park sporting mouse ears can you? I was feeling good for the first two days but then the third day my weak legs couldn’t walk without pain searing through my body so guess what I got to do? Use an electronic scooter! I was so embarrassed that I wanted to stay behind but I did get my party in the fast lane a couple times so by the end of the day I was the superhero of the lines. The most wonderful thing about Minnesota and California besides family was I didn’t need to go into the hospital or need emergency meds at all! God sure gave me a gift these last couple weeks. I still haven’t needed to go into the hospital for nausea or dehydration so is this the turning point we have all been waiting for? Please pray with me that I have weathered the nausea and dehydration storm and God has healed my body completely. Thank you Lord for safety on our trips with lots of laughter and fun!
On to another note, March 16th was the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I know! Can you believe it? One year ago I was a woman seeking what to do next in life and BAM! I had a stage 3 rare aggressive breast cancer that could have taken my life at 24 years old. I feel the need to celebrate life! How would you celebrate life? Get a tattoo? Go skydiving? Buy my dream car? Take a trip around the world? Buy a house? I am at a loss at how to celebrate that I am alive and well. I am still in shock that I had my life flipped upside down but didn’t God do a miracle in the midst of a tragedy? He sure held us in His mighty hand through each trial and triumph. I want to do something amazing with my life….God saved me for a reason right? I guess I am wondering what my next step should be. What course do I take now? Where is God leading me? I am so ready to live yet I’m a little afraid. What if I can’t do what I used to? What if I don’t regain what I have lost? All I know is I have survived cancer and that I have more to do in this lifetime…I just have to wait and see where my path leads me.
Thanks for keeping me close to your heart in thoughts and prayer.
Love Always,
Sarah
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Day 270
How can being on vacation with your family wear you out? Isn’t vacationing supposed to be relaxing and rejuvenating? Well maybe not our family vacations. Between running through the house being the scary dragon to my niece and nephew, dancing to the Footloose soundtrack with my sister in the living room and walking on a frozen lake with my daring husband….I call that…FUN with a dash of ADVENTURE! I’m so happy when I spend time with family and friends my heart and mind heal…my body may take a bit longer but praise God that my soul is healing!
I wanted to share the news with you! I hope you think it is as exciting as I did when I heard it. My Muga heart scan came back perfect so that means no damage was done to my heart from medications or procedures. I would like to think other parts of me haven’t been damaged either and I have faith God has kept me safe. Also…..drumroll please……..my last PET scan came back CLEAR! No signs of cancer from the tip of my nose to the bottom of my toes. Isn’t that wonderful? I sure think so! I am officially cancer free and hope to stay that way for at least my 5 year goal of freedom from such a horrible affliction. And what a great way to celebrate a clean scan by going on a trip with my loved ones?
This week I also get to spend more time with family and that means more healing for my wounded soul and more laughter to tone my abs….doesn’t that count as exercise? It does in my book! Come on and join me and laugh your way to swimsuit season! Family is what counts, it keeps me going, it keeps me from giving up. How could I let my husband down by not greeting him at the door when he gets home from work? How can I let my niece down and not spin her around and around like a ballerina until both of us are so dizzy we look like bobbleheads? How can I let my nephew down and not cart him around in a Tupperware bin that he calls a “train”? How can I let my mom and dad down and not be the bossy first born….someone has got to be! I have to be Sarah…the girl everyone can count on and rely on to be there for each need. I want to be there. I need to be there. I don’t want cancer to take away my ability to be there for my family. No way in deed. I will be the cheerful greeter, the dragon, the train conductor, and of course the bossy first born. I will always be there for my family because my family will always be there for me.
Love Always,
Sarah
I wanted to share the news with you! I hope you think it is as exciting as I did when I heard it. My Muga heart scan came back perfect so that means no damage was done to my heart from medications or procedures. I would like to think other parts of me haven’t been damaged either and I have faith God has kept me safe. Also…..drumroll please……..my last PET scan came back CLEAR! No signs of cancer from the tip of my nose to the bottom of my toes. Isn’t that wonderful? I sure think so! I am officially cancer free and hope to stay that way for at least my 5 year goal of freedom from such a horrible affliction. And what a great way to celebrate a clean scan by going on a trip with my loved ones?
This week I also get to spend more time with family and that means more healing for my wounded soul and more laughter to tone my abs….doesn’t that count as exercise? It does in my book! Come on and join me and laugh your way to swimsuit season! Family is what counts, it keeps me going, it keeps me from giving up. How could I let my husband down by not greeting him at the door when he gets home from work? How can I let my niece down and not spin her around and around like a ballerina until both of us are so dizzy we look like bobbleheads? How can I let my nephew down and not cart him around in a Tupperware bin that he calls a “train”? How can I let my mom and dad down and not be the bossy first born….someone has got to be! I have to be Sarah…the girl everyone can count on and rely on to be there for each need. I want to be there. I need to be there. I don’t want cancer to take away my ability to be there for my family. No way in deed. I will be the cheerful greeter, the dragon, the train conductor, and of course the bossy first born. I will always be there for my family because my family will always be there for me.
Love Always,
Sarah
Vacation....oh how I love vacations!
We are heading to the airport now in MN going home to good ol Seattle! Lord please keep us all in your hand of protection as we travel home today. We had so much fun visiting family and friends. I will post pictures soon of all the fun we had. Thanks for keeping Kirk, my family and me in your prayers this last week.
Love Always,
Sarah
Love Always,
Sarah
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Nausea
As I sit writing to you I am holding on by a thread battling with nausea. I know it has been a long war with this enemy called nausea and I am at the mercy of God to keep me strong. I ask my family to pray when these waves of sickness come upon me and today my mother reminded me of something. My mom and dad are avid prayers for their daughters and I am so glad to have them in my corner of the ring. My mom prayed that no one knows my body better than God does. I know that but somehow it rings truer today. She prayed that even though she carried me in her womb she doesn’t have the know-how to what is hurting my body. She prayed that even though the doctors can do hundreds of scans and tests even they don’t have the know-how to what is hurting my body either. Only my Heavenly Father does and I have faith He will heal me when the time is right. Oh Lord let the time be near! I hold the Bible close to my heart and think of all the people Jesus healed just by words or by touch. God is bigger than this nausea and if I suffer I know God is suffering too with me and for me. As much as my earthly father yearns for my healing and strength I know my Heavenly Father wants me not to hurt even more.
I can’t remember where I heard this but I wanted to share it with you. A woman asks “Why do bad things happen to good people? Doesn’t God care?” She is answered with a story. If we were walking together and you fell and hurt yourself, did I mean for you to get hurt and want you to be in pain or would I stop, bring you to your feet and help you recover? That is what God does in our relationship. He walks with us each step and when we stumble or in my case… fall off a cliff; He doesn’t leave our side. He simply gathers us up in His arms and helps us heal; hour by hour, day by day, month by month or year by year. Only God can tell us when our hurting will cease but don’t you think it is amazing that He sticks with us through thick and thin. He is my rock in my storms…I hope He is yours.
Love Always,
Sarah
I can’t remember where I heard this but I wanted to share it with you. A woman asks “Why do bad things happen to good people? Doesn’t God care?” She is answered with a story. If we were walking together and you fell and hurt yourself, did I mean for you to get hurt and want you to be in pain or would I stop, bring you to your feet and help you recover? That is what God does in our relationship. He walks with us each step and when we stumble or in my case… fall off a cliff; He doesn’t leave our side. He simply gathers us up in His arms and helps us heal; hour by hour, day by day, month by month or year by year. Only God can tell us when our hurting will cease but don’t you think it is amazing that He sticks with us through thick and thin. He is my rock in my storms…I hope He is yours.
Love Always,
Sarah
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 269
Okay you know how swimsuit shopping is meltdown island for every woman? Try trying on swimsuits in my situation. I have the opportunity to go on a trip with my family and there is a pool and I am not going to let my cousin down and not join her swimming. But truthfully I felt so embarrassed trying on these tops that you can see scars from my port, scars from lymph node dissection and each side, darker skin lines from radiation and not to mention my four tattoo marks from radiation. I just felt very ugly and different. I hope in the future these feelings will change and I will learn to put the blinders on when it comes to my body but I want to love my body and not hide it. I want to be a sexy 25 year old that doesn’t wear a turtleneck swimsuit that goes down to my knees…my mother and father might be happier if I did plus I wouldn’t have to use so much sunscreen…look there’s light at the end of this tunnel! I just wish my body didn’t look like such a war zone and I felt comfortable in my own skin. God has the power to change my way of thinking and how I look at myself…anyway, isn’t it inside beauty that really counts?
I wanted to update my prayer request list a little differently tonight. I recently went to a counselor and I wrote down some things that have been twirling in my head and I wanted to share them with you so we can all be very specific in our prayers. Here it goes:
Independence. I need independence something fierce. I haven’t been able to drive because of the pain cocktail and it has really taken a toll on me mentally. I want to get out on the road just me and the Jetta.
Complete healing for nausea. This back and forth, wishy washy game needs to come to a close. God please intervene and take a stand for me. Heal my stomach or whatever is causing this horrible nausea.
Energy and Strength. My body needs to remember I’m on the mend and get well fast. Everything seems to be on the slow track from weak to strong but with prayer (…and the Wii Fit) it all can change!
Business Woman. Pray for the ability to start and upkeep my business. I need the drive and confidence to run a small business and I want to be proud of it. Also I need God’s creativity to rain down on me.
Expectations. I expect so much from myself and when I can’t achieve my goals I feel like I am a failure and don’t give myself grace. I let myself down and I don’t forgive myself. God let me let it all go.
Memories. Our apartment reminds me of having cancer and being sick in each and every room. We need God to set something in our laps (house/apt.) so I can heal in peace without painful memories.
So that’s the first six I could think of. Please pray with me and for me. I know I am not alone in this fight. I have many friends and family cheering me on and it comforts my soul. God please ease my troubled mind and hear these prayers. Your word says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that You did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love and of a sound mind. I will hold You to it God because I do not need to be fearful but I do need to have love and a sound mind.
Love Always,
Sarah
I wanted to update my prayer request list a little differently tonight. I recently went to a counselor and I wrote down some things that have been twirling in my head and I wanted to share them with you so we can all be very specific in our prayers. Here it goes:
Independence. I need independence something fierce. I haven’t been able to drive because of the pain cocktail and it has really taken a toll on me mentally. I want to get out on the road just me and the Jetta.
Complete healing for nausea. This back and forth, wishy washy game needs to come to a close. God please intervene and take a stand for me. Heal my stomach or whatever is causing this horrible nausea.
Energy and Strength. My body needs to remember I’m on the mend and get well fast. Everything seems to be on the slow track from weak to strong but with prayer (…and the Wii Fit) it all can change!
Business Woman. Pray for the ability to start and upkeep my business. I need the drive and confidence to run a small business and I want to be proud of it. Also I need God’s creativity to rain down on me.
Expectations. I expect so much from myself and when I can’t achieve my goals I feel like I am a failure and don’t give myself grace. I let myself down and I don’t forgive myself. God let me let it all go.
Memories. Our apartment reminds me of having cancer and being sick in each and every room. We need God to set something in our laps (house/apt.) so I can heal in peace without painful memories.
So that’s the first six I could think of. Please pray with me and for me. I know I am not alone in this fight. I have many friends and family cheering me on and it comforts my soul. God please ease my troubled mind and hear these prayers. Your word says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that You did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love and of a sound mind. I will hold You to it God because I do not need to be fearful but I do need to have love and a sound mind.
Love Always,
Sarah
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 268
Yesterday was a complete and total nightmare. As we were headed down to Seattle yesterday for Sarah's heart scan, she began to feel very nauseous. While we were in the waiting room, Sarah ran to the bathroom and threw up. Because she was so sick they gave her something to help her nausea. Sarah didn’t get almost any relief from that, but decided to carry on with the MUGA scan anyway. I am sure it took a lot of strength, but my sweet girl composed herself and laid still for the scan for about a half an hour. Finally she was done with the scan and we headed home. Once home I started her on two different anti-nausea medications and after a while she started to feel better.
This morning we are headed down to SCCA again for Sarah’s PET scan. This scan will show if there is any cancer left in her body. We know that there is not, but Sarah wanted to do this scan for her own peace of mind. Having said that, please pray for Sarah this morning because if there is cancer in her body still this scan will show it. Deep down we know Sarah is cancer free, but it is still scary to think about. Please pray for strength, peace of mind, and a great outcome.
Thanks for praying,
-Kirk
This morning we are headed down to SCCA again for Sarah’s PET scan. This scan will show if there is any cancer left in her body. We know that there is not, but Sarah wanted to do this scan for her own peace of mind. Having said that, please pray for Sarah this morning because if there is cancer in her body still this scan will show it. Deep down we know Sarah is cancer free, but it is still scary to think about. Please pray for strength, peace of mind, and a great outcome.
Thanks for praying,
-Kirk
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Info and Prayer Requests
Yesterday, when Sarah woke up, she had alot of nausea for some reason. Even though it has been two and a half weeks since she has needed to go into the infusion clinic (Hallelujah!), she made the decision to go in, not so much for the fluids, but more for the anti-nausea medication they have been authorized to give her. After one higher dose and about an hour nap, Sarah was feeling much better and was ready to go home. Today, we are headed down to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance because Sarah has a MUGA scan which checks the function of her heart. Sarah has been having some swelling in her feet and lower legs and although her Oncologist believes it to just be a sign of extended malnutrition, a heart scan is in order to be on the safe side. Tomorrow, Sarah is going down to Seattle again for a PET scan. This scan will cap off all of her cancer treatment and will prove that there is no longer any cancer in her body. While that may sound exciting (and truthfully it is) Sarah is not happy about having all of tese scans done. She is simply ready to be done with it all. Done with medication, done with doctor appointments, done with big scans, done with surgeries, done with having her expanders filled, just done. My poor girl has been through the ringer and I cannot blame her for wanting to be done.
Because of all the appointments she has coming up and all the meds that she is still having to take, Sarah feels alot like she is taking one step forward and five steps back. Her depression is really kicking up a notch and for this Sarah really needs some serious prayer. Her doctors did increase her dose of anti-depressants, but all that Sarah is going through is proving to be very hard to overcome.
Please pray that joy will soon find my sweet wife. Pray that excitement will soon find her eyes. Pray that she will be able to look forward to tomorrow instead of dreading the next day and what might hurt or how sick she could possibly be. Sarah does have some good days, but she desperately needs a good week, month, and year.
Thanks for your support and bring on the prayer!
-Kirk
Because of all the appointments she has coming up and all the meds that she is still having to take, Sarah feels alot like she is taking one step forward and five steps back. Her depression is really kicking up a notch and for this Sarah really needs some serious prayer. Her doctors did increase her dose of anti-depressants, but all that Sarah is going through is proving to be very hard to overcome.
Please pray that joy will soon find my sweet wife. Pray that excitement will soon find her eyes. Pray that she will be able to look forward to tomorrow instead of dreading the next day and what might hurt or how sick she could possibly be. Sarah does have some good days, but she desperately needs a good week, month, and year.
Thanks for your support and bring on the prayer!
-Kirk
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Day 267
I forget sometimes the feelings that I hold in so close to my heart. I have such an emotional rollercoaster when I think of certain topics…well mostly one. One word, and you all can probably guess it, children. Yes, children. I’m like a broken record when I say I long for them but you know when you are told you can’t have something and then you want it even more? That’s me all the way.
Kirk and I said we wanted to wait to have children for 4 years of marriage. We wanted to travel. We wanted to go on mission trips. We wanted to have bought a house. I barely have done any of those things but the longing is still there. I was recently talking to a friend who has two children plus a new baby and she is tired and needs a mommy resting day. At first I was like please just be happy you get to have this precious baby but after a few minutes I knew that if I was in her position I would need a mommy break x5! Every season women will have different emotions. I long for children now but looking on the bright side…Kirk and I could fly to Maui at a moment’s notice and not think anything about it. Without kids we can stay out at long as we want, spend money on dinner and a movie instead of diapers! When I think about it I’m so happy we don’t have kids during this time in our lives…could you imagine having kids when you are going through cancer? Cheers to the women who have done it and are doing it right now! You are my heroes!
I still get sad some days. A couple days ago I got a baby shower invitation in the mail and I just stood in the kitchen and cried. Tears slid down my cheeks as I asked God why Kirk and I couldn’t have had a carefree life: marriage, travel, health, house, children, a puppy and of course the white picket fence. Maybe that life doesn’t exist for anyone but I hope I never stop believing in my happily ever after, there are a couple chapters being added into my book but I believe we will get back on track soon.
I watched my nephew Roman last night and today. At this moment Roman is sitting in my lap snuggling up because naptime is soon. It soothes my heart that this little one loves me so much. When I leave a room he points and yells “T!!!” (Roman can’t say Auntie Sarah so I’m just the “T” out of Auntie) He makes me love him more and more each day.
In Ecclesiastes 3 the Bible says there is a time for everything. I know that I have shared these verses with you in the past but they are so important to me. God knows that each day brings new emotions, new trials, and new happiness. God also knows my every thought and He knows my heart so I am safe under the protection of His hand.
I don’t know what this time and season will bring but I am excited for new things. God has thrown new goals and desires in my heart…starting with Emalene. I never thought God would call me to run a business. I don’t know the first thing about it but God is with me in every step I take. Isn’t that comforting to know God is right alongside of you helping you accomplish the desires of your heart? Well it sure is comforting to me. Now I just need to work on my confidence levels.
I have to be honest with you and say I’m in need of confidence. I am being challenged by God and my husband about confidence in myself and I fail each test they throw at me. Is there a book “Confidence For Dummies?” Or how about a 1 hour class I can take for me to learn that I am pretty, smart, courageous and that I have the “know how” to run a business? I’m sure God will help me with this as well…all it takes is time.
Medical News:
I’m sure you really read my blog to hear about the medical stuff and could skip the above but this is my online diary that you have the key to.
Next week I have a couple procedures to look forward to. I have a Muga scan to check out my heart because one of the pain meds can affect my heart. The next thing I have is a P.E.T. scan to do a final check on my entire body for any signs of cancer. I thought since I am finished with most of my treatments for breast cancer I wanted a scan just to ease my mind and settle down the “what ifs”. The final procedure next week is a fill for my expanders. We are expanding very slowly so we don’t stress out my radiated skin.
On another note I have not needed to go into the infusion clinic for two weeks now. All that has changed is me drinking Alkaline water. God works in mysterious ways and if He can use simple water to heal me then let’s do it!
Thank you all for reading about Kirk’s and my life. Sometimes these posts get so crazy I think they should be turned into a book or a movie…okay now I’m getting ahead of myself. I love all of you and the prayer that you give me is amazing. There is power in prayer and I am walking proof of that!
Love Always,
Sarah
Kirk and I said we wanted to wait to have children for 4 years of marriage. We wanted to travel. We wanted to go on mission trips. We wanted to have bought a house. I barely have done any of those things but the longing is still there. I was recently talking to a friend who has two children plus a new baby and she is tired and needs a mommy resting day. At first I was like please just be happy you get to have this precious baby but after a few minutes I knew that if I was in her position I would need a mommy break x5! Every season women will have different emotions. I long for children now but looking on the bright side…Kirk and I could fly to Maui at a moment’s notice and not think anything about it. Without kids we can stay out at long as we want, spend money on dinner and a movie instead of diapers! When I think about it I’m so happy we don’t have kids during this time in our lives…could you imagine having kids when you are going through cancer? Cheers to the women who have done it and are doing it right now! You are my heroes!
I still get sad some days. A couple days ago I got a baby shower invitation in the mail and I just stood in the kitchen and cried. Tears slid down my cheeks as I asked God why Kirk and I couldn’t have had a carefree life: marriage, travel, health, house, children, a puppy and of course the white picket fence. Maybe that life doesn’t exist for anyone but I hope I never stop believing in my happily ever after, there are a couple chapters being added into my book but I believe we will get back on track soon.
I watched my nephew Roman last night and today. At this moment Roman is sitting in my lap snuggling up because naptime is soon. It soothes my heart that this little one loves me so much. When I leave a room he points and yells “T!!!” (Roman can’t say Auntie Sarah so I’m just the “T” out of Auntie) He makes me love him more and more each day.
In Ecclesiastes 3 the Bible says there is a time for everything. I know that I have shared these verses with you in the past but they are so important to me. God knows that each day brings new emotions, new trials, and new happiness. God also knows my every thought and He knows my heart so I am safe under the protection of His hand.
I don’t know what this time and season will bring but I am excited for new things. God has thrown new goals and desires in my heart…starting with Emalene. I never thought God would call me to run a business. I don’t know the first thing about it but God is with me in every step I take. Isn’t that comforting to know God is right alongside of you helping you accomplish the desires of your heart? Well it sure is comforting to me. Now I just need to work on my confidence levels.
I have to be honest with you and say I’m in need of confidence. I am being challenged by God and my husband about confidence in myself and I fail each test they throw at me. Is there a book “Confidence For Dummies?” Or how about a 1 hour class I can take for me to learn that I am pretty, smart, courageous and that I have the “know how” to run a business? I’m sure God will help me with this as well…all it takes is time.
Medical News:
I’m sure you really read my blog to hear about the medical stuff and could skip the above but this is my online diary that you have the key to.
Next week I have a couple procedures to look forward to. I have a Muga scan to check out my heart because one of the pain meds can affect my heart. The next thing I have is a P.E.T. scan to do a final check on my entire body for any signs of cancer. I thought since I am finished with most of my treatments for breast cancer I wanted a scan just to ease my mind and settle down the “what ifs”. The final procedure next week is a fill for my expanders. We are expanding very slowly so we don’t stress out my radiated skin.
On another note I have not needed to go into the infusion clinic for two weeks now. All that has changed is me drinking Alkaline water. God works in mysterious ways and if He can use simple water to heal me then let’s do it!
Thank you all for reading about Kirk’s and my life. Sometimes these posts get so crazy I think they should be turned into a book or a movie…okay now I’m getting ahead of myself. I love all of you and the prayer that you give me is amazing. There is power in prayer and I am walking proof of that!
Love Always,
Sarah
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Day 266
I used my hair dryer!
This might be a puff piece to you but all I’ve got to say is Wow! The dryer doesn’t do exactly what it used to do to my hair but I’ll figure it out. Right now it just makes my curly short hair fluffy and not what we would call stylish but it is something new and I’m all for it. Next time you use your hair dryer cherish it because I had no reason to use mine for close to a year and it was not the most fun thing I’ve done with my hair.
Okay I’m just going to come out and say it…some or most of you already know this but I’m depressed. This whole last year has stripped all of the “old Sarah” away and this “right now Sarah” isn’t cutting it for me or for Kirk. I don’t know who I am right now. I constantly let myself down with what I can’t do and then feel like a horrible wife for not getting anything done because I’m so weak. Some days I stare at a basket full of laundry and just melt to the floor and weep. I want to be strong enough to get the laundry done but I can’t muster up an ounce of strength in order to just think of the first step. Have you ever had one of those moments? I am having one of those moments just about every day. The dishes, laundry, a dusty shelf, and a messy bed are huge obstacles for me to conquer and sadly most days I am defeated. I am lucky though because Kirk’s mom comes and cleans for me; I am so grateful but deep down I am embarrassed that I can’t clean my own house. I have so many things getting the best of me right now but my main worst enemy is myself. I put so much pressure on myself to get things done by a certain time and when the deadline comes and goes I feel like a failure. I need help with all of this but where do I start? When I am feeling better this drive to accomplish things and giving myself deadlines will be great especially if I want to run a business but right now I need to give myself a break. Where’s the switch in my brain that tells me to calm down and rest? I also want to be honest with you and say my marriage has changed because of cancer…what marriage wouldn’t I guess. Things just are different between us. Kirk has seen the ugliest parts of his wife and while he loves me more because of it, I am so embarrassed. I hate for him to see my scars. I feel ugly in front of him. We used to laugh and play like newlyweds but all of that has been stolen away from us and I hate it. I want the playfulness to come back but maybe it can’t after you see your spouse lose all her hair, throw up in the car, change dressings after surgeries and gain weight from meds and chemotherapy. Again Kirk would say all this has brought us closer together but for me it has robbed me of my dignity. I want some secrets from my husband like him seeing me hover over the toilet for hours because of my stomach…I could go to the grave without him having that in his memory. Both Kirk and I want things to change for the better. However, things have negatively changed for us and we are the first ones to say “No way! We are not going to be like this…we want our old selves back and we will fight for it till the end”.
With saying all that you may say “Sarah, you need to go to a counselor!” and I will cut you off before you are done and say “Boy, do I know it”. Yesterday we had our first session with a counselor who is not only familiar with medicine and its effects but also she is familiar with cancer and everything that comes along with it. I want to talk to her for hours and hours so I can let my brain rest but I’ll have to wait till next time. She partners with Seattle Cancer Alliance so Seattle is where we have to travel to get the best treatment. Sorry Jetta for all the miles we are putting on you but I gotta do what I gotta do.
Please pray for progress to be made for Kirk’s and my relationship. My friendship with my husband is so important to me and I don’t know what I would do without his laughter. Just keep us in your prayers. God is powerful and He answers prayer. Be grateful for what you have and ask Him for what you need. Please just pray a special prayer for Kirk and me. I love you all. Thank you.
Love Always,
Sarah
This might be a puff piece to you but all I’ve got to say is Wow! The dryer doesn’t do exactly what it used to do to my hair but I’ll figure it out. Right now it just makes my curly short hair fluffy and not what we would call stylish but it is something new and I’m all for it. Next time you use your hair dryer cherish it because I had no reason to use mine for close to a year and it was not the most fun thing I’ve done with my hair.
Okay I’m just going to come out and say it…some or most of you already know this but I’m depressed. This whole last year has stripped all of the “old Sarah” away and this “right now Sarah” isn’t cutting it for me or for Kirk. I don’t know who I am right now. I constantly let myself down with what I can’t do and then feel like a horrible wife for not getting anything done because I’m so weak. Some days I stare at a basket full of laundry and just melt to the floor and weep. I want to be strong enough to get the laundry done but I can’t muster up an ounce of strength in order to just think of the first step. Have you ever had one of those moments? I am having one of those moments just about every day. The dishes, laundry, a dusty shelf, and a messy bed are huge obstacles for me to conquer and sadly most days I am defeated. I am lucky though because Kirk’s mom comes and cleans for me; I am so grateful but deep down I am embarrassed that I can’t clean my own house. I have so many things getting the best of me right now but my main worst enemy is myself. I put so much pressure on myself to get things done by a certain time and when the deadline comes and goes I feel like a failure. I need help with all of this but where do I start? When I am feeling better this drive to accomplish things and giving myself deadlines will be great especially if I want to run a business but right now I need to give myself a break. Where’s the switch in my brain that tells me to calm down and rest? I also want to be honest with you and say my marriage has changed because of cancer…what marriage wouldn’t I guess. Things just are different between us. Kirk has seen the ugliest parts of his wife and while he loves me more because of it, I am so embarrassed. I hate for him to see my scars. I feel ugly in front of him. We used to laugh and play like newlyweds but all of that has been stolen away from us and I hate it. I want the playfulness to come back but maybe it can’t after you see your spouse lose all her hair, throw up in the car, change dressings after surgeries and gain weight from meds and chemotherapy. Again Kirk would say all this has brought us closer together but for me it has robbed me of my dignity. I want some secrets from my husband like him seeing me hover over the toilet for hours because of my stomach…I could go to the grave without him having that in his memory. Both Kirk and I want things to change for the better. However, things have negatively changed for us and we are the first ones to say “No way! We are not going to be like this…we want our old selves back and we will fight for it till the end”.
With saying all that you may say “Sarah, you need to go to a counselor!” and I will cut you off before you are done and say “Boy, do I know it”. Yesterday we had our first session with a counselor who is not only familiar with medicine and its effects but also she is familiar with cancer and everything that comes along with it. I want to talk to her for hours and hours so I can let my brain rest but I’ll have to wait till next time. She partners with Seattle Cancer Alliance so Seattle is where we have to travel to get the best treatment. Sorry Jetta for all the miles we are putting on you but I gotta do what I gotta do.
Please pray for progress to be made for Kirk’s and my relationship. My friendship with my husband is so important to me and I don’t know what I would do without his laughter. Just keep us in your prayers. God is powerful and He answers prayer. Be grateful for what you have and ask Him for what you need. Please just pray a special prayer for Kirk and me. I love you all. Thank you.
Love Always,
Sarah
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Great News!
Sarah made the decision this week to not go into the infusion clinic at all for extra fluids! She is drinking a different type of water at home and so far so good. Her body seems to be staying hydrated much better. Sarah would be ecstatic if she could stop having to go into the infusion clinic. As far as Sarah's health goes, this week has been pretty good. Please pray with us that this trend continues. Sarah had her expanders partly filled again today. This was the first time since before radiation and its exciting, but at the same time we need to be sure that Sarah doesn't experience any pain from these fills. Please also pray that this weekend will be a relaxing time for Sarah that is pain and nausea free.
-Kirk & Sarah
-Kirk & Sarah
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Day 265
What in the world am I doing? I’m starting a business while I’m still on the on outskirts of getting well from cancer treatments. I am crazy or just ambitious? I’m going with crazy. I have set up a tiny office in my second bedroom with inspirational things to keep me smiling and focused but seriously my confidence is dwindling. I think that is the main reason that I started the Beth Moore Confidence study. Beth Moore can say so many deep and inspirational things that rock my core. I can spring into action and say these things to another person such as a friend who is in need or another cancer survivor that needs a pick me up after hearing test results. But when I read these words and try to have them sink in or straighten up my posture and speak them out loud hoping to spur the confined Sarah just waiting to spring into life; I just feel dumb and wait for something to happen and by the way nothing ever does.
Maybe if I share what I learned today with you I will be taught again and maybe just maybe someone will be changed because of what I chose to write about today.
Do not throw away your confidence. Why do we never feel good enough? Not good enough for others, not good enough for jobs, not good enough for ourselves and mostly not good enough for God? Beth Moore stated today “God can make the simplest person stunningly wise”. Really? I need to be wise so badly because I feel like the simplest woman on the face of this planet. Before March 2010 I had my life figured out. Kirk and I were going to travel for mission trips and pleasure, Buy a fixer upper home, bring home a dog from the shelter for a second chance, have babies, you know the whole white picket fence sort of life. When does everything change and why does it have to change to fast? “We have been created with brilliance because we were created in the image of God”. Does that put pressure on anyone else? I have been created in the image of a God I cannot ever fully understand but love with all my heart. As I think of everything that I think I could be better at. Being a woman of God, being a godly wife, daughter, and sister, being a business woman, being a spiritual mentor, someday being a mother. You can see I have a lot on my mind that I think I could easily fail at and that is why I’m so heavily seeking God confidence in each goal. The enemy is desperately looking for treasures that we have trashed so he can attack us where it really counts. Like right now I’m trying very hard to start my business, Emalene. It’s a simple business where I want to sell my baby/toddler hats and it has been my dream for a year now. The enemy knows how very important Emalene is to me for my confidence and independence and he is shooting his piercing arrows right where they will do the most damage. I look at my hats now and think they are hideous. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t take myself seriously as anything but a sick woman ridden with cancer scars. I think of myself as an untrained, unwise, and unrealistic girl that has put time and energy into something that might make me fall on my face in front of a million people. The enemy is shooting his arrows pretty accurately these days and I am losing my strength to hold up my shield to block them; I’m starting to believe everything but God is whispering to me “Pull your confidence out of the trash can and stand tall”. Ladies and Gents If God is behind me then I will not fail but it is so hard taking on a new venture. I need my brain to think about Emalene instead of cancer. Cancer cannot run my life anymore. It can derail my train cars once in a while but only for a short while and then I have to get back on my path to victory that God has laid out for me. He has paved the way and I won’t let Him down not to walk on it!
Please pray for me to have a sound mind in Christ. I need some serious prayer for strength and confidence in trying new things…I don’t want to only be known for cancer anymore. I want to be known for following the way of the Lord and being a light in the darkness. Thank you for your confidence in me!
Love Always,
Sarah
Maybe if I share what I learned today with you I will be taught again and maybe just maybe someone will be changed because of what I chose to write about today.
Do not throw away your confidence. Why do we never feel good enough? Not good enough for others, not good enough for jobs, not good enough for ourselves and mostly not good enough for God? Beth Moore stated today “God can make the simplest person stunningly wise”. Really? I need to be wise so badly because I feel like the simplest woman on the face of this planet. Before March 2010 I had my life figured out. Kirk and I were going to travel for mission trips and pleasure, Buy a fixer upper home, bring home a dog from the shelter for a second chance, have babies, you know the whole white picket fence sort of life. When does everything change and why does it have to change to fast? “We have been created with brilliance because we were created in the image of God”. Does that put pressure on anyone else? I have been created in the image of a God I cannot ever fully understand but love with all my heart. As I think of everything that I think I could be better at. Being a woman of God, being a godly wife, daughter, and sister, being a business woman, being a spiritual mentor, someday being a mother. You can see I have a lot on my mind that I think I could easily fail at and that is why I’m so heavily seeking God confidence in each goal. The enemy is desperately looking for treasures that we have trashed so he can attack us where it really counts. Like right now I’m trying very hard to start my business, Emalene. It’s a simple business where I want to sell my baby/toddler hats and it has been my dream for a year now. The enemy knows how very important Emalene is to me for my confidence and independence and he is shooting his piercing arrows right where they will do the most damage. I look at my hats now and think they are hideous. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t take myself seriously as anything but a sick woman ridden with cancer scars. I think of myself as an untrained, unwise, and unrealistic girl that has put time and energy into something that might make me fall on my face in front of a million people. The enemy is shooting his arrows pretty accurately these days and I am losing my strength to hold up my shield to block them; I’m starting to believe everything but God is whispering to me “Pull your confidence out of the trash can and stand tall”. Ladies and Gents If God is behind me then I will not fail but it is so hard taking on a new venture. I need my brain to think about Emalene instead of cancer. Cancer cannot run my life anymore. It can derail my train cars once in a while but only for a short while and then I have to get back on my path to victory that God has laid out for me. He has paved the way and I won’t let Him down not to walk on it!
Please pray for me to have a sound mind in Christ. I need some serious prayer for strength and confidence in trying new things…I don’t want to only be known for cancer anymore. I want to be known for following the way of the Lord and being a light in the darkness. Thank you for your confidence in me!
Love Always,
Sarah
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Day 264
Thank you all for your messages assuring me that it is okay to have a bad day…or two…and be honest about it. I try and try to sweep my emotions under the rug but you know how it is; one day the ugly dust monster comes out to play when company has just arrived! I guess all I wanted to say is thank you for sticking with me and being my cheering squad who has got my back!
I’m trying to get better with my emotions. They are just so ugly with no sign of any hope. Sarah’s Hope, I know but it’s hard to have hope each day. New challenges are brought forth each day and when you are already on the breaking point I must be careful of what I take on. But I do need something to get out of bed for…as thrilling as getting up to a hurting body and taking pills every 4, 6, and 24 hours seems it’s not too glamorous. I have mentioned starting up my own business in the past but I’m finally going to do it! I need that “something” to get out of bed for. I need that sense of purpose! I got myself all geared up today about what amazing things I could do while brainstorming for my “baby” when I felt a tiny twinge of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. Fear does NOT come from our Lord. Victory comes from our Lord along with all-consuming love. I was having such a hard time dealing with fear and self-esteem issues I went to my spiritual mentor Beth Moore to get an espresso shot of God. This is a study I have done before but how many times can you hear the truth? A million times for me! Man did I need a jump start today and boy did I get one. Beth starts out saying Do not throw away your confidence and pray for the gift of God confidence. Hebrews 10: 35-36 says “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to preserve so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” I have to say I have been throwing my confidence in the trash can and turning on the trash compactor on it…how is it ever going to survive? It is so hard to be strong these days for me…I bet it is hard for all of us to be strong so please don’t think I think I’m the only one going through struggles. Another topic Beth touched on is if we are constantly being hit in the areas of our effectiveness we ought to figure out very quickly that it is the enemy’s attacks that are breaking us down and not just a bad day. The enemy knows our weaknesses very well and he uses his knowledge when we are at our weakest or when we are doing our best. The enemy doesn’t want me to start my business because my little business will help children in Africa, prove that there is life after cancer, spread my story even farther than it has gone already and most importantly let the world know that God is the center of my world and He should be the center of yours. I have big dreams but I’d rather have big dreams than no dreams.
My body hurts but I’m not letting the enemy keep me in bed. I’m not letting him be grumpy to my husband. I’m not letting him wash away my confidence because I am praying for the gift of God confidence. People don’t throw away your confidence…you have a right to it so stand tall and fight for it!
Love Always,
Sarah
I’m trying to get better with my emotions. They are just so ugly with no sign of any hope. Sarah’s Hope, I know but it’s hard to have hope each day. New challenges are brought forth each day and when you are already on the breaking point I must be careful of what I take on. But I do need something to get out of bed for…as thrilling as getting up to a hurting body and taking pills every 4, 6, and 24 hours seems it’s not too glamorous. I have mentioned starting up my own business in the past but I’m finally going to do it! I need that “something” to get out of bed for. I need that sense of purpose! I got myself all geared up today about what amazing things I could do while brainstorming for my “baby” when I felt a tiny twinge of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. Fear does NOT come from our Lord. Victory comes from our Lord along with all-consuming love. I was having such a hard time dealing with fear and self-esteem issues I went to my spiritual mentor Beth Moore to get an espresso shot of God. This is a study I have done before but how many times can you hear the truth? A million times for me! Man did I need a jump start today and boy did I get one. Beth starts out saying Do not throw away your confidence and pray for the gift of God confidence. Hebrews 10: 35-36 says “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to preserve so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” I have to say I have been throwing my confidence in the trash can and turning on the trash compactor on it…how is it ever going to survive? It is so hard to be strong these days for me…I bet it is hard for all of us to be strong so please don’t think I think I’m the only one going through struggles. Another topic Beth touched on is if we are constantly being hit in the areas of our effectiveness we ought to figure out very quickly that it is the enemy’s attacks that are breaking us down and not just a bad day. The enemy knows our weaknesses very well and he uses his knowledge when we are at our weakest or when we are doing our best. The enemy doesn’t want me to start my business because my little business will help children in Africa, prove that there is life after cancer, spread my story even farther than it has gone already and most importantly let the world know that God is the center of my world and He should be the center of yours. I have big dreams but I’d rather have big dreams than no dreams.
My body hurts but I’m not letting the enemy keep me in bed. I’m not letting him be grumpy to my husband. I’m not letting him wash away my confidence because I am praying for the gift of God confidence. People don’t throw away your confidence…you have a right to it so stand tall and fight for it!
Love Always,
Sarah
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Day 263
What am I to do? Be happy? Be sad? I can’t stand not knowing what to think or what to feel. I actually know what I think and feel but how boring and dreary would that be writing about my pain and suffering every day? With each post, I want to share how I am healing, how my life has changed and what amazing things I am going to do with my new found desire for life, but I am consumed with pain, anxiousness, weakness and hopelessness. My blog is Sarah’s Hope but what happens when Sarah has a very serious lack of hope right now?
I thought after my treatments with chemotherapy, surgeries and radiation I would be on the road to recovering. Nothing is farther from that goal! It feels like I’m weaker each day but then I have one day where my body doesn’t hurt that bad and I feel like my life is turning around but the joke is always on me to get my hopes up and have them be trampled on for when I wake up the next day I can barely move out of bed. I’m 25! What 25 year old feels like garbage each day and prays for God to intervene so she can live…actually live? Right now I’m living from alarm clock to alarm clock for pain medications, drinking special water for body health, going to the hospital twice a week for dehydration and taking naps every chance I can get. I want to drive. I want to be left alone for more than 2 hours before someone calls to check if I’ve fallen down. I want to start my own business. I want to work with flowers and babies and to organize. I want to feel normal. I want to feel free. I want to be talked to about something other than cancer…but that’s the thing…nothing, absolutely nothing is happening for me except cancer so conversation topics are limited. I feel like I’m on a deserted island…trapped… and have written HELP in the sand waiting for an airplane to see my distress call…will anyone ever see my help sign? I need something special in my life. I need a break. I need something that I want to get out of bed for. I know I’m still defending my life from cancer but is that all I can do right now? Maybe it is but I’m pleading that it isn’t all that I can do. I am a girl who has survived the first attacks of breast cancer but that is not who I really am…it is what I have done. Who I am is a young woman looking for more out of life. I want so much and I am so afraid that cancer had defeated me by defining who I am. Will the world forget my name after I don’t have traumatic things happening to me each and every week? What am I doing but being sick? I want my To: Sarah, From: God package to come complete with a guide book “What to Do Next”. I have a mind full of wonder, excitement, and dreams but I barely have the energy to write all of them down. It just isn’t fair. I want to do something to help the children of Africa. I want to do something to help women who are walking in the same pink ribbon shoes that I am walking in. I want to count down the days to when I can call myself a mother. You can see I have many dreams and I need help getting to fulfill all of them but first comes my strength and health. I just get overwhelmed at times and break down. Only God knows what my husband thinks when he comes home from work and I am crying while doing dishes or sobbing over a wrinkled shirt wondering if my life is over. I’m just on the border line of being alright and the strange thing is I fear I will never be whole again.
Again something comes up and I can’t post on the blog until the night! I went shopping with my mom and my nephew today for about 2 hours and after I got back home I started to throw up uncontrollably. Kirk and I had to cancel our dinner plans with friends and schedule instead for me to go to the hospital for fluids and anti-nausea medication…this is my life! Will it ever get better?
Thank you for listening to me have a meltdown. You are always there to hear me celebrate good times and try to forget hard times. God bless you all.
Love Always,
Sarah
I thought after my treatments with chemotherapy, surgeries and radiation I would be on the road to recovering. Nothing is farther from that goal! It feels like I’m weaker each day but then I have one day where my body doesn’t hurt that bad and I feel like my life is turning around but the joke is always on me to get my hopes up and have them be trampled on for when I wake up the next day I can barely move out of bed. I’m 25! What 25 year old feels like garbage each day and prays for God to intervene so she can live…actually live? Right now I’m living from alarm clock to alarm clock for pain medications, drinking special water for body health, going to the hospital twice a week for dehydration and taking naps every chance I can get. I want to drive. I want to be left alone for more than 2 hours before someone calls to check if I’ve fallen down. I want to start my own business. I want to work with flowers and babies and to organize. I want to feel normal. I want to feel free. I want to be talked to about something other than cancer…but that’s the thing…nothing, absolutely nothing is happening for me except cancer so conversation topics are limited. I feel like I’m on a deserted island…trapped… and have written HELP in the sand waiting for an airplane to see my distress call…will anyone ever see my help sign? I need something special in my life. I need a break. I need something that I want to get out of bed for. I know I’m still defending my life from cancer but is that all I can do right now? Maybe it is but I’m pleading that it isn’t all that I can do. I am a girl who has survived the first attacks of breast cancer but that is not who I really am…it is what I have done. Who I am is a young woman looking for more out of life. I want so much and I am so afraid that cancer had defeated me by defining who I am. Will the world forget my name after I don’t have traumatic things happening to me each and every week? What am I doing but being sick? I want my To: Sarah, From: God package to come complete with a guide book “What to Do Next”. I have a mind full of wonder, excitement, and dreams but I barely have the energy to write all of them down. It just isn’t fair. I want to do something to help the children of Africa. I want to do something to help women who are walking in the same pink ribbon shoes that I am walking in. I want to count down the days to when I can call myself a mother. You can see I have many dreams and I need help getting to fulfill all of them but first comes my strength and health. I just get overwhelmed at times and break down. Only God knows what my husband thinks when he comes home from work and I am crying while doing dishes or sobbing over a wrinkled shirt wondering if my life is over. I’m just on the border line of being alright and the strange thing is I fear I will never be whole again.
Again something comes up and I can’t post on the blog until the night! I went shopping with my mom and my nephew today for about 2 hours and after I got back home I started to throw up uncontrollably. Kirk and I had to cancel our dinner plans with friends and schedule instead for me to go to the hospital for fluids and anti-nausea medication…this is my life! Will it ever get better?
Thank you for listening to me have a meltdown. You are always there to hear me celebrate good times and try to forget hard times. God bless you all.
Love Always,
Sarah
Friday, February 11, 2011
Day 262
I wanted to start a little different today. Below are some questions I frequently get asked and I wanted to share my answers to all my readers. I hope you enjoy seeing a peek into my soul…it is damaged and bruised but it will push on.
How is your pain doing?
My pain is overwhelming. I have been in touch with the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance Pain Clinic at least once a week trying new medications and dose changes. I feel weaker than ever and I seem to only get worse as the weeks go by. Today I started a new medication cocktail but I must wait 24-48 hours for it to fully kick in. I’m praying that this will be the last “new” medication we will have to try and I will finally receive some relief. My pain level is normally at an 8, which is very high, but with this new cocktail it should go down to a more manageable number such as a 5.
What is the hardest thing you are going through this week?
There are a few things I am having trouble with this last week. I am having trouble with feeling like I don’t have the strength to do anything on my own. I get panicked that in the middle of most activities I have to take a break and rest… for goodness sakes…..I’m 25 years old I shouldn’t have to take a rest after folding laundry! I am also feeling like such a horrible wife. I am unable to clean our house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, cook a meal, well basically everything that a wife is supposed to do. I feel like Kirk should run away from me because I am the neediest woman on the face of the planet. I push myself as hard as I can to do the dishes before Kirk comes home to the point of tears because my legs are too weak to stand but I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t get them done. I’m losing my mind being this weak. God help me be strong! Not just on the inside but on the outside too! Another issue that is becoming a major problem is my dignity. Because of all the things I have had to go through, medical appointments, weight issues, bleeding issues, hospital visits, and personal questions from every medical form possible I feel like I have lost all but an ounce of my dignity. I have no secrets from the world. I have no secrets from my husband…trust me it is good to have some secrets from your spouse. Such as how many times you can throw up in the car in a single trip or what your head looks like when patches of hair are missing. This week has not been the worst week ever but it is one of the few I won’t be forgetting.
What is the one thing you want to do but you are unable to right now?
I want to fly. Not crazy fly like a bird but I want to get on an airplane and fly to Maui. I need a Maui trip more than anything right now. You have no idea how that island soothes the soul. God took special time creating my island and I am desperate to get back there and enjoy it.
What scares you in your treatment process at this time?
Most of my treatment processes are over right now but there is one that hasn’t started yet and it is scaring me already. My hormone therapy. Hormone therapy should keep my estrogen levels down enough to keep the cancer from returning. I haven’t started the medication yet so technically there is nothing keeping the cancer from returning. That is a little unnerving right now.
Who is your angel in disguise these days?
You may have guessed it but I have many! First of all I have my husband. This man doesn’t complain after he comes home and I haven’t had the strength to get out of bed and pick up the house. He doesn’t get upset that I don’t have the energy to go anywhere and we are stuck sitting on the couch all weekend. Kirk is just satisfied being with me, caring for me, loving me and holding me while I cry. If Kirk isn’t an angel sent to me from God I don’t know what he is.
More angels…my family! Each and every member of my family. Especially my mom. My mom pushes me to live. She pushes me to get stronger. She pushes me to stand tall and fight for what is mine. A big reason why I fight hard is because I have a strong woman holding me up and her name is Barb Hawkins, my mother. She has walked the road before me and now she walks the road beside me. I love you mom. I couldn’t do this without your guidance and confidence.
Is it hard keeping up your smile?
Yes. It is hard to keep smiling when my heart is breaking and tears are only seconds away. It is hard to keep smiling when all I want to do is hide my face and scream in frustration. The hardest part of keeping a smile on my face is the fact that all I want to do is smile for real. I want joy to conquer all. I want victory over cancer and smile because I have won. I smile because I know one day I will have victory and that my life will be wonderful again. Kirk and I will succeed and we will have our happily ever after…at last.
Thanks for holding me close to your hearts as you watch me walk this journey. Pray Pray Pray and then Pray some more. The Lord listens to his children and I know He hears our every word.
Love Always,
Sarah
How is your pain doing?
My pain is overwhelming. I have been in touch with the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance Pain Clinic at least once a week trying new medications and dose changes. I feel weaker than ever and I seem to only get worse as the weeks go by. Today I started a new medication cocktail but I must wait 24-48 hours for it to fully kick in. I’m praying that this will be the last “new” medication we will have to try and I will finally receive some relief. My pain level is normally at an 8, which is very high, but with this new cocktail it should go down to a more manageable number such as a 5.
What is the hardest thing you are going through this week?
There are a few things I am having trouble with this last week. I am having trouble with feeling like I don’t have the strength to do anything on my own. I get panicked that in the middle of most activities I have to take a break and rest… for goodness sakes…..I’m 25 years old I shouldn’t have to take a rest after folding laundry! I am also feeling like such a horrible wife. I am unable to clean our house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, cook a meal, well basically everything that a wife is supposed to do. I feel like Kirk should run away from me because I am the neediest woman on the face of the planet. I push myself as hard as I can to do the dishes before Kirk comes home to the point of tears because my legs are too weak to stand but I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t get them done. I’m losing my mind being this weak. God help me be strong! Not just on the inside but on the outside too! Another issue that is becoming a major problem is my dignity. Because of all the things I have had to go through, medical appointments, weight issues, bleeding issues, hospital visits, and personal questions from every medical form possible I feel like I have lost all but an ounce of my dignity. I have no secrets from the world. I have no secrets from my husband…trust me it is good to have some secrets from your spouse. Such as how many times you can throw up in the car in a single trip or what your head looks like when patches of hair are missing. This week has not been the worst week ever but it is one of the few I won’t be forgetting.
What is the one thing you want to do but you are unable to right now?
I want to fly. Not crazy fly like a bird but I want to get on an airplane and fly to Maui. I need a Maui trip more than anything right now. You have no idea how that island soothes the soul. God took special time creating my island and I am desperate to get back there and enjoy it.
What scares you in your treatment process at this time?
Most of my treatment processes are over right now but there is one that hasn’t started yet and it is scaring me already. My hormone therapy. Hormone therapy should keep my estrogen levels down enough to keep the cancer from returning. I haven’t started the medication yet so technically there is nothing keeping the cancer from returning. That is a little unnerving right now.
Who is your angel in disguise these days?
You may have guessed it but I have many! First of all I have my husband. This man doesn’t complain after he comes home and I haven’t had the strength to get out of bed and pick up the house. He doesn’t get upset that I don’t have the energy to go anywhere and we are stuck sitting on the couch all weekend. Kirk is just satisfied being with me, caring for me, loving me and holding me while I cry. If Kirk isn’t an angel sent to me from God I don’t know what he is.
More angels…my family! Each and every member of my family. Especially my mom. My mom pushes me to live. She pushes me to get stronger. She pushes me to stand tall and fight for what is mine. A big reason why I fight hard is because I have a strong woman holding me up and her name is Barb Hawkins, my mother. She has walked the road before me and now she walks the road beside me. I love you mom. I couldn’t do this without your guidance and confidence.
Is it hard keeping up your smile?
Yes. It is hard to keep smiling when my heart is breaking and tears are only seconds away. It is hard to keep smiling when all I want to do is hide my face and scream in frustration. The hardest part of keeping a smile on my face is the fact that all I want to do is smile for real. I want joy to conquer all. I want victory over cancer and smile because I have won. I smile because I know one day I will have victory and that my life will be wonderful again. Kirk and I will succeed and we will have our happily ever after…at last.
Thanks for holding me close to your hearts as you watch me walk this journey. Pray Pray Pray and then Pray some more. The Lord listens to his children and I know He hears our every word.
Love Always,
Sarah
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Day 261
Tonight we had a lot of fun. We went to a 50’s themed costume Super Bowl party. Even though Sarah felt awful today she wanted to get out and do something normal for a change. Sarah went as a “Pink Lady” and I went as a “greaser.” We hung out with family and friends and had a really great time. Thanks Bob and Sherri for hosting the best parties.
I was so proud of Sarah because she has won the best ladies costume two years in a row. Last year was Vegas themed and we went as a bride and groom. I’ll tell you what…she won best costume last year but she looked much better on our actual wedding day.
This next week will be a lot of doctor appointments and we are in desperate need of prayer. Monday Sarah has a follow-up appointment with her radiation oncologist and Tuesday she has another appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. Also on Tuesday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids. By the end of the week, we are going to try and get in to see a doctor about the hard area under Sarah’s arm. Please pray that this turns out to be nothing serious. Finally on Friday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids again.
Maybe by this weekend, Sarah will be feeling well enough for me to take her out on Monday for Valentine’s Day.
-Kirk
I was so proud of Sarah because she has won the best ladies costume two years in a row. Last year was Vegas themed and we went as a bride and groom. I’ll tell you what…she won best costume last year but she looked much better on our actual wedding day.
This next week will be a lot of doctor appointments and we are in desperate need of prayer. Monday Sarah has a follow-up appointment with her radiation oncologist and Tuesday she has another appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. Also on Tuesday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids. By the end of the week, we are going to try and get in to see a doctor about the hard area under Sarah’s arm. Please pray that this turns out to be nothing serious. Finally on Friday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids again.
Maybe by this weekend, Sarah will be feeling well enough for me to take her out on Monday for Valentine’s Day.
-Kirk
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day 260
Enough is Enough...
We have had a long and rough week. Since Sarah has been on blood thinner for her leg clots, she has a couple of issues with bleeding. She now has to go through a series of tests and it is just stressing her out. Her doctor decided that the risks and side effects of Sarah taking blood thinner are too great for the little benefit she is receiving from it. He has OK’d her to stop taking her blood thinners immediately. We both thought that after her radiation we would be done and things would settle down. I guess we thought wrong. It seems as though Sarah has had to deal with every complication possible. If it isn‘t cancer, its blood clots, if it isn’t blood clots its pain, if it isn’t pain it’s sleeplessness…and the list goes on. It seems like it will never end. We had thought that Sarah wasn’t going to need fluids from the infusion clinic anymore, but that hasn’t been true either. We have continued to need to come in so Sarah can stay hydrated. We are trying to keep in mind that Sarah has been through hell and back and her body will need some serious time to fully recover. We don’t know why, but Sarah is not sleeping at all. On average she gets about 1 hour a night. This is obviously not enough sleep, but we don’t know what to do about it. I feel bad that I can sleep whenever I lay my head down and Sarah can’t get a wink. Even though Sarah may hold a tiny grudge against me for getting such great sleep, she still gets up in the morning and makes me a lunch to take with me to work. She is a very thoughtful and caring wife in the midst of all that she is dealing with.
Prayer Request: Sarah has a hard area under her arm. She asked her doctor about it today and he wanted her to have it checked out by her oncologist. Anyone who has gone through cancer understands the fear of it returning. Sarah is very scared and worried that the news will not be good. It is very possible that it is just scar tissue, but until proven the worry is there. Please pray for Sarah that while she waits to see what the verdict is on this God will bring her peace. Also, please pray that it is 100% negative for cancer.
We are in the infusion clinic now and Sarah is almost done getting her fluids. They are also able to give her some IV sleep medication which we have proven works. They will give it to her right before we go and most likely Sarah will sleep better tonight.
Thanks for reading. Sarah and I will try to write more often, but it has just been a really long couple of weeks. Prayer is always helpful!!!
-Kirk
We have had a long and rough week. Since Sarah has been on blood thinner for her leg clots, she has a couple of issues with bleeding. She now has to go through a series of tests and it is just stressing her out. Her doctor decided that the risks and side effects of Sarah taking blood thinner are too great for the little benefit she is receiving from it. He has OK’d her to stop taking her blood thinners immediately. We both thought that after her radiation we would be done and things would settle down. I guess we thought wrong. It seems as though Sarah has had to deal with every complication possible. If it isn‘t cancer, its blood clots, if it isn’t blood clots its pain, if it isn’t pain it’s sleeplessness…and the list goes on. It seems like it will never end. We had thought that Sarah wasn’t going to need fluids from the infusion clinic anymore, but that hasn’t been true either. We have continued to need to come in so Sarah can stay hydrated. We are trying to keep in mind that Sarah has been through hell and back and her body will need some serious time to fully recover. We don’t know why, but Sarah is not sleeping at all. On average she gets about 1 hour a night. This is obviously not enough sleep, but we don’t know what to do about it. I feel bad that I can sleep whenever I lay my head down and Sarah can’t get a wink. Even though Sarah may hold a tiny grudge against me for getting such great sleep, she still gets up in the morning and makes me a lunch to take with me to work. She is a very thoughtful and caring wife in the midst of all that she is dealing with.
Prayer Request: Sarah has a hard area under her arm. She asked her doctor about it today and he wanted her to have it checked out by her oncologist. Anyone who has gone through cancer understands the fear of it returning. Sarah is very scared and worried that the news will not be good. It is very possible that it is just scar tissue, but until proven the worry is there. Please pray for Sarah that while she waits to see what the verdict is on this God will bring her peace. Also, please pray that it is 100% negative for cancer.
We are in the infusion clinic now and Sarah is almost done getting her fluids. They are also able to give her some IV sleep medication which we have proven works. They will give it to her right before we go and most likely Sarah will sleep better tonight.
Thanks for reading. Sarah and I will try to write more often, but it has just been a really long couple of weeks. Prayer is always helpful!!!
-Kirk
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day 259
Tonight we are in the infusion clinic as planned. Sarah is starting to need less and less fluids, but she doesn't want to get off track and become severely dehydrated. Sarah is still having quite a lot of pain in her body. She is starting to regain feeling in certain parts of her chest, but the feeling is coming back as pain and discomfort. She is working with a pain specialist at SCCA, but he hasn't found a great solution so far. She is still taking a long acting pain med, but is trying to find a quick acting medication that will give her some immediate relief when her pain is at its worst.
Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.
For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.
-Kirk
Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.
For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.
-Kirk
Day 258
Tonight we are in the infusion clinic as planned. Sarah is starting to need less and less fluids, but she doesn't want to get off track and become severely dehydrated. Sarah is still having quite a lot of pain in her body. She is starting to regain feeling in certain parts of her chest, but the feeling is coming back as pain and discomfort. She is working with a pain specialist at SCCA, but he hasn't found a great solution so far. She is still taking a long acting pain med, but is trying to find a quick acting medication that will give her some immediate relief when her pain is at its worst.
Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.
For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.
-Kirk
Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.
For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.
-Kirk
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Day 257
Tuesday we went into the infusion clinic and Sarah got two liters of fluid, even though she received some IV pain medication she didn’t seem to have any relief from her pain in her chest and her head, and to boot she woke up sicker than a dog the next morning. I guess that is what narcotics do for you.
Wednesday, even though she was ill in the morning, she pushed through and was able to go with her mom and her one and only nephew Roman to the children’s museum in Everett. They had lots of fun exploring the museum inside and out, but the one thing they kept going back to was one of Roman’s favorites; the trains! By days Sarah was starting to feel a bit better. However, she still was having a significant amount of pain in her body so a solution was definitely needed.
Thursday she had an appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. He told her to increase her long acting pain medication to 3 times a day instead of the two. When she first started taking this medication, she was told that if she ever upped the dose she would have a couple of days where she felt quite tired. With the current increase she is feeling very tired, but it has enabled her to get some much needed sleep.
Friday I called the infusion clinic and was able to get an earlier appointment. Lately Sarah has needed to get 2 liters of fluid each visit. Each liter takes about four hours and so when we normally start that process at 6 we end up being there until something like 2 in the morning. They were able to get her in at 1:30 so we happily headed home at about 10:00 went back in for more fluids. This time Sarah opted not to get any IV pain medication although she desperately needed it. However, because she had gotten so sick from it the time before, and because her pain specialist asked her not to she went without.
Saturday Sarah went with me to a silent auction dinner to benefit the booster clubs at Glacier Peak High School. I was hired as the IT guy for the night and just needed to be there to make sure everything ran smoothly. Overall everything was a lot of fun. Sarah and I had a great time walking around and we even bid on a few silent auction items. However, by the end of the night Sarah desperately needed to get home. Sarah’s stomach still isn’t at full strength and so our dinner didn’t sit that well with her. By the time we made it home she was in desperate need of anti-nausea meds.
Sarah spent Saturday night and early Sunday morning tossing and turning. She tried to read, played a game on her phone and got up a few times to stretch her legs and back. Her pain and upset stomach kept her up just about until my alarm clock went off. When my alarm goes off and I look over at my wife who is sitting up smiling I know she didn’t have a good night. Sarah tried to sleep for a couple more hours but sleeplessness and her running mind took over. I know that she has a lot to think about, but I know she has to get some sleep in order to function.
Chemotherapy, surgeries, radiation…they all do some nasty things to your body and Sarah has had her fair share of lasting effects. The battle we are fighting now is getting back to normal when we don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m sure it will come but how long must we wait?
Thanks for reading and sending your concerns via comments that Sarah gets on her phone. She feels very special knowing that her support system is praying at a moment’s notice.
-Kirk
Wednesday, even though she was ill in the morning, she pushed through and was able to go with her mom and her one and only nephew Roman to the children’s museum in Everett. They had lots of fun exploring the museum inside and out, but the one thing they kept going back to was one of Roman’s favorites; the trains! By days Sarah was starting to feel a bit better. However, she still was having a significant amount of pain in her body so a solution was definitely needed.
Thursday she had an appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. He told her to increase her long acting pain medication to 3 times a day instead of the two. When she first started taking this medication, she was told that if she ever upped the dose she would have a couple of days where she felt quite tired. With the current increase she is feeling very tired, but it has enabled her to get some much needed sleep.
Friday I called the infusion clinic and was able to get an earlier appointment. Lately Sarah has needed to get 2 liters of fluid each visit. Each liter takes about four hours and so when we normally start that process at 6 we end up being there until something like 2 in the morning. They were able to get her in at 1:30 so we happily headed home at about 10:00 went back in for more fluids. This time Sarah opted not to get any IV pain medication although she desperately needed it. However, because she had gotten so sick from it the time before, and because her pain specialist asked her not to she went without.
Saturday Sarah went with me to a silent auction dinner to benefit the booster clubs at Glacier Peak High School. I was hired as the IT guy for the night and just needed to be there to make sure everything ran smoothly. Overall everything was a lot of fun. Sarah and I had a great time walking around and we even bid on a few silent auction items. However, by the end of the night Sarah desperately needed to get home. Sarah’s stomach still isn’t at full strength and so our dinner didn’t sit that well with her. By the time we made it home she was in desperate need of anti-nausea meds.
Sarah spent Saturday night and early Sunday morning tossing and turning. She tried to read, played a game on her phone and got up a few times to stretch her legs and back. Her pain and upset stomach kept her up just about until my alarm clock went off. When my alarm goes off and I look over at my wife who is sitting up smiling I know she didn’t have a good night. Sarah tried to sleep for a couple more hours but sleeplessness and her running mind took over. I know that she has a lot to think about, but I know she has to get some sleep in order to function.
Chemotherapy, surgeries, radiation…they all do some nasty things to your body and Sarah has had her fair share of lasting effects. The battle we are fighting now is getting back to normal when we don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m sure it will come but how long must we wait?
Thanks for reading and sending your concerns via comments that Sarah gets on her phone. She feels very special knowing that her support system is praying at a moment’s notice.
-Kirk
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Day 256
Now that Sarah is done with treatment, she thought it would be a good idea to stop taking her long acting pain medication. However, now that it has gone from her system her whole body is hurting. She did not realize how much pain the medication was keeping her from feeling. All the pain and uncomfortable hours has kept her up two nights in a row. She has started taking the pain med again so hopefully after a couple more days she will be able to get some sleep.
We are in the infusion clinic again tonight as planned and will be here for some time. Thanks for your continued prayer and support.
-Kirk
We are in the infusion clinic again tonight as planned and will be here for some time. Thanks for your continued prayer and support.
-Kirk
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