I think I am in my angry phase of grief. Okay, I know I am in my angry phase of grief. Everything seems to bother me so badly that it boils my blood. I am taking out my frustration on the people that I love the most and I think they are getting ready to take me on a cruise through unprotected waters to sell me to Somali pirates. My doctor says my hormones are being affected by the chemo so maybe I can blame all my misbehaving on just that…my out of control, terrible hormones. I mean is it that strange that when I see a couple walking the down the sidewalk I want to grab the wheel from Kirk and run them down because they are happy and I am not? Now that I have that thought out of my head and on record it does sound a little crazy and I should probably stay in the passenger seat for a bit longer.
As I am writing this I am feeling a little out of control and angry but that might have something to do with how my day started. Please let me tell you about it.
This morning I had to start prepping for my CT scan so no eating for 4 hours prior and I had to drink 2 bottles of contrast liquid. About ¾ of the way through the first bottle I knew there was going to be trouble. The oh so familiar feeling of nausea came swiftly over my body so I took a break and took a shower hoping to settle things down. The moment I got out of the shower my day took a turn for the worst and I was hanging my head over the toilet bowl frustrated that all the contrast that I did get down was wasted and I would have to start all over again. I called Kirk in a panic struck moment crying and asking him to make everything better and he started making phone calls to see what else we could do. When I was waiting for Kirk to call me back with details, I was feeling so defeated and very frustrated that something as simple as contrast liquid was beating me. I tried but couldn’t get any more of the contrast down. However, we went ahead with the appointment anyways and I had to try a different type of contrast that is mixed with apple juice. I won’t go as far as to say it was good but it was tolerable…I did however stand outside a bathroom while drinking it just in case. After I got all the new contrast down I was promptly taken back for my scan and after a whirlwind of hospital gowns, IV in the arm, holding my breath, then breathing…whoosh I was out the door. I am anxious to hear the results because when I had my second opinion the tumor had shrunk to virtually nothing and I have had two more chemo treatments to better my odds. Again I am anxious but deep down I am afraid of bad news. I have my 5th chemo treatment on Monday and on Tuesday I have an appointment to hear the results of the CT scan and to start receiving my Neupogen shots. Please keep me in your prayers as I impatiently wait. I know God has good things for me but there are some moments when I feel as if my life is falling apart.
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I would not have gotten this far without you.
(click on image below to enlarge)
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire. Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. -Psalm 46