Great News!

Sarah made the decision this week to not go into the infusion clinic at all for extra fluids! She is drinking a different type of water at home and so far so good. Her body seems to be staying hydrated much better. Sarah would be ecstatic if she could stop having to go into the infusion clinic. As far as Sarah's health goes, this week has been pretty good. Please pray with us that this trend continues. Sarah had her expanders partly filled again today. This was the first time since before radiation and its exciting, but at the same time we need to be sure that Sarah doesn't experience any pain from these fills. Please also pray that this weekend will be a relaxing time for Sarah that is pain and nausea free.

-Kirk & Sarah

Day 265

What in the world am I doing? I’m starting a business while I’m still on the on outskirts of getting well from cancer treatments. I am crazy or just ambitious? I’m going with crazy. I have set up a tiny office in my second bedroom with inspirational things to keep me smiling and focused but seriously my confidence is dwindling. I think that is the main reason that I started the Beth Moore Confidence study. Beth Moore can say so many deep and inspirational things that rock my core. I can spring into action and say these things to another person such as a friend who is in need or another cancer survivor that needs a pick me up after hearing test results. But when I read these words and try to have them sink in or straighten up my posture and speak them out loud hoping to spur the confined Sarah just waiting to spring into life; I just feel dumb and wait for something to happen and by the way nothing ever does.

Maybe if I share what I learned today with you I will be taught again and maybe just maybe someone will be changed because of what I chose to write about today.

Do not throw away your confidence. Why do we never feel good enough? Not good enough for others, not good enough for jobs, not good enough for ourselves and mostly not good enough for God? Beth Moore stated today “God can make the simplest person stunningly wise”. Really? I need to be wise so badly because I feel like the simplest woman on the face of this planet. Before March 2010 I had my life figured out. Kirk and I were going to travel for mission trips and pleasure, Buy a fixer upper home, bring home a dog from the shelter for a second chance, have babies, you know the whole white picket fence sort of life. When does everything change and why does it have to change to fast? “We have been created with brilliance because we were created in the image of God”. Does that put pressure on anyone else? I have been created in the image of a God I cannot ever fully understand but love with all my heart. As I think of everything that I think I could be better at. Being a woman of God, being a godly wife, daughter, and sister, being a business woman, being a spiritual mentor, someday being a mother. You can see I have a lot on my mind that I think I could easily fail at and that is why I’m so heavily seeking God confidence in each goal. The enemy is desperately looking for treasures that we have trashed so he can attack us where it really counts. Like right now I’m trying very hard to start my business, Emalene. It’s a simple business where I want to sell my baby/toddler hats and it has been my dream for a year now. The enemy knows how very important Emalene is to me for my confidence and independence and he is shooting his piercing arrows right where they will do the most damage. I look at my hats now and think they are hideous. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t take myself seriously as anything but a sick woman ridden with cancer scars. I think of myself as an untrained, unwise, and unrealistic girl that has put time and energy into something that might make me fall on my face in front of a million people. The enemy is shooting his arrows pretty accurately these days and I am losing my strength to hold up my shield to block them; I’m starting to believe everything but God is whispering to me “Pull your confidence out of the trash can and stand tall”. Ladies and Gents If God is behind me then I will not fail but it is so hard taking on a new venture. I need my brain to think about Emalene instead of cancer. Cancer cannot run my life anymore. It can derail my train cars once in a while but only for a short while and then I have to get back on my path to victory that God has laid out for me. He has paved the way and I won’t let Him down not to walk on it!

Please pray for me to have a sound mind in Christ. I need some serious prayer for strength and confidence in trying new things…I don’t want to only be known for cancer anymore. I want to be known for following the way of the Lord and being a light in the darkness. Thank you for your confidence in me!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 264

Thank you all for your messages assuring me that it is okay to have a bad day…or two…and be honest about it. I try and try to sweep my emotions under the rug but you know how it is; one day the ugly dust monster comes out to play when company has just arrived! I guess all I wanted to say is thank you for sticking with me and being my cheering squad who has got my back!

I’m trying to get better with my emotions. They are just so ugly with no sign of any hope. Sarah’s Hope, I know but it’s hard to have hope each day. New challenges are brought forth each day and when you are already on the breaking point I must be careful of what I take on. But I do need something to get out of bed for…as thrilling as getting up to a hurting body and taking pills every 4, 6, and 24 hours seems it’s not too glamorous. I have mentioned starting up my own business in the past but I’m finally going to do it! I need that “something” to get out of bed for. I need that sense of purpose! I got myself all geared up today about what amazing things I could do while brainstorming for my “baby” when I felt a tiny twinge of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. Fear does NOT come from our Lord. Victory comes from our Lord along with all-consuming love. I was having such a hard time dealing with fear and self-esteem issues I went to my spiritual mentor Beth Moore to get an espresso shot of God. This is a study I have done before but how many times can you hear the truth? A million times for me! Man did I need a jump start today and boy did I get one. Beth starts out saying Do not throw away your confidence and pray for the gift of God confidence. Hebrews 10: 35-36 says “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to preserve so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” I have to say I have been throwing my confidence in the trash can and turning on the trash compactor on it…how is it ever going to survive? It is so hard to be strong these days for me…I bet it is hard for all of us to be strong so please don’t think I think I’m the only one going through struggles. Another topic Beth touched on is if we are constantly being hit in the areas of our effectiveness we ought to figure out very quickly that it is the enemy’s attacks that are breaking us down and not just a bad day. The enemy knows our weaknesses very well and he uses his knowledge when we are at our weakest or when we are doing our best. The enemy doesn’t want me to start my business because my little business will help children in Africa, prove that there is life after cancer, spread my story even farther than it has gone already and most importantly let the world know that God is the center of my world and He should be the center of yours. I have big dreams but I’d rather have big dreams than no dreams.

My body hurts but I’m not letting the enemy keep me in bed. I’m not letting him be grumpy to my husband. I’m not letting him wash away my confidence because I am praying for the gift of God confidence. People don’t throw away your confidence…you have a right to it so stand tall and fight for it!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 263

What am I to do? Be happy? Be sad? I can’t stand not knowing what to think or what to feel. I actually know what I think and feel but how boring and dreary would that be writing about my pain and suffering every day? With each post, I want to share how I am healing, how my life has changed and what amazing things I am going to do with my new found desire for life, but I am consumed with pain, anxiousness, weakness and hopelessness. My blog is Sarah’s Hope but what happens when Sarah has a very serious lack of hope right now?

I thought after my treatments with chemotherapy, surgeries and radiation I would be on the road to recovering. Nothing is farther from that goal! It feels like I’m weaker each day but then I have one day where my body doesn’t hurt that bad and I feel like my life is turning around but the joke is always on me to get my hopes up and have them be trampled on for when I wake up the next day I can barely move out of bed. I’m 25! What 25 year old feels like garbage each day and prays for God to intervene so she can live…actually live? Right now I’m living from alarm clock to alarm clock for pain medications, drinking special water for body health, going to the hospital twice a week for dehydration and taking naps every chance I can get. I want to drive. I want to be left alone for more than 2 hours before someone calls to check if I’ve fallen down. I want to start my own business. I want to work with flowers and babies and to organize. I want to feel normal. I want to feel free. I want to be talked to about something other than cancer…but that’s the thing…nothing, absolutely nothing is happening for me except cancer so conversation topics are limited. I feel like I’m on a deserted island…trapped… and have written HELP in the sand waiting for an airplane to see my distress call…will anyone ever see my help sign? I need something special in my life. I need a break. I need something that I want to get out of bed for. I know I’m still defending my life from cancer but is that all I can do right now? Maybe it is but I’m pleading that it isn’t all that I can do. I am a girl who has survived the first attacks of breast cancer but that is not who I really am…it is what I have done. Who I am is a young woman looking for more out of life. I want so much and I am so afraid that cancer had defeated me by defining who I am. Will the world forget my name after I don’t have traumatic things happening to me each and every week? What am I doing but being sick? I want my To: Sarah, From: God package to come complete with a guide book “What to Do Next”. I have a mind full of wonder, excitement, and dreams but I barely have the energy to write all of them down. It just isn’t fair. I want to do something to help the children of Africa. I want to do something to help women who are walking in the same pink ribbon shoes that I am walking in. I want to count down the days to when I can call myself a mother. You can see I have many dreams and I need help getting to fulfill all of them but first comes my strength and health. I just get overwhelmed at times and break down. Only God knows what my husband thinks when he comes home from work and I am crying while doing dishes or sobbing over a wrinkled shirt wondering if my life is over. I’m just on the border line of being alright and the strange thing is I fear I will never be whole again.

Again something comes up and I can’t post on the blog until the night! I went shopping with my mom and my nephew today for about 2 hours and after I got back home I started to throw up uncontrollably. Kirk and I had to cancel our dinner plans with friends and schedule instead for me to go to the hospital for fluids and anti-nausea medication…this is my life! Will it ever get better?

Thank you for listening to me have a meltdown. You are always there to hear me celebrate good times and try to forget hard times. God bless you all.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 262

I wanted to start a little different today. Below are some questions I frequently get asked and I wanted to share my answers to all my readers. I hope you enjoy seeing a peek into my soul…it is damaged and bruised but it will push on.

How is your pain doing?
My pain is overwhelming. I have been in touch with the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance Pain Clinic at least once a week trying new medications and dose changes. I feel weaker than ever and I seem to only get worse as the weeks go by. Today I started a new medication cocktail but I must wait 24-48 hours for it to fully kick in. I’m praying that this will be the last “new” medication we will have to try and I will finally receive some relief. My pain level is normally at an 8, which is very high, but with this new cocktail it should go down to a more manageable number such as a 5.

What is the hardest thing you are going through this week?
There are a few things I am having trouble with this last week. I am having trouble with feeling like I don’t have the strength to do anything on my own. I get panicked that in the middle of most activities I have to take a break and rest… for goodness sakes…..I’m 25 years old I shouldn’t have to take a rest after folding laundry! I am also feeling like such a horrible wife. I am unable to clean our house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, cook a meal, well basically everything that a wife is supposed to do. I feel like Kirk should run away from me because I am the neediest woman on the face of the planet. I push myself as hard as I can to do the dishes before Kirk comes home to the point of tears because my legs are too weak to stand but I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t get them done. I’m losing my mind being this weak. God help me be strong! Not just on the inside but on the outside too! Another issue that is becoming a major problem is my dignity. Because of all the things I have had to go through, medical appointments, weight issues, bleeding issues, hospital visits, and personal questions from every medical form possible I feel like I have lost all but an ounce of my dignity. I have no secrets from the world. I have no secrets from my husband…trust me it is good to have some secrets from your spouse. Such as how many times you can throw up in the car in a single trip or what your head looks like when patches of hair are missing. This week has not been the worst week ever but it is one of the few I won’t be forgetting.

What is the one thing you want to do but you are unable to right now?
I want to fly. Not crazy fly like a bird but I want to get on an airplane and fly to Maui. I need a Maui trip more than anything right now. You have no idea how that island soothes the soul. God took special time creating my island and I am desperate to get back there and enjoy it.

What scares you in your treatment process at this time?
Most of my treatment processes are over right now but there is one that hasn’t started yet and it is scaring me already. My hormone therapy. Hormone therapy should keep my estrogen levels down enough to keep the cancer from returning. I haven’t started the medication yet so technically there is nothing keeping the cancer from returning. That is a little unnerving right now.

Who is your angel in disguise these days?
You may have guessed it but I have many! First of all I have my husband. This man doesn’t complain after he comes home and I haven’t had the strength to get out of bed and pick up the house. He doesn’t get upset that I don’t have the energy to go anywhere and we are stuck sitting on the couch all weekend. Kirk is just satisfied being with me, caring for me, loving me and holding me while I cry. If Kirk isn’t an angel sent to me from God I don’t know what he is.

More angels…my family! Each and every member of my family. Especially my mom. My mom pushes me to live. She pushes me to get stronger. She pushes me to stand tall and fight for what is mine. A big reason why I fight hard is because I have a strong woman holding me up and her name is Barb Hawkins, my mother. She has walked the road before me and now she walks the road beside me. I love you mom. I couldn’t do this without your guidance and confidence.

Is it hard keeping up your smile?
Yes. It is hard to keep smiling when my heart is breaking and tears are only seconds away. It is hard to keep smiling when all I want to do is hide my face and scream in frustration. The hardest part of keeping a smile on my face is the fact that all I want to do is smile for real. I want joy to conquer all. I want victory over cancer and smile because I have won. I smile because I know one day I will have victory and that my life will be wonderful again. Kirk and I will succeed and we will have our happily ever after…at last.

Thanks for holding me close to your hearts as you watch me walk this journey. Pray Pray Pray and then Pray some more. The Lord listens to his children and I know He hears our every word.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 261

Tonight we had a lot of fun. We went to a 50’s themed costume Super Bowl party. Even though Sarah felt awful today she wanted to get out and do something normal for a change. Sarah went as a “Pink Lady” and I went as a “greaser.” We hung out with family and friends and had a really great time. Thanks Bob and Sherri for hosting the best parties.

I was so proud of Sarah because she has won the best ladies costume two years in a row. Last year was Vegas themed and we went as a bride and groom. I’ll tell you what…she won best costume last year but she looked much better on our actual wedding day.

This next week will be a lot of doctor appointments and we are in desperate need of prayer. Monday Sarah has a follow-up appointment with her radiation oncologist and Tuesday she has another appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. Also on Tuesday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids. By the end of the week, we are going to try and get in to see a doctor about the hard area under Sarah’s arm. Please pray that this turns out to be nothing serious. Finally on Friday she has her regular appointment at the infusion clinic for fluids again.

Maybe by this weekend, Sarah will be feeling well enough for me to take her out on Monday for Valentine’s Day.

-Kirk

Day 260

Enough is Enough...
We have had a long and rough week. Since Sarah has been on blood thinner for her leg clots, she has a couple of issues with bleeding. She now has to go through a series of tests and it is just stressing her out. Her doctor decided that the risks and side effects of Sarah taking blood thinner are too great for the little benefit she is receiving from it. He has OK’d her to stop taking her blood thinners immediately. We both thought that after her radiation we would be done and things would settle down. I guess we thought wrong. It seems as though Sarah has had to deal with every complication possible. If it isn‘t cancer, its blood clots, if it isn’t blood clots its pain, if it isn’t pain it’s sleeplessness…and the list goes on. It seems like it will never end. We had thought that Sarah wasn’t going to need fluids from the infusion clinic anymore, but that hasn’t been true either. We have continued to need to come in so Sarah can stay hydrated. We are trying to keep in mind that Sarah has been through hell and back and her body will need some serious time to fully recover. We don’t know why, but Sarah is not sleeping at all. On average she gets about 1 hour a night. This is obviously not enough sleep, but we don’t know what to do about it. I feel bad that I can sleep whenever I lay my head down and Sarah can’t get a wink. Even though Sarah may hold a tiny grudge against me for getting such great sleep, she still gets up in the morning and makes me a lunch to take with me to work. She is a very thoughtful and caring wife in the midst of all that she is dealing with.

Prayer Request: Sarah has a hard area under her arm. She asked her doctor about it today and he wanted her to have it checked out by her oncologist. Anyone who has gone through cancer understands the fear of it returning. Sarah is very scared and worried that the news will not be good. It is very possible that it is just scar tissue, but until proven the worry is there. Please pray for Sarah that while she waits to see what the verdict is on this God will bring her peace. Also, please pray that it is 100% negative for cancer.

We are in the infusion clinic now and Sarah is almost done getting her fluids. They are also able to give her some IV sleep medication which we have proven works. They will give it to her right before we go and most likely Sarah will sleep better tonight.

Thanks for reading. Sarah and I will try to write more often, but it has just been a really long couple of weeks. Prayer is always helpful!!!

-Kirk

Day 259

Tonight we are in the infusion clinic as planned. Sarah is starting to need less and less fluids, but she doesn't want to get off track and become severely dehydrated. Sarah is still having quite a lot of pain in her body. She is starting to regain feeling in certain parts of her chest, but the feeling is coming back as pain and discomfort. She is working with a pain specialist at SCCA, but he hasn't found a great solution so far. She is still taking a long acting pain med, but is trying to find a quick acting medication that will give her some immediate relief when her pain is at its worst.

Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.

For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.

-Kirk

Day 258

Tonight we are in the infusion clinic as planned. Sarah is starting to need less and less fluids, but she doesn't want to get off track and become severely dehydrated. Sarah is still having quite a lot of pain in her body. She is starting to regain feeling in certain parts of her chest, but the feeling is coming back as pain and discomfort. She is working with a pain specialist at SCCA, but he hasn't found a great solution so far. She is still taking a long acting pain med, but is trying to find a quick acting medication that will give her some immediate relief when her pain is at its worst.

Last night Sarah and I had little Roman (or not so little anymore) for a fun sleepover with Auntie and Uncle. Sarah is having more and more fun with Roman as she gets more and more strength. Little Ro wasn't feeling very well but his Auntie Sarah took good care of him. She was trying to help him learn to blow his nose, she took his temperature often, she made sure he was drinking enough fluids, and she rubbed his little back after each cough. She is the best auntie a little boy could ask for.

For the past week Sarah has been caught in an uphill battle with her sleep again. She is back to the place where exhaustion is setting in but sleep never comes. Over the last two nights Sarah has probably only gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Sarah definitely needs to get some sleep soon and sleep for her is our main prayer request.

-Kirk

Day 257

Tuesday we went into the infusion clinic and Sarah got two liters of fluid, even though she received some IV pain medication she didn’t seem to have any relief from her pain in her chest and her head, and to boot she woke up sicker than a dog the next morning. I guess that is what narcotics do for you.

Wednesday, even though she was ill in the morning, she pushed through and was able to go with her mom and her one and only nephew Roman to the children’s museum in Everett. They had lots of fun exploring the museum inside and out, but the one thing they kept going back to was one of Roman’s favorites; the trains! By days Sarah was starting to feel a bit better. However, she still was having a significant amount of pain in her body so a solution was definitely needed.

Thursday she had an appointment with the pain specialist at SCCA. He told her to increase her long acting pain medication to 3 times a day instead of the two. When she first started taking this medication, she was told that if she ever upped the dose she would have a couple of days where she felt quite tired. With the current increase she is feeling very tired, but it has enabled her to get some much needed sleep.

Friday I called the infusion clinic and was able to get an earlier appointment. Lately Sarah has needed to get 2 liters of fluid each visit. Each liter takes about four hours and so when we normally start that process at 6 we end up being there until something like 2 in the morning. They were able to get her in at 1:30 so we happily headed home at about 10:00 went back in for more fluids. This time Sarah opted not to get any IV pain medication although she desperately needed it. However, because she had gotten so sick from it the time before, and because her pain specialist asked her not to she went without.

Saturday Sarah went with me to a silent auction dinner to benefit the booster clubs at Glacier Peak High School. I was hired as the IT guy for the night and just needed to be there to make sure everything ran smoothly. Overall everything was a lot of fun. Sarah and I had a great time walking around and we even bid on a few silent auction items. However, by the end of the night Sarah desperately needed to get home. Sarah’s stomach still isn’t at full strength and so our dinner didn’t sit that well with her. By the time we made it home she was in desperate need of anti-nausea meds.

Sarah spent Saturday night and early Sunday morning tossing and turning. She tried to read, played a game on her phone and got up a few times to stretch her legs and back. Her pain and upset stomach kept her up just about until my alarm clock went off. When my alarm goes off and I look over at my wife who is sitting up smiling I know she didn’t have a good night. Sarah tried to sleep for a couple more hours but sleeplessness and her running mind took over. I know that she has a lot to think about, but I know she has to get some sleep in order to function.

Chemotherapy, surgeries, radiation…they all do some nasty things to your body and Sarah has had her fair share of lasting effects. The battle we are fighting now is getting back to normal when we don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m sure it will come but how long must we wait?

Thanks for reading and sending your concerns via comments that Sarah gets on her phone. She feels very special knowing that her support system is praying at a moment’s notice.

-Kirk

Day 256

Now that Sarah is done with treatment, she thought it would be a good idea to stop taking her long acting pain medication. However, now that it has gone from her system her whole body is hurting. She did not realize how much pain the medication was keeping her from feeling. All the pain and uncomfortable hours has kept her up two nights in a row. She has started taking the pain med again so hopefully after a couple more days she will be able to get some sleep.

We are in the infusion clinic again tonight as planned and will be here for some time. Thanks for your continued prayer and support.

-Kirk

Day 255

Even after a week of celebration for health I still ended up in the infusion clinic. I started feeling a dehydration headache come on and after two nurses asked if I was dehydrated I figured I might as well go in for fluids before the nausea starts. Kirk and I went in at our usual time, 6:15, and ended up staying until 2am! Yikes! It always takes a few tries to get an IV started but that wasn’t what kept us out so long. What ate up the hours was the speed of my IV fluids. My nurse had to use the tiniest needle that they had in order for it to work with my veins. Because she had to use the tiniest needle we had to go super slow with the fluids in order for the vein not to be overwhelmed and blow. Since chemotherapy my veins are like tissue paper and everyone has problems using them. I ended up having 2 liters of fluid to get me back on track. When I was finished we were desperately tired and headed home to get some much needed sleep. I also had a doctor appointment on Friday for a follow up for my blood clots. As it turns out, I have another clot in my foot that I didn’t know about. I’m continuing with the blood thinners but the good news is that my Dr. doesn’t think I need to be on them for the maximum 6 months! Overall I am feeling much better after the follow up visit and the 2 liters of fluid. It’s amazing what a little salt water will do. The rest of the weekend was relaxing…just how I like it. I’m so grateful that God has settled things down enough to rest. Thank you for praying for health and rest for Kirk and I. We are in need of a break and I think I see one on the horizon.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 254

The week of worrying about my blood clot finally took its toll. I hadn’t been getting very good rest but I slept great today. It was wonderful. As you know I have been getting less than 4 hours of sleep on average per night so when my body can sleep for more than that it’s a dream come true.

Kirk came home at “medication time” and gave me my shot. He is so good at it and I am so proud of him. I hopefully only have one more day of shots and then I will continue to take the pills for up to 6 months. Today I went to the lab for a Coumadin blood level test and once again the technicians had trouble finding a vein…funny how I knew that would be an issue. They heated my arm up with pads and hoped for the best but the first poke yielded nothing. More heat and then a second poke. This one had a little better luck; we were getting a good return of blood then all of the sudden…nothing. The vein just clamped off and disappeared. Yeah, you guessed it…more heat. After 2 techs looked up and down my arm for anything they could use I stepped in and showed them my sacred veins that never let me down…I can’t show everyone where they are because my veins wouldn’t be so friendly if I shared the secret. Third poke was a cinch and the lab tech was impressed that I knew my veins so well. The test results should be back tomorrow and I will know if I need to up my Coumadin levels or decrease my levels. I have an appointment with my general care physician tomorrow and he will let me know if I need to change my diet, limit my activity and also how many times I have to get my levels checked a month. Sounds like a big hassle and it is but I’m just happy I am alive and cancer free…it is all how you look at it.

I got to spend some good family time with my mom and dad today because my dad made Kirk and me one of our favorite dinners. Chicken broccoli! It’s one of my dad’s most famous dishes and we flock to the house when it’s on the menu. Thanks Dad for a good meal!

Thanks everyone who keeps me and my family in your prayers. Prayer works and I am living proof of that fact. You are so important to my healing process and I am incredibly thankful for each and every one of you.

Love Always,

Sarah

Day 253

I am still doing pretty well on the blood thinners. It is a little scary thinking about the possibility of the clot breaking loose, but we believe that God will keep me from harm. I have been crocheting like a mad woman because I am trying to stay off my leg. After awhile it is hard coming up with new things to do.Today Kirk caught me watching a marathon of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Don't laugh...she was one tough cookie.

I am getting very excited about regaining my strength. I would be feeling the best I have in a very long time if it wasn't for my leg. Tomorrow I have a lab test to check the level of blood thinner in my system. The results will define what dose of pills I should be on after I am done with the shots. Kirk continues to get better and better at giving me my shots and we are about half way through them. Kirk should really consider a career in the medical field because he has been so great! I'm off to get my shot right now so thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I truly cherish all the love that you give.

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 252

We are doing better...
Kirk is getting the hang of syringes again and I am feeling better from the flu like symptoms I was having. Every 12 hours it’s another poke and another pill…is this ever going to end? I guess not for a while and I should be happy that I am alive because trust me I know life could be worse. I’m so grateful for my husband. He hates giving me each shot but he acts like a pro as he confidently says “Here’s a little poke…done! Are you okay?” What a man I have. Kirk doesn’t go weak in the knees over medical stuff; He only goes weak in the knees for me!

I’ve been having a day full of rest while babying my leg. I don’t like resting, but what’s a girl to do? My leg is pretty painful and I’m hopping more than limping so I spent my day making hats for the Cancer Center in Seattle and catching up on my DVR shows. While watching my shows I saw a bunch of old Christmas commercials and I got bummed out. I missed Christmas this year. I was so sick and in pain I missed getting into the season and enjoying family. We were at the hospital Christmas Eve, Christmas day and every day leading up to New Years. Yuck! I hope next year Santa will bring a Christmas full of joy and health…think I need a bigger stocking?

Thank you for all your continued support through the worst year of our lives. Every comment on the blog and message on Facebook lifts my spirits and always puts a smile on my face. Thanks for sticking with me for the long haul.

Love Always,
Sarah

Update

Can we get a break...???
After we came home from the ER, Sarah was starting to become more and more nauseous. She fell asleep for maybe an hour, but woke up and immediately threw up uncontrollably. We made the decision to go back into the ER since Sarah was now most certainly dehydrated. They were only able to marginally control the nausea, and after she had received some fluids, Sarah decided she wanted to go home. When we finally made it home the throwing up continued a couple of times, but she then went to sleep and slept for about four hours. After our nap, I woke Sarah up and we headed off to her ultrasound appointment. Even though we are dealing with flu-like symptoms, we still needed to handle the pain in Sarah's leg. After a thorough examination it turns out that Sarah does have a clot in her leg. It is superficial but still needs to be treated as clots can move to the lungs, heart, or brain and pose serious risks. Later in the afternoon, we saw a doctor who prescribed treatment for Sarah's blood clot. Over the next five days, I have to give her injections of blood thinner in her belly twice a day. After that, she will have to be on oral blood thinning medication for six months. Six months seems like a long time to us, but hopefully it will keep any additional clotting at bay. At the end of the day we may have found the reason for Sarah's nausea. Her mom and dad were both similarly sick today so the three of them must have gotten a bug. After a few hours Sarah began to feel much better. Let's hope it is the same for her parents too.

Please pray that we don't get overwhelmed by the lasting negative effects of Sarah's cancer treatment. All we want is for our life to get back to normal, but it seems like it will never come.

-Kirk

Prayer Request Update

2AM: We are now home from the ER and have an update for you all. The doctor did not think it was a blood clot, but to be sure he gave Sarah a twelve hour blood thinner and ordered for her to have an ultrasouund of her leg tomorrow. We will update you when we know more.

Thanks for praying,
Kirk

Urgent Prayer Request!!!

My pain is getting worse so we called the on-call doctor to see what we should do. Since the pain is getting worse and has not gotten any better over the last couple days she said she would feel the best if we went to the emergency room to get it taken care of now. They will most likely ultrasound my leg and if they find a clot put me on a blood thinner or prescribe some oral blood thinner. Please pray for a quiet night in the E.R. and a clean bill of health. The last couple times the E.R. has been quite mad house so we will need an intervention of peace. E.R. Here We Come!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 251

Say a little prayer for me…
Okay I am doing fine but have a little something I am worried about. I am having a pain in my lower right leg that has my insides churning. Ever since I have had to get creative and try IVs in my legs I have had severe pain in both of them but my right leg is getting worse. I am told that it could just be vein irritation due to the IVs that had to be put into my ankles or it could be a more serious condition such as a blood clot. My mom who is a nurse is siding on blood clot because of my symptoms so I am a bit worried. Kirk is going to be calling the doctor’s office to get an appointment or if they think it is serious hopefully I will get right in. I’m almost to the point of needing crutches because my leg hurts so badly and I look very silly hobbling around. I’m kind of bummed out that pain is trying to take away my smile of being totally done with the “tough” parts of cancer treatment but heaven knows I will keep my smile on no matter what. I will let you know what transpires with my leg…let’s pray that whatever it is that it will not be serious and that it will resolve itself.

Tonight is my congratulatory dinner with my family. All my parents and siblings will be there plus a special little nephew. My nephew is pretty darn special to me. Roman was 6mo old when I was diagnosed but did that stop the little boy from being there for me? He’s part of the Hawkins clan so of course not. He has been to the Cancer Center for many chemotherapy treatments, visited me when I have been in the hospital, came to surgeries and been my tiniest fan rooting me on. I better give my sister Bethany kudos because Roman couldn’t get far without her! Thanks Bets for all your love! All my family has been so supportive to me and I couldn’t have done it without them. Driving me to appointments...to midnight prayer. Cool compresses...to house cleaning. Dinners...to head shaving…My family has done it all so tonight is supposed to be about me but really I have to give it up to my family. I was probably not the sweetest in all my moments of need but thanks for sticking by me never the less and fighting the fight with me…sometimes even for me. I love all of you and couldn’t have made it this far without each and every one of you. Thank You!!!

Love Always,
Sarah

Day 250

Five down...Zero to go:
Can Sarah get a whoop whoop? Today was Sarah's last radiation treatment and she wanted to go out with a bang. I didn't even think to do anything for the radiation oncology staff, but Sarah is always thinking of others. She loved everyone in the radiation oncology department so much so she decided to bring in cookies for everyone. They were always so blown away by Sarah's great smile and generosity throughout her treatment, but were very floored to see she had brought in a gift for everyone. One of the bakeries we stopped at had designer cupcake so I bought Sarah a lemon one with "Congratulations" on top. She saved it for after treatment, but it started the celebration even before it officially began.

Today was not a day overshadowed by cancer, but instead it was a day of rejoicing. Sarah ws excited all day because in her mind she was counting down the seconds to victory...victory at last. Everyone at SCCA celebrated righg along with us. There were hugs and congrats all around from Dr. Kim, the Nurses, the radiation therapists, and even the front offipce gals. Dr. Kim said she was incredibly proud of Sarah for finishing strong. It was such a wonderful time that our cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. Sarah has a follow-up appointment in a month for them to congratulate her on her progress.

After Sarah's radiation treatment we began heading toward home, but we made a few special stops on the way home. We first went to Pike Place Market for some flowers. Most flowers are out of season, but we still had alot of fun. Sarah and I have a love for Seattle that will never die.

Next we stopped at DSW where Sarah had the run of the place to find some new shoes. She had only planned on getting one pair, but I insisted that she deserved to get two. Sarah was very excited and flew from shoe to shoe like a beautiful butterfly. I then had to stop by work and take care of one item. My office is moving from one high school to another. I had to quickly pack up my things and move them to my new office. I didn't expect Sarah to help me at all but she insisted. I again was floored that my sweet girl is alwyas thinking of others and no matter what is raring to help in any way she can.

The last special stop we made was dinner. We went for a simple dinner, but one that Sarah has been craving for weeks...Greek from Kafe Neo in Marysville. Let me tell you this girl goes crazy for a lamb gyro and greek fries. After dinner we headed home and came into our apartment, turned on the heat, and settled in for a night of reflection on the past year and anticipation of the coming year. Because my job is changing for the better and Sarah's treatment has finally come to an end, we feel like we are both getting a new beginning. It is a wonderful feeling to say the least. A huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

One fantastic development is that Sarah has not needed to go to the infusion clinic this week. We are hoping that her body will now be strong enough to fight things off on its own without any help. Sarah was having a bit more pain than desired after her treatment so I had her take her long acting mophine, her short acting morphine liquid and an anti-nausea med just to be safe. The day will come very soon that she won't even need these meds anymore and will be 100% pain and nausea free. My wife fought cancer and won with her arms in the air celebrating her victory. I ask you all if she could take on cancer with the amount of resolve and positive attitude that she had, is there anything this girl won't be able achieve? I think not...

We still have more to come including reconstructive surgeries, hormone therapy, and lots of recovering from this last year, but please celebrate the victory with us today. We parise God that we made it through bruised, but not broken. God is the only one who could have given Sarah the strength to fight. We thank you all for keeping us so close to your hearts this past year. We have seen nothing but support and unfailing love from all of you. Christ is loving us through you.

Thank You!!!
Kirk