A confession from Sarah:
I never take up anyone on their offers to help. What is wrong with me? Here I am suffering and making my husband run around like mad because I can’t accept help. I’m admitting to all of you (I’d probably freak out if I knew the real number) that I have a problem with accepting help to hopefully gain some ground on my addiction with saying “Oh I think I’m fine” when in reality my insides are screaming, “All I need is help.” It’s an addiction that Kirk and my parents know about and try to help me out with. I guess I should be happy that this is not a so called bad addiction but it is causing pain and difficulty where there should be peace. I have so many family members, friends, and readers, that would do just about anything for me and do I take you up on your kindness? No. I don’t know what is going on inside of me that refuses to let people help me but I have got to get over this or it will overcome me. Has anyone else had this problem? I know in this time I’m suppose to rest and not overly use my arms so I can get my drains out as soon as possible, but how can I not use my arms when the house is getting more and more cluttered by the day? I finally snap and bend over, reach top shelves, pick up something that is just about over the weight limit and stare at the vacuum until I start to cry. I have had so many people offer to help with dishes, housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and just plain ol’ sitting in bed with me to watch an old Audrey Hepburn movie. But as desperate as I am I don’t take those who love me up on it. I think it is because they are simple chores that as a wife I should be able to accomplish with no help. I feel helpless some days and I get so embarrassed when Kirk comes home to chores that can go on for days. If you offer to help and I hesitate for a split second just stalk me home and do whatever you want to do. God has got to help me with this horrible one woman show I call life and I think you all can help. When I got sick I thought I should still be able to do everything and boy have I tried and boy did I exhaust myself every time. I guess I don’t put two and two together …cancer and surgery equal weakness and the need for help. Is that something everyone else knows but me? I’ll try to be better. I promise. If not for me then I will try for Kirk. I love Kirk so much and he picks up all the slack and I feel like I need to give him the only help I can…your help. Again if you offer to clean, run errands, sit with me, fold laundry or just be here while I take a shower don’t you dare let me say no. Push me till it hurts and I will eventually crumble and be grateful on the inside and outside. Thank you in advance for helping a hurting woman in need.
Also, I don’t want to sound like a broken record but Kirk and I almost went into the emergency room again Sunday night. I couldn’t keep anything down, especially pain medication and I was at the end of my rope. My mom said the ER is a zoo on Sunday nights so we opted out of that and did the next best thing…go home to mom and dad’s house. I was back on the B.R.A.T. diet which is bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. When you are craving Stouffers Mac and Cheese applesauce just doesn’t cut it. Somehow Mom’s house always brings the peace I need and I settle right down…but it could have also been the fact that my mother was feeding me applesauce by the spoonful like she does with my 1 year old nephew. My arms were in so much pain that I took what I could get and let my mom do the “Here comes the airplane” but I bet my mother loved every second of it. I got to use the big spoon and not the colored plastic spoons just in case you were wondering. I am still in so much pain but Kirk and my doctors have been talking and saying my body has had just about enough pain killers and it is revolting. Nausea, headaches, chills, mood swings and crying about everything is my body telling the world I’m done with being sick so please leave me alone. On one hand I wish they could just back away slowly so I wouldn’t have to deal with anymore of this but on the other hand how am I suppose to inspire other women on this road if I wasn’t brave enough to keep pressing on myself? I will press on till I’m done and even after I’m done I will never stop pressing on for those who are walking the same road I did. God give me strength in order to walk this path. I know that you are with me every step of the way and I am so grateful that I am not alone.