Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 208

My 5:15 M.R.I.
Praise be to God for keeping me safe. It is only by His mighty hand that I am free from cancer. I am still in shock from having my M.R.I. done and don’t understand why I can’t shake off the seriousness when my results came back finding nothing wrong. My scan was clean but the fear that I felt has not left without leaving scars. Fear has become one of the enemy’s greatest weapons against me. It can stop me in an instant but I am wising up to the enemy’s game. For the last few months fear has had its days numbered with me but when I was on the schedule to have my brain scanned for “abnormalities” my fear defeating strategies flew out the window. I don’t even know where to begin. How do I explain how nausea turned into a moment that I will never forget? My whole life flashed before my eyes. Not just my 25 years but the life that I haven’t even lived yet was being played in my mind. The places that I haven’t been to, the memories that I haven’t yet created and the children that I’ve only seen in my dreams gripped my heart as I waited to hear if my worst fears were my reality. Only God knows how hard it was for me to sit in the waiting room with my husband and friends and not sob. I was so scared it hurt. I had beaten breast cancer but could I beat cancer again? I tried to trick myself into thinking it wasn’t that serious but the fear that swept over me could not be masked. I held tight to Kirk’s hand and to what God had promised me and waited for my doctor’s call. That was one of the most important calls of my life because it could have changed my entire future. I think that is why I am still in shock because my life could have been changed forever with one phone call. Life is so fragile and each day should be lived as though it was our last. My 5:15 M.R.I. reminded me of that. It reminded me that I should stop and look around at what I could be missing. It reminded me not to go to bed angry and to never ever part from my husband without a kiss worthy of fireworks. It reminded me that my dreams are actually goals that can be accomplished. It reminded me that family and friends are gifts to be cherished. If I had to endure fear to remind myself of all of this it was well worth the struggle. My life can be bitter sweet sometimes but I always have the choice at which to focus on. For Kirk and me, we choose to look at the “sweet”!

Thank you for lifting my family and me up in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you are inspired by my words as I am inspired by your encouraging comments to keep on going. Some days I wouldn’t have had the strength to get out of bed without you. I am blessed by each and every one of you. Thank you.

Love Always,

1 comment:

Heather Mayer said...

Praise GOD!!!! In reference to your last comment....YOUR WORDS ARE INSPIRING AND I LOOK FORWARD TO READING YOUR BLOG. Hoping to see you at the SilverTips game in a couple of weeks :) Take care